Two IFers in the house!

Poor Doug. There are now two IFers in the household.  Daisy was spayed yesterday.  She is taking her new status very well.  She is just demanding lots of snuggle time, which I always love.

I may not be handling my IF status quite so well these days.  I'm thinking the extra snuggle time will do us both good. ;)

What a difference a year makes!

Last year, I practically lived in these black linen pants.  They were fairly comfortable, but could be a little tight at times.  Here I am with Sew wearing them.  They were probably sticking to my legs -- it was SO HOT that day!!

Here I am a year later! Yay!

 Ignore the bad hair day - I had just gotten home from the gym. :)

Don't believe Beth!

Don't believe Beth...

I touched the goat on Farm Day with my WHOLE HAND!!! It might have taken a while, but I did it!

See... a whole hand!  Hahahaha!

Me and Nicole - we matched!

It really was a great day!  I can't wait to go next year!  It was so fun hanging out with Megan, Beth and Nicole and all the kiddos.  I love blogger meet-ups... even if it is on a farm!

I slept

Last night, for the first time in a really long time... I slept.

I snuggled up in bed with my Star Wars sheets and my Spider Man blanket and my Star Wars/Spider Man lovin' husband and slept.

Peacefully.

No sleeping pills.

No bad dreams.

No anxiety.

No dwelling on all my fears.

No waking up at 2am.

I just slept.  And it was wonderful.

Thank you for all the prayers.  I'm pretty convinced they are working.

Fears

I'm afraid I'll never have a child.  This terrifies me to no end.
I'm afraid no one will call me mommy.
I'm afraid I'll never be able to see Doug be an awesome dad.
I'm afraid we will never get to use any of our names that we talk about all the time.
I'm afraid my parents will never get to hold my baby.
I'm afraid that I'll always have hope and every month I'll be disappointed and sad and scared.
I'm afraid that we will not be able to afford treatment and surgeries and adoptions.
I'm afraid I will get pregnant and lose blogging friends.
I'm afraid we would not pass a home study due to our ages and finances.
I'm afraid a birth mother would never choose us.
I'm afraid I will not be a good mother if we do get pregnant or chosen.
I'm afraid about my mom's health, my dad's health and Doug's health.
I'm afraid to get rid of the fat clothes.
I'm afraid I'll regain the weight.
I'm afraid I'll always feel jealous of others and never feel good enough.
I'm afraid my fears are getting the best of me.

Obviously, I have been so fearful lately.  The more I think, the more I fear.  This list could go on and on.  I haven't been sleeping well. I lay down and my mind does not shut off, despite being exhausted.  I lay there and think about everything in life and somehow expect to fall asleep.  It is not working.  I have been having odd dreams about my fears, making the little sleep I'm am getting very restless.  I wake up exhausted and it all starts over again.

I am trying to pray.  I am trying to trust.  I am trying to not worry about everything - about the worse case scenario.  I seem to not be able to get all the fears out of my mind.  No big panic attack moments, just a continued state of fearing the unknown and future.

I keep praying this prayer... several times a day.  It came from this blog and I love it.  There was a picture on the post and I put it on my iPhone as my wallpaper.  I thought it might remind me each and every time I turn my phone on (which is often) that Mary is there for me and I do not need to be anxious or worry.  I need to remember that God is in control and there is no reason for me to questions God's plan for me - even for even a brief minute.  If I am having an anxious moment, I try to glance at it. Thanks again My Heart Exults for posting it.  Side note: I emailed my mom the picture and prayer.  She printed it and took it with her to surgery.  She prayed it and it did calm her down.  It's that powerful.  I hope it can give me some peace.

Mother of Tranquility and Mother of Hope, look upon me in this time of my weakness and unrest. Teach my searching heart to know that God's love for me unchangeable; and that true human love can only begin and grow by touching His love. Let your gentle peace which this world cannot give be always with me. And help me to bring this same peace into the lives of others. Our Lady of Mental Peace, pray for me.

Mary on my iPhone.

I'm a proud Momma.

Somebody is a Puppy School Graduate! My little puppy is growing up! 

A Positive Spin on Quick Takes!

I'm still home sick in bed.  I tried to go to work yesterday and it did not go well at all.  After a whole 3 hours, I headed home.  I was a mess.  I made it to the doctor, who started me on my second round of antibiotics.  I have a sinus infection, double ear infection and bronchitis.  What the heck!?

I'm so not a good sick person.  I whine, I complain and I lay around and look absolutely pathetic.  Poor Doug.  He's a trooper.  I would not want to deal with me at all!

I thought I'd try to do some 'positive' quick takes, since this week has been such a bummer.  Maybe it will make this crapola of a week, not so bad!

1.  Like I mentioned in my last post, I wore a dress this weekend!  I know this does not seem like a big deal... but I NEVER wear dresses!  NEVER!  I use to when I was smaller and I loved them.  This weekend, I told Doug we were headed shopping for a skirt or dress. I thought he was going to fall over! He just kind of laughed and went along with it.  After all, the only time he has ever seen me in a dress was our wedding day!

It was 98 degrees this weekend and the thought of wearing long pants to mass made me crazy!  Luckily, I found two dresses at Tar.get!  I only bought one, but I'm tempted to go get the other one.  This is my first and only clothing purchase since starting to lose weight.  I think it will last a while and I'm even going to wear it again this weekend!  I was a bit out of my comfort zone, but I felt great in it!  I slowly see my old self, my old confident self, coming back and I like it!

2.  While I hate taking sick days... I have enjoyed spending lots of quality time this week with this cute pooch!  Can you believe she is already 18 weeks old?  She is so much fun and brings so much joy to our lives!  This certain puppy graduates from puppy kindergarten this weekend.  Yes, pictures will follow!

3.  This picture is for Marie!  Daisy and Smokey are getting along pretty good.  Daisy really wants to play... Smokey not so much.  Daisy can pretty much squish Smokey with her big paw.  It's a pretty funny sight to see.  I had really hoped the two would get along and snuggle a little -- at least for a photo! Well... they were in the same space and looking so cute the other day.  I think they are going to be great friends. 

4.  My mom is now home from rehab and is still doing great!  This is such an amazing blessing and such a relief!!  It was so hard to watch her be in pain and I am so glad that she is feeling more like her self again!  Thanks for all your prayers!

5.  My training at the gym is going great.  I have an amazing trainer.  He is awesome and has me do things I never thought I could do.  He is so motivating and really gets me to work hard.  He is leaving to go to graduate school in another state in August and I already miss him!  I know some days, if I did not have a set appointment to train with him, I'd skip the gym.  He gets me there and makes me do what I know I have to do!  I have really improved and it is awesome to see the results.  

6.  This is one of my favorite pictures ever.  It always makes me smile.  It's my dad and my youngest nephew Peter.  How cute are they?!  You can see my dad is totally in love with his grandson.  That little baby is now in first grade! :)

7.  Next week I get to meet this blogger!  Yay!  We are meeting at her family FARM!  Yep, I'm going to a farm.  Beth is going to take pictures because no one would believe that I'm going to a farm with animals on my own free will.  I might even hold a baby pig!!  Yippee!  I can't wait! 

I'm just sad.

I'm home sick today.  I hate taking sick days from work... for actually being sick.  I have a sinus infection and I suspect an ear infection too.  I felt so so all weekend, but yesterday was not good.  My head just started hurting all over.  Dang sinuses!  Luckily, I was able to take some pain medicine and get some much needed sleep last night.  I woke up and was debating going to work or not when I, or rather Doug, discovered that I have no voice at all.  This really could be his dream come true!  Ha ha!  So, since I can't talk or breathe or swallow, I'm staying home with the pup today.

So today, I'm just feeling sad.  I really shouldn't be.  I am so blessed and I had a great weekend filled with so much joy!  I was able to see Deacon Dominic give his first homily.  He did an outstanding job and he just radiates God's love!  I was able to snuggle my godson during mass, which I LOVED.  Note:  I did not feel or think I was sick then! Doug and I were able to play with Daisy at the dog park and out in our newly fenced in yard.  It was so fun watching her run and play with the other dogs!  Deacon Dominic came over for a visit yesterday and it's always fun to have some company and show off our puppy!  Overall, a great great weekend!  I even wore a dress -- something I NEVER do.  The only other time I've worn a dress since I've met Doug - our wedding!  Ha!  See, great weekend!!

So, why, after such a wonderful weekend am I feeling so blue?

I want to be a mommy.  That's why.  I know that is what it is.  There is a pain in my chest and it will not go away.  I cannot stop the tears from falling.  It happens every now and then and I just need to work through it.  I need to cry.  I need to feel sad and lonely and empty.  I need to acknowledge the hole in my heart.

Then, I need to pack it up and be strong again.  I need to fake smile when someone talks about their baby and their pregnancy.  I need to act surprised and thrilled at the next pregnancy announcement.  I need to act like I'm not dying inside.  Maybe all that acting will actually make me believe I am not sad.

But for today, I'm not going to be strong.  I don't have the energy.  I'm just going to be sad.

Quick Takes!

1.  My mom is still doing great!  She is leaving her rehabilitation facility Saturday morning!  Whoot!  She is headed home and will be tended to during the day by a home health nurse.  She will also have someone come help her with meals and housework and such.  She is moving around great and still exceeding all expectations!  I am so grateful!

2. One of my bestest friends is being ordained a Deacon this weekend!!!! Big whoot!  Dominic and I met at the Frassati Conference and have been close ever since.  I always thought he'd make an amazing priest and now he is only one year away!  We have had some pretty great times and we also share the privilege of being godparents to little Leo!

Well, here is a little bit of Dominic and I.
Side note... this was taken about one hour before I met Doug for the first time!

Dominic knows my hated of penguins...
so he bought me one for Christmas!  Nice!

3. We got a fence!  I LOVE IT!!  We are right by a pond and I wanted a fence for our imaginary children someday and having Daisy just moved up those fence plans a few years.  It looks amazing and the puppy is thrilled to have a place to run.

4. Could I use more exclamation points!!??  Seriously, I'm an exclamation point addict.

5. Doug is officially done with school for the year.  I love it when he is done teaching and can be at home for a few months.  He does some summer work in June and then I'll have him all to myself in July and some of August.  Last year, I really thought I would hate him being at home while I was at work all day, but much to my surprise, I LOVED IT!  It was awesome.  Laundry was done, dishes were washed, dinner was cooked.  We weren't rushing around to get things done in the evening and could actually relax and spend some time with each other.  I love summer!!

Chef Doug last summer!

6. Can you guess how many times this week I heard the question, "When are you and Doug PLANNING on having kids?"  About 10!  Can you believe it?  Even my trainer at the gym asked me!  I don't know what it was this week, but it was crazy.  When I heard the question, I really almost laughed.  The thought of us PLANNING is funny to me, since in my plan, we'd already be on our second by now. Ha!  Each time I heard the question, I simply smiled and answered, "We are ALWAYS open to life."

7.  I am fighting a sinus thing... so I'm taking some cold meds and heading to bed!  Have a great weekend ladies! 

Bookworm

Yep, I'm obsessed, I know.  :)