Bad News

Today started out great.  It was going to be a short day at work (love!), Daisy was getting groomed (she needed it!) and Doug and I were heading to see our FCP to go over our Creighton charting.  Go Tuesday, go!

Our FCP is really great.  She is SO knowledgeable and has been teaching for years.  She went thought infertility years and years ago, so she is very understanding of all that we are facing.  I am really glad we ended up with her.

The session was going along great.  "Do you wipe front to back?" Yes! "Use folder toilet paper?" Yes!  "Do you always do your observations?" Yes! "Any questions?"  Nope - Let's look at my dang chart!!!!

Then we looked at my chart... and my mood went downhill and fast.  For my first month charting this method, I did ok.  I didn't exactly get my peek day right.  I was confused on a few observations.  So we changed a few things around... added a few white baby stickers to the chart, etc., etc.

My seemingly good looking chart looked horrible.  Mucus pattern was ok.  But the overall chart - horrible.  So much for having some hope for this month.  SHE WASN'T EVEN SURE I OVULATED!!!!!!  Say what??!!!  That's the one thing I thought I actually might have done this cycle!!  Ovulate!

When she said that... I could NOT hold back the tears.  I started sobbing.  Literally sobbing over my little white and green baby stamps.

{And really... baby stamps!  Who thought baby stamps were a good idea for an infertile to use??!!}

I told her about my follies... and she said she cannot be sure, since it is my first month charting... but my mucus pattern *might* indicate there was not any ovulation.  Those great looking follies could have turned into LUFs.  Obviously, she cannot say for certain.  I *could* have ovulated just fine and just have a little too many days of mucus and lubrication... after dry days and such.  Maybe I didn't do the observations exactly right.  It's hard the first month to know exactly what you are seeing.  I even had the Creighton picture dictionary out this month and I still had some trouble. If I could have carried that thing into my work restroom, I would have!

But dang... I am crushed.  Crushed.  Big time.  She knew it.  She offered me a tissue.  She said that I needed to get the tears out... to cry away.  She understood and was fine with the crazy sobbing infertile in her office.

We see her again in two weeks.  She is going to email me a bunch of articles on PCOS and such.  She gave me tons of infertility handouts.  I've read them all before, but I took them to re-read.  She told me when I should make an appointment with a local Napro doctor.  We need some more charting, so not yet, but it's coming.

We left the appointment and got in the elevator.  My eyes were red and I had mascara all over my face.  Doug looked at me and smiled and said, "Well, won't she be surprised with your BFP that is coming this weekend!"  I love my optimistic husband.  I started crying all over again.

So, now I just want this cycle over with so we can start a new one.  Have I totally lost hope?  No.  But for now, I'm just crushed.  I feel tired.  I feel defeated.  I'm not going to even try to act otherwise.  No sugar coating here.  It is what is it.

My Constant Battle

Welcome to my head.  I think it currently belongs in a little padded room, because I am going crazy.

So much for my calm post I wrote at the beginning of my 2WW.  All that is out the window.  Well, not all of it... I'm trying, really, I am.  But man, this is a killer!

I have a constant battle going on in my head.

In Corner #1: HOPEFUL ME - full of happy baby thoughts!
In Corner #2: PESSIMISTIC ME - full of "This will never happen!" thoughts!

Battle rules:  There are none.  It's just a constant back and forth.  There are about 60 rounds per hour... and the event takes place 24 hours a day.  It's like a boxing match.

Here is some of the action from earlier today!

HOPEFUL ME:
This weekend I was exhausted.  I feel asleep twice on the couch, which I never do.  I was in a dead sleep.  So sleepy, that when Daisy tossed a dog toy on me to get me to wake up and play, I didn't even flinch.  Hmmm... could I be so tired because I'm growing a human?

PESSIMISTIC ME:
I wouldn't be so sleepy if my adorable dog slept in later than 4:30am on a Saturday.  If I could have just slept a little longer, I wouldn't be tired at all!  No human growing going on here!

HOPEFUL ME:
My temperature went up this morning!  It never is that high.  That must mean something. {Yes, I still take my temperature, even thought I'm charting Creighton.  I cannot stop! I know... bad, bad me.  Sorry!}


PESSIMISTIC ME:
It must be the flannel sheets.

HOPEFUL ME:
God has heard my cries.  He will answer all of my prayers.

PESSIMISTIC ME:
He is pretty busy these days.  You know... there is world hunger, civil wars and that dang man named O.bam.a!

HOPEFUL ME:
What is up with my on-again, off-again cramps/right pelvic discomfort.  Could a baby be implanting??

PESSIMISTIC ME:
It's just normal cramps.  AF will arrive any day now. The endo is already back and my right ovary is acting up again!  Great!  Just great!

HOPEFUL ME:
That food makes me want to puke.  I cannot even stand to look at it. Morning sickness already?

PESSIMISTIC ME:
It's just my cooking. {Sadly, this is probably be the case, even for those not TTC.  Ha!}

HOPEFUL ME:
My chart doesn't look too bad.  Lots of good timing or 'cooking' as some might call it, with some ok mucus.  I'm so glad I got to put 'Sew's baby making apron' to good use!

PESSIMISTIC ME:
My mucus was not that great at all this month.  Poor little swimmers didn't stand a chance.

HOPEFUL ME:
My stomach feels funny.  Must be all those cells dividing!

PESSIMISTIC ME:
Man, I must have gas.

HOPEFUL ME:
Three follies!!!!!  All big and ready to go!  Plus HCG!!!  Way to finally ovulate!!!!!

PESSIMISTIC ME:
Back to the mucus... egg might be ready... but no sperm could get there!  And what if those follies were too big and were duds??!!  This is typically followed by a mad session of dr. google.


Welcome to my world.  I know we've all been there.  Thank goodness it is only a 2WW and not a 3WW or I think I'd have to be admitted to the loony bin!  It's a constant battle in my head... ALL FREAKING DAY LONG!

I really do hope HOPEFUL ME wins this round.  However, it is so hard.  I've never had a cycle turn out the way I want.  I've never 'been late'.  I've never had implantation spotting.  I've never not had pre-menstrual cramps that were really something other than just that, pre-menstrual cramps.  So, as hopeful as I want to be, it is hard when I don't have anything to go on except what I know -- and what I know is no baby.

However... the tricky and frustrating thing with hope is... it lingers, it is a real fighter.  It stays around, even when it looks like it should get the heck out of dodge!

When PESSIMISTIC ME is winning... HOPEFUL ME comes back for a few more punches.  Hope will be there... even if it is just a tiny tiny tiny bit.  It is the winner for a while... then retreats... then comes back... then retreats... then comes back... you get the idea.

So, the battle continues.  Who will win is any ones guess. I'm not sure who will win this battle!  But it will be decided in approximately 6 days or less with a BFP or CD1.

Where is that padded room!!??

During the 2WW

During this two week wait...

I will not obsess over my chart.

I will not use doctor google - nothing good comes of it.

I will not over analyze every single twinge I feel with my body.

I will be realistic.

I will prepare for yet another CD1.

I will have hope.

I will dream of snuggling a baby in October.

I will pray.

I will be OK.

Hope times 3!

I had an ultrasound today to check on my follicles.  

I was sooooo nervous before the appointment.  

I was afraid that even with ovulation meds, there would be no mature follies!  

But......   There were 3!!!!!!  Three beautiful big mature follicles!!!!!!  Whooot!  

Two follicles on the left... and one on the right!!  Can I get another Whooot!??  Yep!!  Whooot!

My uterine lining looked great too!

While I know that mature follicles are no guarantee for anything, it was nice to leave an appointment smiling. Heck, I almost floated out of the office.  It's amazing what a little good news can do.

My ultrasounds are usually a little boring.  This ultrasound was a little different, so I asked for a picture.  I mean, I've had zillions of ultrasounds and no pictures, since there was nothing to even see.  

So... without further ado... my follies from my left ovary!  Whoot!

So now I've got a little hope... well, three follies full of hope to be exact!!! I'd say that is a pretty good way to start the weekend. 

So true

I heart this. I have read it many, many times and every time it gets to me. It seems so very very true.

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

~Laura Bush

I'm glad we did it...

While I wanted to use this photo session for maternity pictures... I'm glad we had these taken.  I love them.  Most of you have probably seen these on face.book, but here they are again!  If we aren't friends on FB... message me, so we can be.  :)

CD 1

Well, that sucks.

I will do that when...

It seems as if I have been waiting my whole life.

Always waiting for the next thing or stage in my life to come along.


I use to say...

"I'll do XY and Z when... I lose weight."

"I'll buy nice furniture when...I buy a house."

"I'll buy a house when... I get married."

And so on and so on.


I now find myself saying...

"We will do that ... after the baby."

"We will buy that... after the baby."

"We will save that... for the baby."

And so on and so on.


During previous periods of waiting in my life, it was really hard to just not put my life on hold. Especially when I was waiting for Doug. At that time, I did put certain 'big' things on hold. I could have bought furniture and a house, but didn't. I wanted to do those things with my husband. I felt that if I did any of those things... I was accepting defeat. That my dream of buying a house with my future husband would never happen.

While I might have put big things on hold while waiting for Doug, I did the exact opposite with everything small. There was no sitting around and waiting for him. I filled my life with so much. Almost too much! I visited friends. I joined clubs. I volunteered at church. My scheduled was so booked I almost didn't have time to meet Doug. I literally finished running a conference and rushed across town to meet Doug. I hardly could fit him into my schedule that day.

While I was so busy, my heart was always yearning for my husband. I prayed for him. I 'missed' him. I wanted him in my life. Being busy did not take that sadness away. It did not make my desire for a husband any less real. I had down moments -- lots of them. The busy did not 'fill the void' I felt... but it made the journey a little easier along the way.

Lately, it seems as if history is repeating itself.

This time, I'm just waiting with someone. We both pray for our baby. We want our child in our life. The waiting feels the same as before, but totally different at the same time.

I still find myself wanting to put certain aspects of our lives on hold for now. Nothing huge like a house or anything... but small stuff. We had a photo session left over from our wedding package. I had been saving it for maternity photos. But after two years of not using it, it seemed like we better use it before we lost the opportunity. So we had beautiful fall pictures taken (see blog header... and I'll post some in a separate post later!). I was happy we did it... but at the same time, it was hard that the session was not being used for what I had intended it all along. But I have grown a little bit with all this waiting... and I knew that some things aren't really a defeat, but just a variation of what I had in mind. I cannot put life on hold... that only makes it worse!

Other times, I want to fill my/our lives with so much that the waiting won't seem so long and empty. It worked last time, right? Not really. I know that no amount of busy will take the longing in my heart away. Nope, won't happen. While I cannot put my entire life on hold, filling it to the brim won't be any better. There has to be a happy medium.

And this time... I simply do not want to be insanely busy. I don't want to fill my life with volunteering and clubs. I go from wanting to learn to wait calmly (brief, brief moments) to the complete opposite extreme of just wanting to get to the next step already and skip the waiting all together! Heck, I wanted to be at the next step two years ago. Being patient has never been one of my strong points.

I need to constantly remind myself that the last time I was in "the big husband wait"... it was all worth it. It didn't seem like it at the time, but the waiting was needed. I know that now. If I would have rushed things or done anything differently, I would not have been in the exact right place to meet the love of my life. God had that planned all along. His plan was for me to meet Doug. His plan was much better than anything I had imagined. I just wanted his plan to show up YEARS before it did. Would I trade the journey for anything in the world?? Nope. I'm glad it happened just as it did.

I have to believe (even though it's hard some days) that it will be the same way for the baby. God has it all planned out, much better than I can imagine, I'm sure. He knows the exact moment that Doug and I will have a baby. He knows what struggles we will have to endure and what he have endured to meet our little one. He knows our deepest desires to become parents.

So today and in the upcoming months, I pray that someday Doug and I can look back at all of this and say that it was all worth it. That while it didn't seem like it at the time, the waiting was needed. That if we would have rushed things or done anything differently, we would not be at the exact place to meet the love of our lives - our child. That we wouldn't have it any other way. That we wouldn't trade the journey for anything in the world. That we are glad it happened just as it did.

After all, last time there was a pretty awesome outcome for all that waiting. I pray that there is another awesome outcome for "the great baby wait" as well. :)

Year in Review Meme!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you had never done before?

I touched a goat and have the picture to prove it!

2. Did you keep your New Year's Resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I didn't make a single resolution for 2011.  For 2012, I want to pray more and keep the kitchen clean.  I'm on Day 4 and not doing to great with the latter.  

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yep, I think the entire world gave birth.  I cannot even count the number of little babies that came into the world in 2011!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

A sweet little baby I knew passed away -- one of the biggest heartaches of my life.

5. What places did you visit?

Ummm... I stayed close to home this year.  DH and I didn't go on any little trips this year.  But then again... I did go to a farm and that is big for me!

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

Baby Hauser

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched in your memory and why?

November 9, 2011.  That was the date of my endo/tube surgery!! It is the date that gave me hope that DH and I will be able to conceive Baby Hauser.

8. What was your biggest achievement this year?

I lost 100 pounds!  Whoot!  Whoot!  I also got a big promotion at work!  Super Whoot!

9.  Did you suffer illness or injury?

I made it through 2011 without a single broken bone.  That's good for me.  But my year was filled with endo pain.  I'm pretty sure I had a few colds every now and then as well. 

10. What was the best thing you bought?

Don't judge... but other than my new MacBrook Pro... Daisy!  Yep, we paid for a pure-bred lovable golden retriever!  I never thought I'd get a dog from a wonderful breeder, but we did and we could not be happier.  LOVE HER!

11. Where did most of your money go?

We spent a zillion dollars on medical treatment this year, including three eye surgeries for Doug, my surgery and countless meds, office visits, etc.  Seriously, we met our deductible in April or something crazy like that.  Insane!

We also spent a bit of money on #10 above.  Pups are pricey and it never stops, especially when they are spoiled to the max! 

12. What song will always remind you of 2011?

I pretty much had a little party in my car every time I heard Party Rock Anthem by LMFAO.  It made me do a little dance and sing silly crazy loud. "Party people in the house tonight... every day I'm shuffling!"

13.  What do you wish you would have done more of?

Sleep.  

Refer to #10.  Puppies are like newborns and get up a bunch of times in the middle of the night.  I don't think DH and I have slept-in since Daisy arrived at our home.  

14.  What do you wish you would have done less of?

Spend money on #10.  Dang spoiled pup.

15. What was your favorite TV program?

DH and I developed a crazy obsession for watching Hol.mes on Hol.mes.  I'm pretty petrified of having any one do any thing to my house - EVER - after watching that show.   We heart Mike Hol.mes. 

16. What was the best book you read this year?

Housetraining for Dummies.  Yep, Daisy only had two accidents in the house! Whoot!  

17. What was your favorite film of the year?

Gosh... I don't know if we went to the movies in 2011.  Surely we did. Oh, wait... Harry Potter.  We saw that.  Real memorable.  He he.    

18. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

On my 34th birthday, I got my pre-surgery labs.  Not the highlight of my day.

I got to hang out with my wonderful DH and puppy.  I snuggled up with my new electric throw DH bought me.  It is sooo warm and comfy!

I also got to see two of my bestest college friends, who I had not seen in over two years.  They were both in town and it was awesome to see them! 

Pretty much a great birthday!

From my godson.  Nice, real, nice Leo.

19. What national/world event stirred you the most?

Don't judge - But I LOVED the Royal Wedding.  I got up at the crack of dawn and watched the whole dang thing.  It's not that I loved the actual wedding (her dress was pretty amazing!!), but I LOVED how the whole world was watching the same event.  LOVED IT!  I thought it brought some much needed happiness to the evening news.  

That same weekend... Pope John Paul the Great was canonized.  That event did not get the same news coverage, but was pretty amazing just the same.

20. What was the best new person you met? 

I feel like I've met a ton of new people this year!  I had a ton of blogger meet-ups and *met* a ton of people online.  It's crazy how complete strangers can feel like the very very best of friends... but it is true!!!

l

*** UPDATE*** Big Brother was the bomb diggity this year!!! Best season ever! I shared the entire season was some of the best bloggers around!! We were obsessed and loved it!! I don't know why I didn't think of that earlier!!!!

You Would Think...

You would think that after two plus years of TTC that I would be better at waiting.

I'm not.  I'm horrible at it.

I'm on CD 21 and I just want it to be next week already.

Then I will know if we will have a cycle #3 (really #28) with meds or a BFP.

In the meantime... I will just pray (and check my chart obsessively).

Prayer for Patience
Lord, teach me to be patient - with life, with people and with myself.  I sometimes try to hurry things along too much and I push for answers before the time is right.  Teach me to trust Your sense of timing rather than my own and surrender my will to Your grater and wiser plan.  

Instead, let me wait for all to unfold in its own time.  Each moment and state of growth contains a loveliness. Teach me to slow down enough to appreciate life and all it holds.  Amen.

Party like Rock Stars

Yep, that's what we did. We partied like Rock Stars. Bring on 2012.