Big Fat Ugly Tears

I left work early today.  I just could not stay there any longer.  I was having a day that consisted of:

Work.  Work.  Work.  Big Fat Ugly Tears.  More Tears.  Work.  Work.  Re-applying make-up.  More Tears.  Mascara smeared all over my face.  More Tears.  Finally deciding to call it a day.  Drive.  Drive.  More Tears.

They pretty much have not stopped.

I knew the mini-breakdown was on its way.  It has been brewing for awhile.  Last weekend Doug and I attended a 5 hour baby shower.  I did not want to go.  I was cramping, had horrible endo pain and I was not in a baby shower mood.  I had a little hissy fit pre-shower and I did not want to get out of the dang car.  Eventually,  Doug pulled me out of the car and the shower was fine.  Hanging out with my friends was great.  Baby talk dominated the conversation, so I smiled during all the baby and breast feeding talk.  I smiled while they all talked about their birth and pregnancy stories.  I oohed and ahhhed while all the gifts were opened (they were pretty dang cute).  Thank goodness it was a couples shower and Doug was there.  I do not think I would have made it through the night without him (and without texting Sew!).

After the party, I was just numb.  I was happy for the couple, yet crumbling inside.  But like always, I bounced back and kept going.

Then today, there was a big pregnancy announcement.  I knew it was coming.  I actually thought it would have come a few months ago.  She is the sweetest person ever and she and her DH and their toddler deserve all the happiness in the world.  Yet, I was devastated.  I started crying at my desk at work and could not stop.

Luckily, I have a IRL IF friend at work.  We are the only two who officially 'know' about each others non-functioning reproductive system at the workplace.  And at that workplace, we need each other.  I swear there is a baby boom at that office and we are both in the middle of it.  It is all our friends doing the booming.  She saw me in the bathroom cleaning my smeared mascara and she instantly knew why I was crying.  She patted my back and eased the pain.

I hate how good news makes me break down.  I feel horrible about it.  It is such a hard feeling to digest - feeling genuinely happy for someone, yet heartbroken at the same time.  Ugh.  Ugh.  Ugh.  How do I reconcile that?  I honestly do not know.

So for now, my goal will be to wake up tomorrow, go to work and not cry at my desk.  Hopefully I will be bounce back quickly.  But for right now, I think the night will consist of some big fat ugly tears, some snuggling with my puppy, some praying, some more tears, more snuggling with my pup... and some Big Brother TV watching.  I'm thinking that will make these Big Fat Ugly Tears go away, at least for today.