It was a mixed month. There were some really great times (I'll post about the good stuff later in the week) and there were some well... really horrible times. Nothing life threatening. I'm fine. The baby is doing great. Doug is good. Doug's parents are good. My parents are still hanging in there - mom's using a walker now due to a broken foot and my dad is sporting not one, but two canes. But all in all - everyone is OK.
But it was still one of the hardest months we've had as a married couple. We are getting along great... it's not that. It was just one of those months that we wanted to put behind us and never see again. I thought we had done that.
Until yesterday. Welcome September.
I got a call from Doug who was at work about an hour away from our house. I asked him what he was doing and he said, "Standing next to my dead car."
I held it together while he told me his plan. Luckily, his parents live in the town where he works and help was on the way. I hung up the phone, took a deep breath and then just started crying... and screaming... and yelling... and crying. I didn't stop for a long time.
It should not have been such a big deal. It was a car. It would be fixed and he would drive it again. No problem. But it all just added up to everything that happened in August and it was overwhelming to me.
To put it mildly, August sucked.
We started the month with high hopes.
We were having a few *minor* home repairs done. I considered it part of the 'nesting' process. We wanted it all done before Doug headed back to school in the fall. We needed to get the trim on our house painted. We got paint on sale and found some great guys to scale to the very top of our house to do the job! Yippee!
They were also going to fix up a little rotted wood on the front of the garage.
They did paint. It looks great. But they couldn't fix the garage. Why???
Well... that little spot of rotted wood that had just appeared, was actually an entire frame of our garage that was rotted. ROTTED to the freakin' core!
What was going to be a few hundred dollar repair, ended up costing several upon several thousands and thousands of dollars and then some. The damage was probably there for years and had finally made it's way to the surface. There was no way we could have known it was there. We had to bring in a structural engineer. The garage had to be re-framed. Siding taking down. Garage door down. New frame.
It still makes me sick. It all had to be paid in cash. We were lucky we had it.
However, letting that money go has come at a really high cost.
You see, it was my maternity leave money. It was all the money we had saved so I could be off work for several months and be home with the baby.
NONE of my maternity leave is paid. UGH! And now all the money we had saved, that we needed for me to stay home, is gone - spent on the very much needed, but ugh repair of the freakin' garage.
That dang garage.
At the very same time of the garage repair, we had an electrician at our house for repairs. We had carpet people. And my car was getting lots of work done and it was in the shop.
Dang August.
Now I stew everyday in a big ball of stress.
I found out this week that I have to pay all my insurance premiums while I'm off on my unpaid maternity leave. I was thinking it would be a few hundred dollars. Silly me. Think again - it will be several thousand of dollars. Which we don't have because of that dang garage. That on top of not getting paid for several months, makes me feel like I can't breathe.
I'm trying not to stress. Not to think about all the stuff we still need for the baby. I've been searching for items at thrift stores, finding great deals at garage sales and selling a ton of stuff too.
I'm really trying to sort out wants from real needs for the baby and our lives in general. But it's hard.
I want so much to buy great baby gifts for all my friends. I had some all ready to purchase and I couldn't do it. I'm in a bible study that is costing money for the next several months. I never thought that doing a bible study would be stressful, but hitting the 'purchase' button and signing up was hard to do. My phone is on a quick spiral downhill and I was hoping for a new camera to take pictures of our little miracle. And heck... this girl wants a baby jogger city mini stroller!
But those are my wants. They are not needs right now. In the end, I know that it will all be fine. Everyone goes through this, we are not unique. Things could be much much much worse. That is not lost on me. I know that despite that dang garage and August, we are still very very blessed.
But right now, it's just scary. I know we will make it, just haven't figured out the plan. I like a plan. So today, it's overwhelming and I needed to vent. I'm trying to just trust that God will provide... and I know He will. But it still feels overwhelming. I don't know how to relinquish it all over to Him. I know I need to.
I/we need some prayers. So if you could spare some, they would be greatly appreciated.
I came across this on FB the other day... it's true. Easier said than done... but I'm working on it. Thanks for the prayers ladies.
24 comments:
I am so sorry J! That sounds really stressful but I love the quote you mentioned. For whatever reason, these things always seem to work themselves out. You'll be in my prayers!
Ugh! Sorry August was so stressful! Praying it all gets better soon.
I am so sorry! I've been there. I know it's aweful but things will work out. They just will. God can do amazing things and He always provides. ALWAYS!!! Praying for you!
Stupid money. I hate it so much. It will be fine though! Btw I owe u $10 ;)
I am so sorry. It sucks to stress about money at such a happy time. Praying for your family.
As another person posted, God will provide and only He knows how. I know how hard it can be to give it up to him and not worry (you know I'm a worrier too and struggle with it), but He will see you through. You will be in my prayers. Let me know if you need anything, including baby items!! If I can help, I will. I am your BFF, remember??? ;-)
I know everyone always says "God will provide", which sounds great to hear in times like this. But, you know what...He will always provide the graces needed to get through tough times, but He does not always provide money to help pay the bills.
We are living proof of that. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we lost $140,000 on our house over 6 years ago. We may never recover from that. We may always be in debt. We added 2 adoption loans in the part 2 years. We lost my full time income as a nanny and now have a much smaller income from me as I babysit in our home so I can stay home with our kids. God has not provided extra money from family or friends. He has not gifted us money from some anonymous donor. We can barely make the monthly payments on all our loans. But, ya know what, He has given us 2 miracle children! He has given us the grace to live day by day and the grace to learn to give up more and more material things. Just when we think we can't cut another thing out, we have to figure out a way to do so, and some how, we survive.
The thing is...we just let go of control of our financial security. We were both bought up to be savers, never spending beyond our means and such like that. This whole experience (much out of our control) took a huge slash at our pride. We had to just give up on getting ahead. We just had to learn to live with being in debt.
I guess my point is, God will provide the grace needed to grow closer to Him during this time...not matter if the money comes or not.
Oh my heart breaks for you! This is so, so hard. I had to go back to work at 4 weeks because we couldn't afford for me to take off. It was horrible at the time-but there were silver linings hidden everywhere in it.
And as far as baby stuff goes-don't buy anything! just the absolute basics. No blankets, no clothes. You will be amazed at the gifts that will come pouring in. We have blankets coming out our ears and we didn't buy a single one. It's very hard to let go of having the cutest and nicest baby stuff. Very, very hard (at least for me) but I always think of it as a special gift from God that He's protecting me from being materialistic. Because I totally would be if we could afford it.
I'll be praying for you guys!
Gosh, Beth, pay up! :) j/k. Seriously though, awful! I am so sorry you are going through all of this. It WILL be okay, though, I promise. They will place that baby boy in your arms and suddenly nothing else will matter. The rest will work itself out.
I remember feeling this way when insurance wouldn't pay for my NaPro surgeries. It's a sickening feeling. We ended up having to ask DH's parents for money, and that was a kick in the gut. As it happens, we're still paying off the surgery, and we still owe them money. It's not perfect, but you get through.
Thrift stores and sales are good! You never know if the baby will like that stuff anyway. We spent $100 on a bassinette and she barely tolerated it and now she's too big for it. The stuff she has liked the best is what we got for free from DH's sister! Lesson learned. :) All the baby really needs at first is your boob, diapers, clothes and a place to sleep. :)
I am so sorry that August was so stressful for you (I hate all the impromptu bills, esp the garage!!) You poor thing! I would have cried and thrown a thing or two.
I'll be praying for you ... praying the bills stop ... praying that some unexpected money rolls in ... praying that you are provided more. HE will provide - you've got that right 100%!
Also - to agree with Kaitlyn, don't buy ANY baby clothes, but just a few basic onsies. We bought some clothes and Luke never wore them. We got alot of hand-me-downs and that helps ALOT and if the Grandmas have any say, they will be giving you gifts too. We got ALOT of blankets. That is a favorite gift. Do not buy any blankets either except 2-3.
We'll be praying. God will provide in one way or another. I agree you don't need new things for the little one + so many people will give you things once the baby is born. Are you having a shower? Make sure you register for the "necessities" not the wants.
Oh Jenny, I am so sorry these past few weeks have been so stressful. You will be in my prayers. I agree with Hebrews...it will all work out when you have that precious boy in your arms. And not necessarily that you will have a plethora of extra cash but the overwhelming emotion of being a mother will be so healing. Our adoption expenses were daunting but I couldn't imagine doing it any differently.
So sorry about all this extra stress! Sending love and prayers your way.
Oh yuck I know the feeling of financial stress. I will definitely be praying for you!
Oh Jenny, I remember that piece of wood - it didn't look so bad. I can't imagine the shock of finding out it was going to be that serious.
I echo everything that people said above about stuff for the baby. Oh and don't get me started on blankets - seriously, that must be the most popular gift to give a new mom at showers, etc!
Prayers that you are surrounded by peace and extra grace to get through this stress!
Jenny darlin' Im so sorry to hear this. Financial worries are the pits. my DH lost his job 4 days after our wedding. It's a wonder I kept my sanity. Prayers for sure.
It's so hard not to want to go nuts on all the baby stuff. The stroller I like is $500 :/ Insanity! Consignment shops are great though, I found a changing table for a few bucks and am borrowing other stuff, like a swing from friends. I think ppl are happy to share, esp. if they know there's a need. As Hebrews said, boobs, diapers, sleep and a few clothes will get you through. Hoping your September is better.
I feel ya girl! I think being pregnant makes you feel more overwhelmed. We had a similar situation while I was preggo. E started a new job that paid horribly while he was in training that lasted 6 months. 2 of those months were at the end of my pregnancy and he was living in another state for the schooling required. We lost a month of pay and I had 2 flat tires on the same day! A bunch of little things happened that added up to a lot of $. All we had for our baby was a crib that my mom had bought us. We couldn't even afford to paint her room!
But as Julie said, god will give you the grace to endure anything. I have found that prayer of asking for grace has helped so much. Yes God does provide, but not always how we want. He provides us with what is best. This will pass. Lots of prayers heading your way.
Um, I think I would have had not one but 20 temper tantrums in a month like that. I am so, so sorry. Financial stress is it's own special kind of stress. We're also feeling the pinch since I too have unpaid maternity leave. And I lost some significant income when a huge (I mean huge) percentage of my clients kept canceling follow-ups. I'd have a week totally booked only to have not worked a day at the end of the week. What it is it about impending due dates and financial crud??? I will definitely keep you in prayer, especially the maternity leave issue... babies have a way of coming with their own financial blessings - you never know.
Oh, man, what an August! Ugh. I would have been a basket case. And like so many others have said - don't feel like you have to buy much for the baby. You'll get so many things from people - clothes and blankets are definitely high on the list. C is never going to need to buy a blanket for himself actually. Ever! :) You will receive grace to deal with this though... great verse. Hugs, sweet friend!
Oh, sweetie. So, so sorry to hear about that dang garage! I would be just as frustrated as you are. You seem like me...so organized, responsible, and on top of things as far as saving money and making sure you will be ok financially when the baby arrives. I can only imagine how painful it was to have to fork over all that money for a stinking garage. Ugh!
Have you had any baby showers yet? You will most likely get a ton of things off your needs list. And then what about setting up a wish list on your blog? If you don't mind things that were used once, or even just washed and never used, I'd be happy to look through your list and see what I could send you. Need any baby bath towels? We have 9. I could definitely send you a few that have never been used. I'm sure there are other mamas that would be willing to do the same.
And yes...don't buy any clothes are blankets. We have blankets coming out of our ears, and I even tried to return the ones that I could for store credit to buy other baby items.
I'm so sorry for the stress, Jenny!
But, I've been out of the loop for awhile and want to wish you a belated congratulations on you pregnancy! How exciting!
Also, I just love that picture and verse! Would you mind terribly if I borrowed it for my blog? I would, of course, credit it back to yours.
-C
Oof. We are no strangers to financial stress. I'm SO sorry you're in the midst of this. But, I can say our years of suffering brought immeasurable blessings. One being the more you can detach yourself from worldly goods, the closer you will grow in knowing what is truly important. The second being that you will find yourself truly grateful for being able to pay for your needs, forget the wants! It's easier said when not in the midst of it, I know. Praying this cross passes quickly from you. Xoxo
Financial stress is so frustrating. I definitely agree on the baby stuff. The only things you absolutely need are your car seat and some diapers (cloth or disposable), an outfit or two (which people will probably give as a gift or you can borrow from a friend) and somewhere for the baby to sleep. Wait to see what you get as gifts, borrow what you can (at least to see if the little one and you like it before you buy) and then get as much at consignment and thrift stores as you can.
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