It could have been...

It could have been perfect.

If we would have conceived this cycle, I would have been due at the end of May… which is the end of the school year for my husband.

He would have been home during that exhausting newborn stage.

We would have had the entire summer to adjust to being a new family of 4.

We could have taken newborn pictures outside.

We could have taken George and the baby to the 4th of July parade together… in that double stroller.

Maternity leave would have ended right when school was starting.  It would have been a hectic transition, but it would work out great.

Perfect timing.

But I got a BFN last week.

I have had lot of BFN's in my day.  This one hit me hard.  I had some pretty high hopes this cycle.  I should have known better after all my years of IF.

Ironically, the one cycle I wasn't hopeful about was the cycle we conceived George.

Maybe this month I will protect my heart a little better.

Up and onward we go.

Double Stroller

We bought a double stroller.

I'm not pregnant.  Not that I know of anyway, as I am currently in the 2WW.

The stroller came up on an online garage sale.  It was the one we wanted when/if we are able to have another baby.  The deal was amazing, so we jumped on it.

Then I felt like I wanted to puke.  Who knew a great deal on a double stroller (which can also be a single or a triple) would cause so much anxiety.   I couldn't sleep… I stayed up watching getting caught up on big brother while watching videos online about double strollers.

Crazy thoughts just kept running through my head: Would it jinx us?  Will it just be a constant reminder of the second baby that wasn't here?  And on and on…

I about lost it.

Doug on the other hand, was so positive, as he is about everything.  He felt is was a good sign, not a jinx at all.  He felt even better about it when we went to pick it up.  The lady we were buying it from had over 5 years of infertility and is now, to her surprise, pregnant with #2.

Sidenote:  I kept thinking… "why is she selling this!?  It's brand new!" She loooooved this stroller… and was so sad to see it go.  She wanted a true jogging stroller.  Win for us!

Realistically, I know that a stroller can't prevent me from ovulating.  It isn't going to jinx us.  But man it had me going.

Dang IF.  Dang Secondary IF.

We have been hoping and "trying" for #2 for months.  Realistically, we haven't ever prevented or even avoided post-George.  Still No baby.  I was in some serious denial about my fertility.  I thought we'd just have a little surprise or a little kinda planned surprise.

Notta.

So last month, shit got real again.  I went back to my doctor.  I knew we would probably need some help in the fertility area.  He agreed.  If nothing happens this cycle… then meds, shots, ultrasound series, the works.

We opted to try one more month without meds and such.  Why?  Oh just a ton of IF nonsense really.  I want my body to just work.  I want it to do something it is suppose to do -- ovulate for heaven sakes!  I just thought if we had the script for all the upcoming treatment…we wouldn't need to use it.  See - nonsense!

Honesty, I'm still hoping.  I'm hoping the meds I have 'on hold' and 'pending' with the express fertility pharmacy will never need to be ordered.

I'm hanging on to hope, even after a BFN this morning.  It was way too early to test, but I can't help it.  I'm a crazy tester.

But that BFP… which I fully expected… led to a very tearful morning mass.  I don't even know what the songs were… but dang they made me cry.  There were big families all around us.  Tiny babies all over.  The BFN was looming in my mind.  I could not keep it together.

That was, until George started throwing his play bible and rosary all over the place.  Reality check.  I snapped out of it.  I offered a pray or Thanksgiving that for right now, I get to use a stroller.  It might not be a double, but I'm still so blessed to even have a stroller (from you wonderful blog sisters) in my trunk.

Granted, it doesn't take away all the nasty and weird emotions infertility or secondary infertility brings…. but it at least dulled it a bit for today.

And hey… if there isn't a baby for the stroller… it so fancy that maybe Daisy can just ride in it!

Again… I'm losing it.  haha.

30 days of eating

Wow… I'm a blogging slacker.  Big time.  I just can't find enough hours in the day.  But I'm up late… can't sleep… catching up on Big Brother and blogging.

Doug and I decided to do go big or go home this month when it came to nutrition.  I have been in a freaking frustrating standstill with my weight for months.  Despite working out, eating well, having my adrenals and thyroid working much much better… the weight would go down… then up… then down.  Welcome to the story of my life.

I am in a support group for low milk producers on FB.  Loved those girls in my milk dud days.  Many of them have PCOS and IR.  They are also all doing the Whole. 30.  So I looked into it and decided in a matter of minutes that our household would be doing it.

What is it?  A 30 day elimination diet.  No sugar, grains, dairy and legumes.

Well, since my great doc found out I'm crazy sensitive to gluten, wheat, eggs and dairy… this was right up my ally.  The hard part?  All WHOLE foods.  Pretty much nothing processed.  At all.  No artificial flavorings or anything. Dude.  That artificial flavoring is in everything.  EVERYTHING!

But I signed us up!  Jumped right in!

IT HAS BEEN AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Doug has lost a ton of weight.  You really aren't suppose to weigh during the 30 days.  He hasn't, but you can just see it with him.  He's in different size pants… he had to get a smaller belt.  He has more energy.  His aches and pains are gone.  He always has swelling in his left leg.  He broke it three times when he was a kid.  That combined with diabetes = swelling.  It has been reduced by a ton!  It's amazing.  He is totally pumped about this whole eating.

For me?  I've lost weight.  I cheated and have weighed myself b/c I had a few doctor appointments.  My pants can come off without me unzipping them.  Whoot!  Energy wise - I've been great!

The hard part?  All. The. Freakin'. Cooking.

I'm cooking all the time.  And I don't cook.  Not like that.  Not for every meal.

Also… so much protein.  Which obviously should be with every meal in general.  But I'm not a huge meat and chicken fan.  I can't really have eggs.  So I've had more meat and chicken this month than ever before in my life.  Doug is loving that.  I am loving all the vegetables.  And new recipes.  We have made so much good stuff.  YUMMMMM.

We are almost done and I don't know if we will go back.  Partially, yes.  I need some gluten free chex and a chai tea latte in my life at times.  I need a little flexibility.

More importantly, Doug and I need to be healthy.  I'm still overweight.  We are trying for baby #2.  I want to be healthy.  Heck… I just want to be healthy enough to ovulate!  So that's my motivation!  So far, so good!

 Two of our yummy meals we've been chowing down on this month!

A great loss

Two weeks ago my dear father in law was diagnosed with glioblastoma, which is aggressive brain cancer.

He passed away this morning.

My husband has lost his father.  My son has lost his grandfather.

Our hearts are broken with this loss.

May God bless his soul.

George resting on Grandpa last weekend.  I love how his hand is on George.  

New doctor, new hope

Back in November I started to feel exhausted.  Like overly exhausted.  Like could not stay awake one more minute exhausted - ALL DAY LONG.  It was horrible.  It was something I had never experienced.  There was no good reason for it.  I was getting sleep.  George was sleeping.  No reason that I should be so freaking tired.

I would wake up in the morning and instantly think, "I cannot wait to go to bed tonight."  Not the best thought to have at 5:30am each morning.  I was pretty much sleep walking through the day.  

My gut told me it was my thyroid and adrenals.  Despite my primary care doctor telling me my thyroid was totally normal because I had a normal TSH (via synthroid), I knew they were off.  He thought I was maybe a little depressed.  I can give him that I'm not the most chipper person, but that was not it.  Nope.  I knew it was time to do something about this.  I really did not have a choice.  I had officially hit rock bottom.

Good 'ole Sew contacted a local compounding pharmacy and asked who they knew that they made meds for.  Turns out there was a doctor right there in the pharmacy.  In my desperation, I called and made an appointment.  I about cried when I was told I could be seen in three days.  

I was excited, but very very skeptical.  I knew nothing about this doctor.  Her office was in a pharmacy and medical supply shop.  What was I thinking??!!  I walked in and about walked out.  But I figured it was worth a shot.

I turned out to be the best thing ever.

I spent over an hour with Dr. Davis… just talking about what I had been experiencing.  I told her about my overwhelming exhaustion… my anxiety… my inability to lose any of this darn baby weight… how cold I always am… etc. etc.  This list goes on and on.  I cried.  I told her I wanted to be a great mom to George and not a crazy tired mom.  She said she understood.  It was amazing.  

She immediately (without looking at a single lab) told me that I was severely hypothyroid and my adrenals were shot.  She said that she suspected my DHEA, testosterone and progesterone were all low.  She asked if I had had infertility, endo or PCOS.  Ummm… all three.  

She ordered some labs that confirmed everything she suspected.  

My thyroid looked like it was functioning by other doctors standards… for my TSH had been in a good range since before George was born.  But my free T3 and free T4 were non existent.  When she called with my lab results she asked how I was even functioning.  Ummm… they were that bad.  

She also had me do a saliva cortisol test.  I  didn't even have to advocate for it, like I had with other doctors.  I just spit away.  I was hoping I wasn't wasting my money on spit.  Nope.  My adrenals were totally not doing a dang thing.  NOTTA!  I had hardly any cortisol in my system.  Oh boy.  That test was worth every penny.  It was my Christmas gift to myself.  :)

She switched up my meds…. started me on a bunch of supplements and gave me a script for armour.  Just a low dose and it has seemed to do the trick thus far.   

We have a long way to go… but it's a start. 

I'm no longer freezing.  I don't even need my heated blanket every night.

I have lost 8lbs.

I have some much needed energy.

I have gone back to the gym because of the energy.

Do I want to get out of bed??  Not really… because it is so comfy… not because I cannot function.

PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!!!

I saw her today.  She tweaked my meds and said she would see me in a month.  She told me to have hope.  I finally do.