Double Stroller

We bought a double stroller.

I'm not pregnant.  Not that I know of anyway, as I am currently in the 2WW.

The stroller came up on an online garage sale.  It was the one we wanted when/if we are able to have another baby.  The deal was amazing, so we jumped on it.

Then I felt like I wanted to puke.  Who knew a great deal on a double stroller (which can also be a single or a triple) would cause so much anxiety.   I couldn't sleep… I stayed up watching getting caught up on big brother while watching videos online about double strollers.

Crazy thoughts just kept running through my head: Would it jinx us?  Will it just be a constant reminder of the second baby that wasn't here?  And on and on…

I about lost it.

Doug on the other hand, was so positive, as he is about everything.  He felt is was a good sign, not a jinx at all.  He felt even better about it when we went to pick it up.  The lady we were buying it from had over 5 years of infertility and is now, to her surprise, pregnant with #2.

Sidenote:  I kept thinking… "why is she selling this!?  It's brand new!" She loooooved this stroller… and was so sad to see it go.  She wanted a true jogging stroller.  Win for us!

Realistically, I know that a stroller can't prevent me from ovulating.  It isn't going to jinx us.  But man it had me going.

Dang IF.  Dang Secondary IF.

We have been hoping and "trying" for #2 for months.  Realistically, we haven't ever prevented or even avoided post-George.  Still No baby.  I was in some serious denial about my fertility.  I thought we'd just have a little surprise or a little kinda planned surprise.

Notta.

So last month, shit got real again.  I went back to my doctor.  I knew we would probably need some help in the fertility area.  He agreed.  If nothing happens this cycle… then meds, shots, ultrasound series, the works.

We opted to try one more month without meds and such.  Why?  Oh just a ton of IF nonsense really.  I want my body to just work.  I want it to do something it is suppose to do -- ovulate for heaven sakes!  I just thought if we had the script for all the upcoming treatment…we wouldn't need to use it.  See - nonsense!

Honesty, I'm still hoping.  I'm hoping the meds I have 'on hold' and 'pending' with the express fertility pharmacy will never need to be ordered.

I'm hanging on to hope, even after a BFN this morning.  It was way too early to test, but I can't help it.  I'm a crazy tester.

But that BFP… which I fully expected… led to a very tearful morning mass.  I don't even know what the songs were… but dang they made me cry.  There were big families all around us.  Tiny babies all over.  The BFN was looming in my mind.  I could not keep it together.

That was, until George started throwing his play bible and rosary all over the place.  Reality check.  I snapped out of it.  I offered a pray or Thanksgiving that for right now, I get to use a stroller.  It might not be a double, but I'm still so blessed to even have a stroller (from you wonderful blog sisters) in my trunk.

Granted, it doesn't take away all the nasty and weird emotions infertility or secondary infertility brings…. but it at least dulled it a bit for today.

And hey… if there isn't a baby for the stroller… it so fancy that maybe Daisy can just ride in it!

Again… I'm losing it.  haha.