Pain

Pain.  That is something that I've been experiencing lately.  I'm not a fan.  I think I have a pretty high pain tolerance, but I feel as if my physical pain and my emotional pain are tied so closely together that I cannot tell where one starts and the other one begins.  They both have made me a bit of an emotional mess as of late.  I need to sort them out, so I can start of move on.

Physical Pain.

I spent the majority of the past week curled up in a ball in bed.  I thought it was a combination of cramps, some cysts and dare I say a few bowel issues.  I expected it all to go away when I was a little further along in my cycle.  Nope.  It did not change.  All week.  The pain was intense and always there -- looming in my lower right side.  It did not matter how I sat, how I stood, how I curled up in bed... it was there.  It felt similar to when I had gallstones - dull pain followed by lots of shooting, stabbing excruciating pain.  Ouch, in an understatement.

I assumed it was a cyst.  I've had this same pain before -- always in the exact same spot, right around the beginning of my cycle and possibly around ovulation.  I've obviously had cysts in the past and they have always been confirmed via ultrasound each time this pain would come around.  The pain had become unbearable.  So, I went in for an ultrasound at Dr. G's office.  I fully expecting to see one hellofa cyst on the screen.  Even the ultrasound gal was surprised when everything was all clear!  I thought there had to be a mistake... and so did she.  So we took a second look and not a thing.  This is actually a good thing!  However, it doesn't explain the pain.  The nurse and Dr. G think there is a possibility that there could be some endo in there ... so does Dr. Sew.  I'm not sure and we won't be until I get a lap... so we will watch and see what happens with said pain.  We will keep a lap in mind for a later time.

Since there was no cyst and the pain kept increasing, I went to my PCP and then headed to a fun filled night at the hospital to confirm it wasn't something non-ovarian related.  Appendix? Kidney stone? Bowel obstruction?  After lots of waiting and tests, they all came back negative.  Nice.  While that is great news, it left me with no explanation of what this could be.  My PCP's recommendation: "Relax this weekend, lay on the couch and watch the Colts win."  Ha.  I do love the guy.  It drives him crazy when he cannot find the problem, so he said he'd be working on this some more this week.

So, in the meantime, I blame any crazy comments or middle of the night emails that make little to no sense on the pain pills.  :)

Emotional Pain.


This has been tugging at my heart the last few months as well.  This is why I have been so quiet on this blog and quiet from commenting and even emailing at times.  The past months have been difficult, to put it mildly.  I'm not a crier and I've cried more these two months then I ever remember.  Pretty much anything will make me have a break-down.  DH and I can be having a great day and boom... crying.  We can be having a bad day and boom... crying.  I can be watching TV and boom... crying.  It's crazy!  Big-fat ugly tears!  And lots of them.

A lot of it has to do with a variety of situations that I have no control over in my career.  I've been questioning what I am truly meant to do in life and that is a hard subject to tackle.  If I cannot be a mom... then what should I be?  What would give my life real meaning?  Should I go back to school?  What do I really want to study? What are my talents and how could I use those gifts at a job that really matters and I would love going to each day?  I like solutions and finding answers to these questions are not easy.  It feels like there are constant roadblocks at every single corner.  When this happens I get anxious and my mind starts spiraling out of control and it all come back to the first question:

If I cannot be a mom... then what should I (or really) what can I be??  

It's like a circle of fear, anxiety, pain, then some more fear, anxiety, pain.  I know it's early in our journey to be thinking like this.  We have not even given ttc a real go.  We are waiting to start actively trying with meds and such until next year.  There is a lot hope on the horizon for 2011.  I honestly do believe that when some other health problems get worked out, we will conceive.  I really do and I am SO excited about what the next year will bring.  It's just a long process to get there.  Even along with all the hope I/we have for the next year, it comes with it's own set of anxiety and fear.  I try to tackle that and then the "mom" question always comes back.  It is always looming and it's just hard to even think about.  I try to cover it up with random humor and act like everything going on doesn't bother me... but as we all know, it does.

I know that this is not new.  I'm not the first or last to experience both types of pain.  My pain might seem small or simple to some, it's still pain to me and it cuts deep.

Throughout it all, I am trying to stay positive.  I am praying more.  We are praying more as a couple, which I LOVE.  I try to be upbeat, especially around DH.  He knows me better than I know myself and he can always sense where I'm at -- even if I'm all smiles, but hurting on the inside.  He just knows.  He has been the most wonderful supportive guy through all of this.  He held me while I cried over and over.   He was at a loss of what else to do... he had NEVER seen my eyes so red from all the tears, tears that would not stop.  He has been there to remind me that no matter what I am feeling, no matter if I'm sad or mad or a little crazy, that he loves me and he always will. Whenever I look at him, I feel so blessed ... so very very blessed... and some of the pain subsides.  When he holds me, the pain melts away.  When I hear him pray to God that all the pain will leave... it makes me feel like the luckiest girl... and it makes me cry... but in a good way.  I think that is a step in the right direction.