Fears

I'm afraid I'll never have a child.  This terrifies me to no end.
I'm afraid no one will call me mommy.
I'm afraid I'll never be able to see Doug be an awesome dad.
I'm afraid we will never get to use any of our names that we talk about all the time.
I'm afraid my parents will never get to hold my baby.
I'm afraid that I'll always have hope and every month I'll be disappointed and sad and scared.
I'm afraid that we will not be able to afford treatment and surgeries and adoptions.
I'm afraid I will get pregnant and lose blogging friends.
I'm afraid we would not pass a home study due to our ages and finances.
I'm afraid a birth mother would never choose us.
I'm afraid I will not be a good mother if we do get pregnant or chosen.
I'm afraid about my mom's health, my dad's health and Doug's health.
I'm afraid to get rid of the fat clothes.
I'm afraid I'll regain the weight.
I'm afraid I'll always feel jealous of others and never feel good enough.
I'm afraid my fears are getting the best of me.

Obviously, I have been so fearful lately.  The more I think, the more I fear.  This list could go on and on.  I haven't been sleeping well. I lay down and my mind does not shut off, despite being exhausted.  I lay there and think about everything in life and somehow expect to fall asleep.  It is not working.  I have been having odd dreams about my fears, making the little sleep I'm am getting very restless.  I wake up exhausted and it all starts over again.

I am trying to pray.  I am trying to trust.  I am trying to not worry about everything - about the worse case scenario.  I seem to not be able to get all the fears out of my mind.  No big panic attack moments, just a continued state of fearing the unknown and future.

I keep praying this prayer... several times a day.  It came from this blog and I love it.  There was a picture on the post and I put it on my iPhone as my wallpaper.  I thought it might remind me each and every time I turn my phone on (which is often) that Mary is there for me and I do not need to be anxious or worry.  I need to remember that God is in control and there is no reason for me to questions God's plan for me - even for even a brief minute.  If I am having an anxious moment, I try to glance at it. Thanks again My Heart Exults for posting it.  Side note: I emailed my mom the picture and prayer.  She printed it and took it with her to surgery.  She prayed it and it did calm her down.  It's that powerful.  I hope it can give me some peace.

Mother of Tranquility and Mother of Hope, look upon me in this time of my weakness and unrest. Teach my searching heart to know that God's love for me unchangeable; and that true human love can only begin and grow by touching His love. Let your gentle peace which this world cannot give be always with me. And help me to bring this same peace into the lives of others. Our Lady of Mental Peace, pray for me.

Mary on my iPhone.