The Background:
I am on my 2nd cycle after my endo/tube surgery. Cycle #1 was a bust. It was a wonky and crazy. When I started cycle #2, I called Dr. G and set up a cycle review and follow-up. I am so glad I did. He was booked solid until January and I just squeezed in. Whoot!
He agreed my first cycle was just that... a first post-op cycle. It was to be expected, that is was a bit messed up and not an 'ideal' cycle. It was semi-ok in length and flow. Mucus was all messed up and spotty. My temps were all over the place. I knew that it would be a long shot to conceive with all that, but I was still disappointed. I couldn't help it. I had a dream that I would just miraculously conceive right away. It was a crazy dream that I knew wouldn't happen, but still, a dream nonetheless.
Dr. G again insisted that the surgery was a glowing success as far as the endo and tubes go. He also said freeing up the ovaries will also help things along. Now we just needed to work on ovulation. He said that with the 100+ pound weight loss, I just *might* ovulate on my own. He was hopeful that I would.
But just in case we don't conceive this month, we will be doing some ovulatory meds and HCG next month. It sounds like a good plan. The nurse (who I LOVE - she is the best!) wrote me some scripts for cycle #3. She handed them to me and said, "Try try try this month and maybe you will not have to fill these. I'm hoping for that." She really is the best.
The Bitterness:
The appointment went exactly how I had planned. I had a great conversation with the doctor and left with some magic meds. Yet, when I left, I broke down hysterically crying on the way to my car. Once I started driving, I found myself screaming in the car. I was SO MAD!!! ANGRY!! BITTER!!! Why the heck do any of us have to go through this!?? Why!??
I just get so angry! I do not understand why my and all my IF friends bodies just do not work right. Why I cannot just ovulate like the rest of the world who get pregnant when they do not even want to!?! It is so aggravating! I feel like such a failure in that department. Ugh Ugh Ugh!
It did not help that I had numerous pregnancy announcements the week of the appointment. It didn't help that many of my friends were talking about how they were loving the IUD's and birth control.
All of that talk, along with my fertility medication scripts made me so bitter about it all. It took me days to calm down and not look at the script (which I wanted!) without giving the poor piece of paper a nasty look.
The Hope:
I eventually calmed down. I came to grips that this is what we might have to do if this cycle is a bust as well. I am not a failure. I am just doing what I have to to have a baby. I filled some of the script to be prepared and I'll get the HCG *if* I need it when cycle #3 starts. Yep, see... there is still HOPE. I carry it around with me everyday. I constantly say, *if* we have to use the meds, *if* we don't conceive this month, *if* we do conceive, etc. It is the word of the month.
This cycle has given me reason to hope. I have not had any brown bleeding (none since surgery!). I have had great mucus (best ever really!). My cycle has followed a 'normal' pattern so far. I even have had my fertile mucus right around day 13/14/15... something that is totally new for me. I normally (pre-surgery) would have spotty mucus, if any, and it would be very late in my cycle - after day 17/18.
This cycle, all signs point to possible ovulation. However, I have a sinking feeling my little egg is there, but just cannot get out the starting gate. That is what it has done in the past. But maybe I will ovulate. On my own. Un-medicated. That would be some good news and pretty amazing, since I don't think it has happened for a loooong time.
I still have my moments of being bitter, of being angry. But I cannot do that for an entire cycle. It drives me and my poor DH crazy. I hate feeling like that. I'm sure it will pop back up again. But for now, I'm going to focus on the good things about this cycle. It's the only way I will make it to cycle #3, *if* there is one!
17 comments:
I hear you all the way. It SUCKS big time. IF sucks! Thanks crappy hormones and stupid crappy body that doesn't work. And why do I need a bajillion medical interventions to do sucha tiny little thing like ovulate!!!!
Whew, I feel better. Don't you? But Jenny, there is so much hope to be had. Your doc/nurse sound super hopeful and yoru cycle this month sounds like it's much improved. I think you are getting there! I pray you are. Praying soooo hard for good mucus and an egg that cooperates and all that fun stuff:)
Bitterness and hope... It's amazing how closely they travel together! Hoping and praying with you that you don't need the meds next cycle!!
So much HOPE and love coming your way. I ask myself the same question all the time why why WHY do so many amazing couples have to struggle SO MUCH when so many others take their fertility for granted, or even consider it a curse.
Anyways --- thinking of you, praying with you, hoping for you! Keep your chin up J!!! <3
I hope you don't need those scripts too. It's such a mystery why some women struggle so much to conceive. We will never know this side of heaven. But thank God for the meds (I know I wouldn't have my Dominic without them) and lots of prayer and IF support. Love you!
You are handling things with much more grace than I would. I will be praying that you never get to cycle #3, but even if you do, there is so much stinking hope now! Look at how far you've come! So happy to be allowed to witness the "journey".
I so, SO get this. I had those same post-surgery feelings. But the body just takes awhile to get back into rhythm, so a person almost can't even really count that first cycle. I think it's so promising that this next cycle already seems more normal. You certainly can't say you're not doing everything you possibly can!! You are working so hard!!
The aggravation at the unfairness of it all doesn't really go away...I still feel so frustrated that many people take their fertility for granted and yet for others, it is such a struggle. That will be the first thing I ask God when my time on earth is over! "What's UP with that, God??"
Love you bunches, and you are always in my prayers.
Praying for you Jenny! You are doing so much - none of us know why we're being asked to wait or live with this cross, but surely God must be using you to help many souls. Hugs!!!
It sucks. I am right there praying/hoping/wishing that no one would ever have to deal with IF/SF. It is really not fair. Praying that there is no cycle three but even if there is that hope remains!
Praying that this will be the cycle for you! Your hope does shine through on this post, and you have a lot of things going for you this month.
I can sort of sympathize with what you are saying about your body not working right. Even being in the healthy weight range now, I will always have PCOS and diabetes. My body just doesn't work right. It's only by the grace of God that it worked right that one time and we had Maggie. I so, so fear it will never work again.
Praying for you friend!
Um, when did you jump into my head? Hope and bitterness, that is what this journey is all about. The frustration with my body not working is indescribable to someone who doesn't have IF, thank-you for putting it into words.
Praying that you don't need those meds and that never see cycle 3!
Love to you Jen. Wish I could be there to hug you and then let you scream for a bit. I will be there in a sec if you tell me you need me. Prayers coming your way!
I'm praying this cycle will be IT for you! I had those same angry feelings too...stupid IF. I'm glad that you have such great docs and nurses! That is a blessing! Focus on the blessings! Praying for you!
Hang in there. I got pregnant 6 month after surgery and on 2nd month of hormone treatment. I here you and the waiting is excruciating. What helped me was to make a list of what had to be fixed hormonally befre expecting a BFP. Each time my AF showed up I had to remind myself that my body was not ready just yet.
I get what you're feeling 100%! I have moments when I feel bitter that we even had to spend all of our money (and then some) on surgery while people in my family take their fertility for granted, and there's my fertile bf and her IUD...
I am so hopeful for you! Your doctor and that nurse sound amazing!
Praying for you!!!!
Praying praying praying praying that this is the cycle, and that if it isn't you're still able to have hope for the next!!!!! MUCH LOVE!
I can totally understand the bitterness. I've been downright nasty to people myself.
I'm excited for you that on cycle #2, you're not seeing any brown bleeding and its replaced with great CM! I will be borrowing the "if" word myself and praying for you. Heal, body, heal!!!
Bitterness and hope - yeah, been there. I remember just going into a funk during part of our journey as I just couldn't keep wrapping my head around the notion that for some people this was so easy (or appeared to be) to get pregnant and for others, it seemed like you had to go to the ends of the earth to conceive. But I still hoped beyond hope that I would wake up one morning and have been transported into the former category and could just make it happen at will. Yeah, it didn't happen like that.
I was just thinking it is hard for me to have lots of hope in my own prayers, because I often worry that by getting my hopes up too high, I will come crashing down that much harder. However, it is SO MUCH EASIER for me to have hope for other people and truly believe to the core of my being that their hopes will be fulfilled. So let us fill you with the HOPE that we carry for you and Doug and may you feel others prayers on your behalf!
Post a Comment