It's been hard to post.

It seems like I would have a lot to post about these days.  I've had doctor visits... ultrasounds of our little one... we've been to a baby store or two, etc., etc.  But the truth is, it has been hard to post about it.  I would go to write a post or post an u/s picture and I couldn't push publish.  I'd just start crying, thinking about my IF days and delete the whole thing.

I'm not looking for a pity party here, trust me.  I know without a doubt how very very blessed I am.  I have just gotten a few emails asking me why I hadn't posted and making sure things were OK with me and Baby H.  So I thought I'd explain.

It's nothing new.  I was warned way before my BFP that I might have some, ummm, confusing and interesting emotions when I finally found myself pregnant.  I believed them, but it seemed so far away, so distant that it didn't hit home at all.  Even in the first few weeks of my pregnancy, it didn't hit home.  Then, I took a moment to stop and think about everything and wham... emotional craziness breakdown ensued.

I feel OVERJOYED. I cry at the drop of a hat thinking that there is a tiny little life inside me.  I still cannot believe it.  Me, pregnant?  Really?  Yep, really.  I will randomly look at Doug and say, "Oh my goodness we are having a baby!!!!"  He will reply, "Yes dear, I know this," in his very calm reassuring voice. I am crazy blessed.  Just three tiny months after surgery and we conceived.  During a wonky cycle at that.  It is still so crazy and I'm not sure when I will really believe it.  Maybe in the delivery room.

I feel SCARED.  I spent the good several weeks of my pregnancy praying my little heart out that something would not go wrong.  I have been given the most amazing gift and my biggest fear is that it will go away.  Before each doctor visit, I was so excited, but also petrified that there would no longer be a heartbeat, that the baby hadn't grown, that my morning (or all day) sickness was due to my progesterone supplements and not real pregnancy hormones.  Seriously, Doug is a saint.  He has walked me off the ledge many many times in the last several weeks.

I think IF takes some of the innocence of a pregnancy away.  We know too much.  So many of my fertile friends never spent their early pregnancy days wondering about their progesterone levels of how their HCG was rising.  Ectopic pregnancy was not something they googled excessively due to their former tube surgeries... because they never had any tube surgeries to put them at risk!  They didn't have multiple ultrasounds because they were considered high risk.  Heck, several of my fertile friends found out they were pregnant around 9 - 10 weeks!  I'd had 4 doctor visits by then!

I never imagined telling random people I was pregnant, followed by a "please pray... I'm so worried about Baby H." It was like I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I have been so use to things not going right, that when all of my early doctor exams went great, I hardly knew what to do.  I'm still afraid.  Even as I type this I'm hoping Baby H is doing just fine in there.  I'm thinking this fear, while I'm not going to let it consume me, will be sticking around for a while.

I still feel a bit RESENTFUL.  I wasn't sure about this emotion and it's been hard to swallow.  I have several IRL friends popping up pregnant right now.  We are due around the same time.  Many of them had just started trying.  I still feel a tad bit of a cringe when I hear, "We just got off the pill and boom!"  Seriously.  The pain of IF is still there, even if the IF isn't.  I almost want to wear a sign that says, "I'm not exactly like you!  It took us over two years to get pregnant and it wasn't easy!"  But there is no sign.  I know my time with IF doesn't win me a special award.  But the ease of others getting pregnant still hurts.

Along with the resentment, I feel UNCOMFORTABLE. It feels very strange that I'm all of the sudden in the mommy group.  I was the only one in my little lunch group without a baby.  Now, the pregnancy talk at lunch is about me, not the others, and it makes me feel weird.  I tend to change the subject when anything baby comes up.  There is still one girl in our group who hasn't conceived.  I am acutely aware of how those baby talks made me feel.  The last thing I want to do is hurt her.  While she has assured me that she is nothing but thrilled for me, I still worry.  We were a little pair of infertiles who would cry and joke about it.  Now, I'm with the others and she's not.  I don't like that.  It's odd I'm clumped in with the fertiles, especially because I don't feel fertile at all.

I feel like I'm in an in-between spot right now.  When I went to sign up for prayer buddies this lent, I drafted an email to sign up for the IF buddies.  Right before sending it, I realized I really should be signing up for the general prayer buddy group.  It didn't occur to me until right when I was sending the email.  Weird weird feeling.  I just don't know how to not be an IFer yet.

I'm also uncomfortable asking 'mommy questions' to those fertile friends.  I so wanted to be part of their conversations for so long and now I don't want to ask them anything.  Maybe it's because for so long I felt so separate, so out of it, but in a way I liked that.  I was praying and praying and fighting for a baby, while they were popping out kids and quickly getting sterilized after giving birth.  They never had to fight.  Again, it doesn't make me super special... but I liked being part of an IF group who knew what it was like to really value a BFP.  So, asking questions, talking about the baby like I've always been one of them seems - wrong.  Like I'm part of group I use to really dislike.  I'm just babbling and not explaining it well, but maybe you know what I mean.

I feel RELIEVED.  Knowing that we conceived, that it is possible, is a huge relief.  The heaviest weight of my life has been lifted off my shoulders.  It is the very best feeling.

Finally... I feel GUILTY.  Yep, I do.  Majorly.  This is probably the main reason for my lack of posting.  I hate to think that there are so many that are still waiting that haven't gotten their BFP.  It pains me that those who have been waiting longer, who deserve it more aren't talking about their baby yet.  I pray for them everyone each day and am so humbled that I have this gift.

I remember what announcements were like.... what baby talk feels like... baby/ultrasound pictures of FB feel like.  All those feelings are still right there.  While I was often 'saddened' or 'hurt' by the common pregnancy announcement, I never felt bad about IFers getting pregnant.  But that's just me.  I was always genuinely thrilled that someone had 'crossed over'.  It gave me hope and I loved following their pregnancy journey and seeing baby pictures.  I know everyone has good and bad days and can handle some things and not others on certain days.  I fell into that category each month.  I hate to think that my posts or my pregnancy cause others pain.  HATE IT.

While all these emotions are swirling around my head all the time, I cannot let any of these feelings consume me.  I know I have a right to be happy about this little one.  I have waited for a long time for this and I want to write about it and remember it all.  I blog about my life and this is my current life.  I need to get back to it and so I will.  I'm bound to make mistakes, get my emotions all messed up and such.  I'm still adjusting to this new state of life... so please be patient.  I'm working on it... I promise!

Later this week... Baby pics will be coming!