Dad Update

Hey prayer warriors!  You gals ROCK!!  Super duper ROCK!!

Doug and I headed to Ohio this weekend to visit with my dad and help my mom out some.  It was a much needed trip.  Last week when I left, he was still in the hospital.  A few days later, they moved him to his rehabilitation facility and he still was in bad shape.  Dad sounded so bad.  He was having trouble talking.  He was beyond exhausted and you could hear the pain in every word he spoke.

I was beyond worried.  Seriously, I can count on one hand the times I've heard my dad complain or say he was in pain... and there have been PLENTY of times in his life that he had every right to complain and scream in pain.  He just never does.  So, when I heard him talking about how horrible he felt, it was crushing.

Throughout the week, his spirits seemed to improve.  He was joking more and while still saying he hurt all over, seemed to be getting some of his surgical complications under control.  But still in extreme pain.  I would be too - 4 back fusions and 38 staples.  OUCH!!!!  He would speak of his physical therapy going well and how he was walking more!  Good stuff!

I had a feeling I would see an improved dad when we went to the rehab center yesterday.  Improved he was!  He looked great!  He had some color back in his face (still pretty pale) and up and moving around!  He looked more like himself and his spirits were up and great!  I think not being in a hospital gown helps with that a bit! Could I use more exclamation points???!!!

We basically just visited with him and helped my mom out at home.  My mom is still struggling a bit from her surgery.  She had been doing great and recently began having knee and leg pain, so has taken a few steps back.  Still waaaayyy better than before surgery.  It is crazy hard for her to get around, travel to see my dad (he's across town), walk to his room, do his laundry, bring stuff to him while walking with her walker, etc., etc.  It is a lot for her and she is exhausted.  She's also crazy lonely at home.  Ugh.  I hate seeing my parents suffer like this.  I don't like it!  I don't like it!  I don't like it!

We weren't able to stay long - just one night- and will not be heading back until Thanksgiving b/c of my surgery next week.  My dad will likely go home at the end of the week and I hate not being able to be there for that!  Ugh!  Hate it!  I wish I/they lived closer.

Thanks so much for ALL your prayers.  They were heard and felt!!!!  Please keep praying!!!!

side note... Doug and I left Daisy at a Doggy Boarding place (with web cams!) for over 24 hours to head to Ohio... aren't you proud?? :)

URGENT PRAYER REQUEST!!

Hi all, this is Hebrews for All Things b/c she's having problems posting. Please read the post below and then let's storm Heaven!!!

Please pray for my dad. He is having a very hard time right now. He has been transferred to a rehabilitation center and is in so much pain from his back surgery. The doctors/nurses are having trouble getting his pain under control. His feet were bleeding today, which is very dangerous for a diabetic. He is extremely fatigued and having a hard time holding a conversation. He said he was so tired he could hardly hold up the phone. He is the most positive person ever and never complains, so I know when he is saying he is in extreme pain, he means it.

He has me and my mom very worried. I'm so far away, I feel very helpless. But then again, my mom is just across town and feels the same way. So, please prayer warriors, pray for Ted Johnson.  Thanks ladies!

The Hunt.

We need a child.  Poor Daisy.  Poor, poor Daisy.  

She has been the center of our (well, mine) Halloween obsession this year.  I've been hunting for just the right costume for the puppy Halloween party.  I have not been to a Halloween party in years.  I've never been to a puppy Halloween party, so it's been fun and I like it, I admit it!  We received a few Sta.r Wars outfits from a friend and we bought three others at Tar.get to take home and try. We will be returning the two that don't work.  The checkout lady asked if we had three dogs!  Nope, just one spoiled pup!  Hahahahaha.  Anyway... here is dressed-up Daisy!  

I will be seeking professional help very very soon. 

We first tried the Yoda look.  

The force is strong with this one and she would not keep the costume on.

She couldn't pull off the Darth Va.der look.  She's simply too cute and she would have nothing to do with the Va.dar mask.  I don't blame her... it was pretty scary looking.

Next, was Doug's pick.  He went with something super girly.

Then it was time for the rocker look.  She's bad to the bone and she knows it.

Then we finally found our winner.  Daisy as a Daisy.  It's perfect.

Now I have NO IDEA what Doug and I will wear.  

Sunday quick takes

1. My endo/tube clearing surgery is scheduled for 11/9/11 - only 23 days away!!!  Whoot!  I cannot wait! Pregnant by Christmas, right??!!  Hey, I can dream, can't I?

2. Speaking of surgeries... it's my dad's turn this week.

Please pray for him as he undergoes major back surgery this Thursday!  My mom had surgery back in June and now it's time for my dad to get his back fixed.  My mom and I are both very anxious about his surgery.  He has so much wrong with his back and I'm confident the doctors will be able to fix it and/or relieve some of his constant pain.

I have some irrational fear with his surgery that I'm trying to overcome.  His mother, my grandma, died in surgery when she was around his age.  For some reason, it makes me SO worried.  Plus, his recovery will be very different than my mom's.  She is still having some pain and problems walking... so who will take care of her while she is trying to take care of him??  I know they are only three hours away, but when I head home a few days after the surgery, it will seem as if I'm across the entire country. I cannot do anything to help and they need it.  So please pray for my mom and my anxieties, for a successful surgery and recovery for my dad and all that jazz!  Please and thank you!

3. We've been working on a costume for Daisy for Halloween.  Yep, we are those crazy dog people.  We have a doggie costume party at our dog obedience training place -- so we HAVE TO dress her up!  A friend of mine gave us some old Star War.s costumes.  I don't think she will keep them on.  She was pretty dang cute!  Annoyed, I'm sure, but cute!

4. In an attempt to be more grown-up and have a more grown-up house, Doug and I got some new bedding!  Finally, after almost 2 years of married life, we have a nice quilt on our bed and I'm loving it!

I LOVED LOVED LOVED my old bedding.  I once won a $500 gift card from Pottery Barn and I went to town!  It is the most comfortable down comforter and duvet cover.  But, I have a very warm-blooded husband and the down comforter was way too warm for him.  Dang it!  It's now in the guest room.  We've just had random blankets on our bed since we got married.  I was beyond over it!

I come from a long-line of quilters, so I have always had an abidance of quilts around.  I love them.  However, when I mentioned using one of my grandmothers hand-stitched quilts, she about had a heart attack!  I don't blame her... using one of those quilts day in and day out (with animals on them at times!  Yikes!) would surely break the threads and the quilt would not be as beautiful.  So, she bought us a quilt for our upcoming anniversary!  That way, we can use it and not feel guilty!  My mom will also not be dreaming about breaking quilt threads and such!

Seriously, when you come from a line of quilters, quilt guilt is almost as bad as Catholic guilt.  

5. I have discovered that making changes around the house, while important and nice, does not take that 'empty' feeling that infertility can cause.  It doesn't matter that we have a new quilt, new curtains and are finally going to hang up some artwork... we still don't have a baby and that feeling does not go away.  

I really have to watch myself and deal with the feelings instead of trying to decorate or buy my way out of it.  I have a tendency to think that changing something will make everything better.  It never works.

6.  We enjoyed getting Daisy blessed at the recent pet blessing at our parish.  It was so fun!  They had music and readings... and a chicken!  Yep, among all the cats, dogs and goldfish, was a pet chicken!  It was the hit of the day!  We asked for some extra holy water for Daisy.  Hehe.

The actual blessing... Daisy was getting ready to pounce on the holy water. 

Ahhh.. Catholic Puppy.

7.  I'm pretty convinced we are going to be crazy parents.  After mass today, Doug and I went to a Doggie Day Care/Boarding place to take a tour and interview the people.  We have had Daisy in doggie day camp before and she loves it.  We need to switch her to a new place for a few days this week due to some timing issues.  We met the people who would be taking care of her and grilled them like we were leaving our baby.  Thank goodness they have webcams and my phone has a great app that I can watch her on while she plays and is away from me.  He he.  I told you, we are those crazy dog people.

Summer Prayer Buddy!

I had the privilege of praying for my good friend Sarah over at Sarah's Journal. I was so excited when I got her name, because we had been friends since she was planning her wedding!  We got married almost a year a part and I loved loved loved watching her plan and seeing all the beautiful happenings of the big day.  Now, it's been great to follow her life as a newlywed.  Sarah, my DH and I prayed for your intentions with our whole hearts.  I hope you could feel the prayers!

Surgery!!!

I'm going to have endo surgery!!!!!  WHOOOOO HOOOOO!  

Yep, I am WAY TOO excited about the possibility of surgery!  The things IF will do to you!

I had a great appointment this afternoon with my fertility guy, Dr. G.  Doug and I met with him to discuss all my messed up female parts.  Dr. G, Doug and I all agree it's time to get this baby making show on the road!  Nothing has happened in the almost 2 years we've been married and now that my weight is at a good place, it is time to move forward.  Hearing that was music to my ears!

We had been in a waiting pattern as far as fertility surgery, meds, etc. this year due to my surgery last December.  It would have been fine if we had gotten pregnant on our own (ha!), but Dr. G really wanted to wait to do surgery for my endo until I was almost or at 1 year post-op from my gastric bypass.

I have been having so much pain lately, it is almost unbearable.  I wake up in the night from pain.  I have trouble getting out of bed because of the pain.  It's there all the time and it's getting worse.  I have a gut feeling the majority of the pain is from my right ovary being stuck to my abdominal wall.  Ouch.  It's in a very specific spot and Dr. G agreed that that is most likely the cause of the worst pain as well.  However, to be safe, we are doing a repeat CT scan next week to make sure nothing else is causing this pain.  If the scan is clear, then he will schedule surgery ASAP!  Whoot!!

I'm beyond excited.  I literally did a little conga line dance out of the office.  I think Doug was a little embarrassed and I have no idea what the people in the waiting room were thinking.  He he.

I know this might not be the fix we need to conceive, but it feels like it is a step in the right direction.  I sometimes am filled with SO MUCH HOPE about conceiving and then I will remember that one tube is totally blocked, one is partially blocked, I'm not great at ovulating and I have endo all over.  Then I am SO LOW.  This can all occur within a matter of minutes.  It's crazy.  After surgery, surely some of this up and down anxiety will be lessen.  He will be removing endo, unsticking (that's my technical term for it) my ovary from my abdominal wall, delicately flushing out my tubes and opening them and removing any adhesion's that I have.  How could this not help??  At the very least, I'm hoping for some pain relief.  And in all honesty, I really am hoping for much much more!

This Thankful Thursday (really Wednesday) is...

Dedicated to Hebrews!!!  WHOOO HOOOO!

What am I thankful this week???

A BFP for my great friend!!!!  I was just smiling and smiling all day just thinking about how happy she and her DH must be!!  Woozers!  As down as I can feel when I hear a pregnancy announcement, hearing one from a fellow (now former) IFer is SO DIFFERENT!  I AM BEYOND ELATED!!!!!!!

Someone else is pretty psyched too!!  Congratulations Hebrews!!

Thankful Thursday!

Rebecca over at The Road Home is doing Thankful Thursdays!  I love reading what she is thankful for... so I thought I'd steal the idea and give it a try.  Click on the icon to see what she is thankful for!

1.  I am thankful for this man.  He is my everything and more than I ever dreamed of having.  I'm thinking it might be time to do a separate, "Why I love my Husband" post soon!

2.  I am thankful for the wonderful gift of marriage and so thankful that my parents have been such wonderful examples.  They have been through it all: the Vietnam War, infertility, for richer and poorer, living in several states, starting over again and again, illness, having some rebellious kids (well one - and it's not me!), deep pain and heartache and growing old together.  If they can get through all that and more... they are the bomb!  Love them!

3.  I am thankful for protein! LOVE IT!  Bet you didn't see that one coming, huh??

4.  I am thankful for my fenced in back yard.  We got the fence after we had had Daisy a few month and it is wonderful!  Granted, we still have to supervise her out there or she will eat rocks and sticks and mud, but it still rocks my world!  I'm also thankful for these two in the fence.  They are so cute!

5.  I am thankful for my godson Leo, even if he does have the most distinctive baby hair ever.  Hehe.  Love him. 

6.  I am thankful for great friends.  Here is am with Deacon Dominic.  He's going to make an amazing priest next year!  I am also thankful for all my friends who love love love Big Brother like I do.  You know who you are!

7.  I am thankful that I get to play hide-and-seek with this little pup.  She is not that good at the game.

SO MUCH FOR ME TO BE THANKFUL FOR THIS WEEK!

See ya later!

First... Thank you for all your kind thoughts and prayers last week.  It was not a great week, but I felt lifted up by all your thoughts and prayers.  They are so appreciated!!  I just kept reading the comments and eventually the tears stopped!  Thanks ladies... you are the best!!

Second... I had ONE goal for this weekend:  Clean out the bedroom closet!  It was getting all messy and I could not take it a minute longer.  I could not find a thing and there were piles of clean clothes all over the place ready to be put in the messy closet... but there was no room!

It was also time to say See Ya Later to my second round of fat clothes and trade them in from skinnier fall clothes!   Whoot!!!  Whoot!!  Whoot!!  Man, I had a lot of clothes, including hot pink work out pants!  Not sure what I was thinking when I bought those!

See ya later second round of clothes!! I will not miss you!

A recent progress pic.

Last summer ..............................................This summer!

Just for fun... Me and my loves.  

Doug is actually in the car too, you just can't see him.  He he. 


One more progress picture... but of my little pup this time.

She is growing at lightening speed... and I love it!

Big Fat Ugly Tears

I left work early today.  I just could not stay there any longer.  I was having a day that consisted of:

Work.  Work.  Work.  Big Fat Ugly Tears.  More Tears.  Work.  Work.  Re-applying make-up.  More Tears.  Mascara smeared all over my face.  More Tears.  Finally deciding to call it a day.  Drive.  Drive.  More Tears.

They pretty much have not stopped.

I knew the mini-breakdown was on its way.  It has been brewing for awhile.  Last weekend Doug and I attended a 5 hour baby shower.  I did not want to go.  I was cramping, had horrible endo pain and I was not in a baby shower mood.  I had a little hissy fit pre-shower and I did not want to get out of the dang car.  Eventually,  Doug pulled me out of the car and the shower was fine.  Hanging out with my friends was great.  Baby talk dominated the conversation, so I smiled during all the baby and breast feeding talk.  I smiled while they all talked about their birth and pregnancy stories.  I oohed and ahhhed while all the gifts were opened (they were pretty dang cute).  Thank goodness it was a couples shower and Doug was there.  I do not think I would have made it through the night without him (and without texting Sew!).

After the party, I was just numb.  I was happy for the couple, yet crumbling inside.  But like always, I bounced back and kept going.

Then today, there was a big pregnancy announcement.  I knew it was coming.  I actually thought it would have come a few months ago.  She is the sweetest person ever and she and her DH and their toddler deserve all the happiness in the world.  Yet, I was devastated.  I started crying at my desk at work and could not stop.

Luckily, I have a IRL IF friend at work.  We are the only two who officially 'know' about each others non-functioning reproductive system at the workplace.  And at that workplace, we need each other.  I swear there is a baby boom at that office and we are both in the middle of it.  It is all our friends doing the booming.  She saw me in the bathroom cleaning my smeared mascara and she instantly knew why I was crying.  She patted my back and eased the pain.

I hate how good news makes me break down.  I feel horrible about it.  It is such a hard feeling to digest - feeling genuinely happy for someone, yet heartbroken at the same time.  Ugh.  Ugh.  Ugh.  How do I reconcile that?  I honestly do not know.

So for now, my goal will be to wake up tomorrow, go to work and not cry at my desk.  Hopefully I will be bounce back quickly.  But for right now, I think the night will consist of some big fat ugly tears, some snuggling with my puppy, some praying, some more tears, more snuggling with my pup... and some Big Brother TV watching.  I'm thinking that will make these Big Fat Ugly Tears go away, at least for today.

I need to remember...

On the bad days and even the good days, I need to remember:

It is true and I often forget this simple fact.  

Side note:  This especially applies today, as I'm still pretty distraught that Jeff, one of my all-time favorite players, got evicted from the Big Brother house.  So sad.  I must keep the faith.  Because ... It will be ok.  It will be ok.  It will be ok.  :)

I've gone off the deep end.

Someone must stop me.  I'd like to blame this behavior on IF, but I'm pretty sure I'd be doing this if IF wasn't an issue at all!  Ha!  

Daisy turned the big six months on Monday.  We had a 'tiny' celebration for her... a trip to the Dog Bakery, a personalized treat and party hats!  You can't do much around this house without party hats!  I'm not sure what we will do when she turns one, but watch for formal party invitations in the mail.  And yes, I know... I'm losing it!!

Here's a little bit of Daisy's big day! First up was a trip to the party store.  I had NO IDEA they would have so much for puppy parties!  Man, I could have gone crazy.  Y'all would be so proud of me... I only bought party hats! 

They had a puppy sound track!  Hahahahaha!

Next stop... the Dog Bakery.  Daisy LOVES this place.  What pooch wouldn't?!  An entire store dedicated to good, all natural, wholesome, homemade puppy treats and products.  I must say, I love going there too.  We purchased a pretty sweet celebration bone for her.  Don't worry, that's not chocolate.  It's carob - totally safe for any dog!  She will be working on this bone for a long time!

Then, it was back home for the celebration!  I personally think she looks pretty darn cute in her little hat!  She will do anything for a treat.  

"Ummm... why do I have to wear this silly hat to get a treat!??"

Being a good sport and posing for picture after picture after picture.

"Can I pleeeeeease have my treat now???"

YUMMO!

Happy girl!

Overall, a great day.  I know, a little (OK, a lot) overboard, but it was super fun!  I think the pup would agree. 

Thing I've learned this week...

 1. I still have my endo pain.  Ouch!  Not sure why it surprises me each month.

 2. We are not classy people.  This picture demonstrates this recent discovery.

Nice look Daisy and Smokey.  Classy. Not.

3.  I dress up when I go to the fertility doctor.  I don't always mean to, but it always happens.  I go tomorrow and I planned my outfit... a cute skirt and top.  I'm thinking the cute skirt will help with my baby making plans.  Maybe not with Dr. G, but at least with Doug.  Hehe.

4. Summer feet are gross.  What do I do about cracked heels??  I've tried lotions, creams and it's not working! Help!

5. If your classy puppy eats a ginormous amount of sticks, rocks and grass... you will get to know your veterinarian, very, very well.

He called our house and instead of saying, this is your vet, Dr. Craig Last Name.... he said, "Hi Jenny, it's Craig."  Yep, we are on a first name basis.  The other times he called, he didn't even say his name.  That's how much we have chatted with him over the past few days.  Yep, he's great.

6. There is a reason why I did not become a veterinarian... extracting a poop sample from a puppy that would not give one voluntarily is one of them.

7. The house is really, really quiet when Daisy has to stay overnight at the veterinarian hospital due to her eating all the sticks, rocks and grass.  Sooooo quiet.  What did we do before we had the pup??  We sure missed the little one.

 8. I get a little cranky when the temperature goes over 100 degrees.  I also get a little cranky when the temperature is below 100 degrees.  Hmmm....

 9. I'm lazy.  I've known this before this week, but I'm embracing it this week.  If I could sleep all day, I think I would... especially when it is over 100 degrees and humid outside.

10. I can't keep flowers alive.  My prized flowers I planted are now nearing the end of their short life.  I think it's due to the over 100 degree weather.  See why the weather makes me cranky?

11. When your puppy eats sticks, rocks and grass, her 'output' will be something to talk about.  Even the vet was impressed with what came out.  We are talking full sticks here people.  When did she eat that??!! Ahhhhhhh!

12.  I've never talked so much or been so excited about puppy poo in my life.  Thank goodness there was no need for surgery.  Yay for poo! Oh, come on... I know some of you mom's have said the same thing, just not about puppy poo!!! :)

13.  I'm still obsessed with Big. Brot.her.  I'm even more obsessed with Big Brother than puppy poo!  With all that has happened this week... that's saying a lot!

If she only really thought this, we'd be set!

Quick Takes!

1. It's Big Brother Time!  Oh yea!!  I LOVE LOVE LOVE this totally idiotic show.  LOVE IT!  It's my favorite thing about summer.  I hate to admit that I even subscribed to the live feed one summer... many many years ago.  I was single, no cable... and I watched it all the time!! Hmmm... maybe that was why I was single??

I'm hoping to convert Doug to a BB lover by the end of the summer.  It didn't happen last year... but he's watching and smiling at the TV while I type this.  THERE IS HOPE!

2.  My little pup is HUGE!  Daisy is growing up way. too. fast.  She is now almost 5 1/2 months old and over 40lbs!  She is still the life of the party around our house.  She fills our days with laughter and joy and I cannot image our house without her now.

So big... and cute!

Spoiled puppy.

3. We had our house blessed a few weeks ago by our good friend Fr. Mark.  It was the most hysterical event ever.  It was so typical of something that would happen to Doug and I... and Fr. Mark for that matter. First, he brought a Spanish house blessing book.  So, he had to translate all the prayers and blessing.  Then, the Holy Water would not come out of his Holy Water sprinkler thing. (I'm sure there's an official name for that).  We restarted the blessing three times before any water would come out.  We ran out half way through and had to go through the whole 'no water coming out of the sprinkler' thing again.  But, in the end, it was done!  House blessed!  Whoot!  He did say it wouldn't hurt to have another priest sprinkle some water when they were over next time.  Hahahahaha.

Daisy loves the men in black. 

4.  I've decided I'm getting pregnant in February!  Yep, February ladies!  If fertiles can pick a month to get pregnant, then I can too!!! It works for them, so I'm going to try it too!!  Granted, I really want a BFP before that, but I'm setting my sights out a bit, just to ease the cushion in case my grand "positive thinking" plan doesn't work!

Why February??  No reason really.  I hate it when I hear people picking their months they are getting pregnant when I know so many that would do anything to get pregnant ANY MONTH!

I am really just kidding about the whole thing.  But... I randomly picked it when a bunch of girls at work were talking about what month they WERE getting pregnant.  No ands, ifs or buts, that is when it was gonna happen for them.  I think they had practically marked the month on their calendar.  They were going off birth control and then boom -- they will be prego, per their grand master plan!  NO charts, no temps, no clomid, no nothing!  I'm sure they will all have baby bumps in no time too.

After rolling my eyes and thinking that I was going to attack the young newly married fertiles, I thought to myself... "Dang it (well, maybe it was a different phrase there), I'm picking a month too!!!!  If fertiles can do it, gosh darn it, I can too!!

And... my mom who was infertile for 7 years, got pregnant twice - both times in February!

5.  I haven't taken any official progress pics since the last time I posted, but here are a few pics from today.  I was heading off the the gym.  I am loving my training and trainer.  He pushes me and it not traditional at all. It's always interesting.  I'm beyond sad that he is moving to NY next month.  Boo.  He is awesome and has a great replacement all set up, but still.

He had me running last week, which was great.  He knows I've done two half marathons and that I'd love to be that in kind of shape again.  I was excited that I could do it and I've been able to do it on my own too!  I'm walking/jogging/running about a 15:30 minute mile!  Whoot!  I couldn't do that last year.

Mr. Trainer always has my phone in his pocket while we are training.  Today, he took pictures and a video without me even noticing.  The nerve!  He thought it was pretty funny... and it was kind of fun to see the pictures and the video... especially the super mean look I gave him when I figured out he was filming!

6. Speaking of working out... I've started taking a Latin Heat class at my gym.  It's pretty much fake Zu.mba and so fun.  But man, can I be uncoordinated!!  Hahahahaha!

7. I must admit, I've really loved this summer.  For the most part, summer 2011 has rocked.  We've been to a lake swimming, out to the dog park, out for walks, to a FARM and generally more active this summer.  I've been wearing shorts, which I haven't done for YEARS, so I'm not totally dying of heat all the time!  It's been awesome to see more of Doug since he's off for a bit.  I love coming home from work and him being at home.  Plus... there's Big Brother!!!!!  I know... I'm obsessed!

Happy 4th!

Two IFers in the house!

Poor Doug. There are now two IFers in the household.  Daisy was spayed yesterday.  She is taking her new status very well.  She is just demanding lots of snuggle time, which I always love.

I may not be handling my IF status quite so well these days.  I'm thinking the extra snuggle time will do us both good. ;)

What a difference a year makes!

Last year, I practically lived in these black linen pants.  They were fairly comfortable, but could be a little tight at times.  Here I am with Sew wearing them.  They were probably sticking to my legs -- it was SO HOT that day!!

Here I am a year later! Yay!

 Ignore the bad hair day - I had just gotten home from the gym. :)

Don't believe Beth!

Don't believe Beth...

I touched the goat on Farm Day with my WHOLE HAND!!! It might have taken a while, but I did it!

See... a whole hand!  Hahahaha!

Me and Nicole - we matched!

It really was a great day!  I can't wait to go next year!  It was so fun hanging out with Megan, Beth and Nicole and all the kiddos.  I love blogger meet-ups... even if it is on a farm!

I slept

Last night, for the first time in a really long time... I slept.

I snuggled up in bed with my Star Wars sheets and my Spider Man blanket and my Star Wars/Spider Man lovin' husband and slept.

Peacefully.

No sleeping pills.

No bad dreams.

No anxiety.

No dwelling on all my fears.

No waking up at 2am.

I just slept.  And it was wonderful.

Thank you for all the prayers.  I'm pretty convinced they are working.

Fears

I'm afraid I'll never have a child.  This terrifies me to no end.
I'm afraid no one will call me mommy.
I'm afraid I'll never be able to see Doug be an awesome dad.
I'm afraid we will never get to use any of our names that we talk about all the time.
I'm afraid my parents will never get to hold my baby.
I'm afraid that I'll always have hope and every month I'll be disappointed and sad and scared.
I'm afraid that we will not be able to afford treatment and surgeries and adoptions.
I'm afraid I will get pregnant and lose blogging friends.
I'm afraid we would not pass a home study due to our ages and finances.
I'm afraid a birth mother would never choose us.
I'm afraid I will not be a good mother if we do get pregnant or chosen.
I'm afraid about my mom's health, my dad's health and Doug's health.
I'm afraid to get rid of the fat clothes.
I'm afraid I'll regain the weight.
I'm afraid I'll always feel jealous of others and never feel good enough.
I'm afraid my fears are getting the best of me.

Obviously, I have been so fearful lately.  The more I think, the more I fear.  This list could go on and on.  I haven't been sleeping well. I lay down and my mind does not shut off, despite being exhausted.  I lay there and think about everything in life and somehow expect to fall asleep.  It is not working.  I have been having odd dreams about my fears, making the little sleep I'm am getting very restless.  I wake up exhausted and it all starts over again.

I am trying to pray.  I am trying to trust.  I am trying to not worry about everything - about the worse case scenario.  I seem to not be able to get all the fears out of my mind.  No big panic attack moments, just a continued state of fearing the unknown and future.

I keep praying this prayer... several times a day.  It came from this blog and I love it.  There was a picture on the post and I put it on my iPhone as my wallpaper.  I thought it might remind me each and every time I turn my phone on (which is often) that Mary is there for me and I do not need to be anxious or worry.  I need to remember that God is in control and there is no reason for me to questions God's plan for me - even for even a brief minute.  If I am having an anxious moment, I try to glance at it. Thanks again My Heart Exults for posting it.  Side note: I emailed my mom the picture and prayer.  She printed it and took it with her to surgery.  She prayed it and it did calm her down.  It's that powerful.  I hope it can give me some peace.

Mother of Tranquility and Mother of Hope, look upon me in this time of my weakness and unrest. Teach my searching heart to know that God's love for me unchangeable; and that true human love can only begin and grow by touching His love. Let your gentle peace which this world cannot give be always with me. And help me to bring this same peace into the lives of others. Our Lady of Mental Peace, pray for me.

Mary on my iPhone.