I admit it. I was being a little over dramatic about my not so great hair cut. It's fine. It will do. I might go back to a lighter color next month, as I'm pretty sure God intended for me to be a blonde... even if my roots took a different turn once I entered my 30's. I've never been one to get so upset over hair -- it grows back after all! So, why did it send me into an all-out hysterical breakdown on the bathroom floor?
Lately, I have not been feeling like myself. I gained weight after the wedding and it has left my head spinning. I've struggled with my weight all my life, but this time it seems different. It feels overwhelming. It feels claustrophobic and unbearable. Like I cannot escape it or outsmart it this time. I hate that feeling. So, I've been eating super healthy and exercising and the weight hasn't budged. AT. ALL.
This has left me feeling horrible and not wanting to be very social. I agonize over what to wear and really have to give myself a pep-talk before going out. Literally, a 'YOU CAN DO THIS!' to myself. This is not like me. I like being around people (I know... Beth, you can laugh out loud now) and I love being social. Lately, I just want to stay home with Doug and sit on the couch with my snuggie. (Side note: I LOVE my snuggie... I have two of them!)
I thought a quick change would do some good. I would spice it up a bit and leave the salon feeling like a new woman. Problem was, it didn't work. Instead, I felt worse. I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself at all. I drove home crying and then landed on the bathroom floor. I'm admit to being a drama queen, but not a cryer. Doug found me there with dark short hair and puffy eyes. Poor thing. It was a no-win situation. He did great, made me smile and gave me some much needed hugs.
I really didn't realize I was in such a funk until I was on that floor. It might have been helpful if I would have figured this all out before the new hair color... but, oh well. There is no going back now. I pretty much cried off and on all weekend (again, poor Doug) and now I'm left to figure out what to do next. I can't stay at home all the time and I cannot go back to crying on the floor. I've gotten use to my hair and now it's time to get back to recognizing myself. I don't want to cringe when I look in the mirror. I don't want to dread being around people and dread events. I want to feel like myself ... like the girl who boxed and has run mini-marathons ... like the girl that loves to hang with friends at the drop of a hat ... like the girl that is confident when working a crowd. I know she's in there somewhere and I want her back.
22 comments:
I'm sorry you're down. Hope you get to feeling more like yourself soon!
Sorry you've been feeling so down and off lately. Infertility (or even suspecting you'll be officially dealing with infertility soon) is stressful and makes you feel less like yourself. It sounds like you needed a good cry, and the hair was just the straw that broke the camel's back. We've all been there and cried over something minor or had a fight with our DH over something stupid. I'll be praying for you.
Ok maybe we DO need a road trip!!!
LOVE YOU!! And I think you look super cute!!
Oh, here's a BIG hug! The stress of life and carrying our crosses can definitely come to a breaking point sometimes. You can and will lift yourself up and continue one. Mini-marathons, huh? That's pretty impressive!!!
So, check this out. I think her hair looks fabbo. Come see my pic on facebook ;)
I understand and know how the weight issue can make everything else spiral down - especially when you are eating well and you just can't get to where you want to be. It is so frustrating, but I think it would take a lot more than bad hair (and Beth says it looks fabbo . .. I don't do FB) to take away from how lovely you are.
And yes, you DO need a road trip. I have a couple of suggestions :)
I suggest you ALL come to Memphis!
And Jenny, it pains me so much to hear you talk about the weight not budging. I KNOW!!!!!
Pcos is a thief. It robs you of so many things that we never even think about. Self esteem being a huge one.
Crap, it's late and I'm trying to remember if you even have pcos...I might be thinking of Ann. Shouldn't we just automatically introduce ourselves with ournames and what our problem is? Hi, my name is Brenda and I have PCOS and IR. Nice to meet you.
It's okay to have those anti-social days. Don't go too long though:) Beth and Doug will drag you out of the house!
I would probably never leave the house if Maggie wasn't so persistent:)
Brenda - I'm pushing HARD for Memphis!!! (although me threatening to crash the party might be working against me)
Ha. I think you're right and both Jenny & I have PCOS. You are right, it does rob you. Just your energy level (or lack thereof) alone is killer.
Aw, I am so sorry. :(
Yep, we have all been on that bathroom floor at one time or another....
I can't believe you could ever look less than super cute! Prayers and hugs to you, sweetie!
Thanks ladies... I think MEMPHIS is a great idea!!!!! ROAD TRIP!!! ROAD TRIP!!!
And... I like the hair now... not really the color, but it's not a big deal. I've had my hair short like this before, so I'm use to that! Like Mrs. Blondies said... It was the straw that broke it all!
And for Brenda... My name is Jenny and I have PCOS and a broken thyroid! HA! If you get a snuggie Brenda.... you will really never want to leave the house. :) Just as Beth... Ken loves her hot pink one!
OMGOSH!!!!!! Please come!!!!!!!!!
Jenny you are beautiful inside and out! You are gonna get it figured out. Anyway, don't even try to loose weight with your TSH so high, it aint gonna work.
I went on a juice fast for 3 days and I didn't loose a pound when my tsh was high. JUICE! Crazy! So don't you worry about that.....
Now get yer ass' down here! ;)
Ann you are so INVITED!!!!!! We would have so much fun!!!!!!!!
I'm up for it. Might need help with gas money. :)
We'd split gas money Beth!! Memphis here we come! I'll bring my label maker!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Okay lets make a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It takes 3 tanks to get here! ;)
Y'all let me know. I can stay in a hotel and feed the ducks. I don't have anything as cool as a label maker to bring to the party, but I'll come up with something.
Oh, my you guys...be still my heart...you are all going to be in Memphis together. You better take some pictures of that event, I am sure it will be full of lots of fun and hilarity! Jenny - thank you for this great post, it is so beautiful, heart felt and full of so much honesty - you are such an amazing person and I wish I knew you in person. God Bless and have a great weekend!
Ann you are not staying in a hotel.....I will make room for everyone!!!! I will feed ya'll the best BBQ you've ever had!
We can take M and JP to see the ducks at the Peabody! SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!! B we can make them matching outfits! hahahaha And we can try to get M to be the duck master....You have to let me know so I can figure out how to arrange that!!!
Ummmm.... No one mentioned anything about being around animals...
Ducks, Jenny? Seriously? You and the aversion to animals is killing me!
You won't have to get close to the mean ol ducks. I'll protect you.
Jenny you have to see the peabody ducks! It is so much fun! I rejected it too....Dh wanted to propose to me there but I forced him to propose to me in the car at the aiport! ;)
Ok, Ok... I'll go look at the ducks! There was a girl at my work last week who was attacked by some ducks, fell and got a concussion!! I'm not even kidding. I'm pretty accident prone... this could totally happen to me!
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