Bad News

Today started out great.  It was going to be a short day at work (love!), Daisy was getting groomed (she needed it!) and Doug and I were heading to see our FCP to go over our Creighton charting.  Go Tuesday, go!

Our FCP is really great.  She is SO knowledgeable and has been teaching for years.  She went thought infertility years and years ago, so she is very understanding of all that we are facing.  I am really glad we ended up with her.

The session was going along great.  "Do you wipe front to back?" Yes! "Use folder toilet paper?" Yes!  "Do you always do your observations?" Yes! "Any questions?"  Nope - Let's look at my dang chart!!!!

Then we looked at my chart... and my mood went downhill and fast.  For my first month charting this method, I did ok.  I didn't exactly get my peek day right.  I was confused on a few observations.  So we changed a few things around... added a few white baby stickers to the chart, etc., etc.

My seemingly good looking chart looked horrible.  Mucus pattern was ok.  But the overall chart - horrible.  So much for having some hope for this month.  SHE WASN'T EVEN SURE I OVULATED!!!!!!  Say what??!!!  That's the one thing I thought I actually might have done this cycle!!  Ovulate!

When she said that... I could NOT hold back the tears.  I started sobbing.  Literally sobbing over my little white and green baby stamps.

{And really... baby stamps!  Who thought baby stamps were a good idea for an infertile to use??!!}

I told her about my follies... and she said she cannot be sure, since it is my first month charting... but my mucus pattern *might* indicate there was not any ovulation.  Those great looking follies could have turned into LUFs.  Obviously, she cannot say for certain.  I *could* have ovulated just fine and just have a little too many days of mucus and lubrication... after dry days and such.  Maybe I didn't do the observations exactly right.  It's hard the first month to know exactly what you are seeing.  I even had the Creighton picture dictionary out this month and I still had some trouble. If I could have carried that thing into my work restroom, I would have!

But dang... I am crushed.  Crushed.  Big time.  She knew it.  She offered me a tissue.  She said that I needed to get the tears out... to cry away.  She understood and was fine with the crazy sobbing infertile in her office.

We see her again in two weeks.  She is going to email me a bunch of articles on PCOS and such.  She gave me tons of infertility handouts.  I've read them all before, but I took them to re-read.  She told me when I should make an appointment with a local Napro doctor.  We need some more charting, so not yet, but it's coming.

We left the appointment and got in the elevator.  My eyes were red and I had mascara all over my face.  Doug looked at me and smiled and said, "Well, won't she be surprised with your BFP that is coming this weekend!"  I love my optimistic husband.  I started crying all over again.

So, now I just want this cycle over with so we can start a new one.  Have I totally lost hope?  No.  But for now, I'm just crushed.  I feel tired.  I feel defeated.  I'm not going to even try to act otherwise.  No sugar coating here.  It is what is it.