My Constant Battle

Welcome to my head.  I think it currently belongs in a little padded room, because I am going crazy.

So much for my calm post I wrote at the beginning of my 2WW.  All that is out the window.  Well, not all of it... I'm trying, really, I am.  But man, this is a killer!

I have a constant battle going on in my head.

In Corner #1: HOPEFUL ME - full of happy baby thoughts!
In Corner #2: PESSIMISTIC ME - full of "This will never happen!" thoughts!

Battle rules:  There are none.  It's just a constant back and forth.  There are about 60 rounds per hour... and the event takes place 24 hours a day.  It's like a boxing match.

Here is some of the action from earlier today!

HOPEFUL ME:
This weekend I was exhausted.  I feel asleep twice on the couch, which I never do.  I was in a dead sleep.  So sleepy, that when Daisy tossed a dog toy on me to get me to wake up and play, I didn't even flinch.  Hmmm... could I be so tired because I'm growing a human?

PESSIMISTIC ME:
I wouldn't be so sleepy if my adorable dog slept in later than 4:30am on a Saturday.  If I could have just slept a little longer, I wouldn't be tired at all!  No human growing going on here!

HOPEFUL ME:
My temperature went up this morning!  It never is that high.  That must mean something. {Yes, I still take my temperature, even thought I'm charting Creighton.  I cannot stop! I know... bad, bad me.  Sorry!}


PESSIMISTIC ME:
It must be the flannel sheets.

HOPEFUL ME:
God has heard my cries.  He will answer all of my prayers.

PESSIMISTIC ME:
He is pretty busy these days.  You know... there is world hunger, civil wars and that dang man named O.bam.a!

HOPEFUL ME:
What is up with my on-again, off-again cramps/right pelvic discomfort.  Could a baby be implanting??

PESSIMISTIC ME:
It's just normal cramps.  AF will arrive any day now. The endo is already back and my right ovary is acting up again!  Great!  Just great!

HOPEFUL ME:
That food makes me want to puke.  I cannot even stand to look at it. Morning sickness already?

PESSIMISTIC ME:
It's just my cooking. {Sadly, this is probably be the case, even for those not TTC.  Ha!}

HOPEFUL ME:
My chart doesn't look too bad.  Lots of good timing or 'cooking' as some might call it, with some ok mucus.  I'm so glad I got to put 'Sew's baby making apron' to good use!

PESSIMISTIC ME:
My mucus was not that great at all this month.  Poor little swimmers didn't stand a chance.

HOPEFUL ME:
My stomach feels funny.  Must be all those cells dividing!

PESSIMISTIC ME:
Man, I must have gas.

HOPEFUL ME:
Three follies!!!!!  All big and ready to go!  Plus HCG!!!  Way to finally ovulate!!!!!

PESSIMISTIC ME:
Back to the mucus... egg might be ready... but no sperm could get there!  And what if those follies were too big and were duds??!!  This is typically followed by a mad session of dr. google.


Welcome to my world.  I know we've all been there.  Thank goodness it is only a 2WW and not a 3WW or I think I'd have to be admitted to the loony bin!  It's a constant battle in my head... ALL FREAKING DAY LONG!

I really do hope HOPEFUL ME wins this round.  However, it is so hard.  I've never had a cycle turn out the way I want.  I've never 'been late'.  I've never had implantation spotting.  I've never not had pre-menstrual cramps that were really something other than just that, pre-menstrual cramps.  So, as hopeful as I want to be, it is hard when I don't have anything to go on except what I know -- and what I know is no baby.

However... the tricky and frustrating thing with hope is... it lingers, it is a real fighter.  It stays around, even when it looks like it should get the heck out of dodge!

When PESSIMISTIC ME is winning... HOPEFUL ME comes back for a few more punches.  Hope will be there... even if it is just a tiny tiny tiny bit.  It is the winner for a while... then retreats... then comes back... then retreats... then comes back... you get the idea.

So, the battle continues.  Who will win is any ones guess. I'm not sure who will win this battle!  But it will be decided in approximately 6 days or less with a BFP or CD1.

Where is that padded room!!??