I will do that when...

It seems as if I have been waiting my whole life.

Always waiting for the next thing or stage in my life to come along.


I use to say...

"I'll do XY and Z when... I lose weight."

"I'll buy nice furniture when...I buy a house."

"I'll buy a house when... I get married."

And so on and so on.


I now find myself saying...

"We will do that ... after the baby."

"We will buy that... after the baby."

"We will save that... for the baby."

And so on and so on.


During previous periods of waiting in my life, it was really hard to just not put my life on hold. Especially when I was waiting for Doug. At that time, I did put certain 'big' things on hold. I could have bought furniture and a house, but didn't. I wanted to do those things with my husband. I felt that if I did any of those things... I was accepting defeat. That my dream of buying a house with my future husband would never happen.

While I might have put big things on hold while waiting for Doug, I did the exact opposite with everything small. There was no sitting around and waiting for him. I filled my life with so much. Almost too much! I visited friends. I joined clubs. I volunteered at church. My scheduled was so booked I almost didn't have time to meet Doug. I literally finished running a conference and rushed across town to meet Doug. I hardly could fit him into my schedule that day.

While I was so busy, my heart was always yearning for my husband. I prayed for him. I 'missed' him. I wanted him in my life. Being busy did not take that sadness away. It did not make my desire for a husband any less real. I had down moments -- lots of them. The busy did not 'fill the void' I felt... but it made the journey a little easier along the way.

Lately, it seems as if history is repeating itself.

This time, I'm just waiting with someone. We both pray for our baby. We want our child in our life. The waiting feels the same as before, but totally different at the same time.

I still find myself wanting to put certain aspects of our lives on hold for now. Nothing huge like a house or anything... but small stuff. We had a photo session left over from our wedding package. I had been saving it for maternity photos. But after two years of not using it, it seemed like we better use it before we lost the opportunity. So we had beautiful fall pictures taken (see blog header... and I'll post some in a separate post later!). I was happy we did it... but at the same time, it was hard that the session was not being used for what I had intended it all along. But I have grown a little bit with all this waiting... and I knew that some things aren't really a defeat, but just a variation of what I had in mind. I cannot put life on hold... that only makes it worse!

Other times, I want to fill my/our lives with so much that the waiting won't seem so long and empty. It worked last time, right? Not really. I know that no amount of busy will take the longing in my heart away. Nope, won't happen. While I cannot put my entire life on hold, filling it to the brim won't be any better. There has to be a happy medium.

And this time... I simply do not want to be insanely busy. I don't want to fill my life with volunteering and clubs. I go from wanting to learn to wait calmly (brief, brief moments) to the complete opposite extreme of just wanting to get to the next step already and skip the waiting all together! Heck, I wanted to be at the next step two years ago. Being patient has never been one of my strong points.

I need to constantly remind myself that the last time I was in "the big husband wait"... it was all worth it. It didn't seem like it at the time, but the waiting was needed. I know that now. If I would have rushed things or done anything differently, I would not have been in the exact right place to meet the love of my life. God had that planned all along. His plan was for me to meet Doug. His plan was much better than anything I had imagined. I just wanted his plan to show up YEARS before it did. Would I trade the journey for anything in the world?? Nope. I'm glad it happened just as it did.

I have to believe (even though it's hard some days) that it will be the same way for the baby. God has it all planned out, much better than I can imagine, I'm sure. He knows the exact moment that Doug and I will have a baby. He knows what struggles we will have to endure and what he have endured to meet our little one. He knows our deepest desires to become parents.

So today and in the upcoming months, I pray that someday Doug and I can look back at all of this and say that it was all worth it. That while it didn't seem like it at the time, the waiting was needed. That if we would have rushed things or done anything differently, we would not be at the exact place to meet the love of our lives - our child. That we wouldn't have it any other way. That we wouldn't trade the journey for anything in the world. That we are glad it happened just as it did.

After all, last time there was a pretty awesome outcome for all that waiting. I pray that there is another awesome outcome for "the great baby wait" as well. :)