The Weight Issue

It's no secret I've had a lifetime issue with my weight and body image.  I've been super heavy, "normal" and everywhere in between.  I've spent the majority of my life trying to lose weight.  It's the norm for me.  I've rarely not been on a diet or at least thinking/knowing I need to be.

I spent the the last year and a half losing weight as part of my 'plan' to be able to conceive.  I was very successful at it.  I lost over 100lbs.  I felt and dare I say looked pretty good.  But I still had issues.  I was constantly comparing myself to others who were on the same weight loss journey.  I didn't lose exactly like them.  I didn't lose as much.  I didn't lose as fast.  At times I considered myself a failure, even when my weight was falling just like it was suppose to and I was working out at the gym like a champ.

Now I'm pregnant. Praise the Lord!  Have the weight/body image issues gone away?  Nope.  To be clear, I'm not complaining.  I have loved loved loved being pregnant.  It's been such a blessing.  But that does not make it all easy.

The weight gain has mentally been one of the hardest parts of pregnancy.  I don't mind gaining the needed weight.  I would gain a zillion pounds if it meant bringing this precious little boy into the world.  But it's been hard.

It has been a hard shift in my thought process.  When you've spent almost every year since 3rd grade (when the chubbiness began) feeling fat and knowing the gaining weight is "BAD," suddenly being ok with gaining weight is not the easiest mind shift.  I have mostly been ok with it... but watching that number go up and up and up again has caused a lot of anxiety.

It all started about week 22...

I was feeling great, had a tiny tiny baby bump.  I still didn't look too pregnant, which to be honest, did bother me.  I wanted to look pregnant - not just heavy like I had my whole life.  I didn't want people to think I was just gaining my weight back, which is kind of what it looked like then.

At the same time, I had my 18 month post-weight loss surgery follow-up.  The dietitians said I was doing great.  I had been in touch with them a lot about making sure I was getting all the nutrients and vitamins I was needing.  They were thrilled with my weight gain, as weird as that sounds!

After my meeting with the supportive dietitian, I headed to see the doctor.  My surgeon also knew I was pregnant and had been supportive of all our TTC efforts.  But I didn't see her that day.  I saw the Physician Assistant instead.

It. Was. Horrible.

She came in (without reviewing my chart apparently) and the conversation went something like this:


"You've gained weight.  We have a serious problem."

"I'm pregnant."

"Was this planned?" (Insert judgmental tone here)

"Yes, we had been trying for several years."

"You mean you meant to get pregnant before you met your weight loss goals?"

"Yep, sure did.  I consider myself very blessed to have conceived this baby boy."

"Hmmm... well, I hope it comes off again after you have the baby."


I was crushed.  I was caught between wanting to smack her and crying.  I just shook my head and ran out the door.

Ever since then, I haven't known how to really deal with the weight gain.  My OB is not in the least concerned.  I'm right on track.  But I was and still am in some ways, all of the sudden, afraid the weight will not come off after baby boy is born.  Man, that PA lady messed with my mind!

I have tried to keep an open mind.  Knowing that while I will have to get back on the weight loss bandwagon once again after I give birth, I am starting from a healthier place to begin with.  I am trying to focus on the fact that a lot of this weight is mostly belly and baby and it's very different than when I would normally gain 30 + pounds.  To be truthful, it really is.  This weight gain is different.  I don't look the same I did at the same weight before.  I'm still in smaller clothes.  My face looks different.  I feel different - better than I did when I was still over 70lbs heavier than I am now.

I just constantly have to remind myself of that over and over and over.  Doug has to constantly remind me over and over and over.

So that is where I'm at.  It's not the aches and pains that have been the hard part of pregnancy, but this.  I will just have to try and try again to win this weight mind game.  It is not easy and I know it will be with me my entire life.   It will be... but hopefully the weight will not be.  But in the end, I must remember how far I've come and be proud of that!

Looking at this puts it back into prospective.  Me and Sew (pregnant with Hannah!) before my surgery in 2010.  I was at my heaviest - ever.   Then me and Daisy at 38 weeks this past Sunday.  Yep, this is something I can be proud of.  ;O)