I left work early today. I just could not stay there any longer. I was having a day that consisted of:
Work. Work. Work. Big Fat Ugly Tears. More Tears. Work. Work. Re-applying make-up. More Tears. Mascara smeared all over my face. More Tears. Finally deciding to call it a day. Drive. Drive. More Tears.
They pretty much have not stopped.
I knew the mini-breakdown was on its way. It has been brewing for awhile. Last weekend Doug and I attended a 5 hour baby shower. I did not want to go. I was cramping, had horrible endo pain and I was not in a baby shower mood. I had a little hissy fit pre-shower and I did not want to get out of the dang car. Eventually, Doug pulled me out of the car and the shower was fine. Hanging out with my friends was great. Baby talk dominated the conversation, so I smiled during all the baby and breast feeding talk. I smiled while they all talked about their birth and pregnancy stories. I oohed and ahhhed while all the gifts were opened (they were pretty dang cute). Thank goodness it was a couples shower and Doug was there. I do not think I would have made it through the night without him (and without texting Sew!).
After the party, I was just numb. I was happy for the couple, yet crumbling inside. But like always, I bounced back and kept going.
Then today, there was a big pregnancy announcement. I knew it was coming. I actually thought it would have come a few months ago. She is the sweetest person ever and she and her DH and their toddler deserve all the happiness in the world. Yet, I was devastated. I started crying at my desk at work and could not stop.
Luckily, I have a IRL IF friend at work. We are the only two who officially 'know' about each others non-functioning reproductive system at the workplace. And at that workplace, we need each other. I swear there is a baby boom at that office and we are both in the middle of it. It is all our friends doing the booming. She saw me in the bathroom cleaning my smeared mascara and she instantly knew why I was crying. She patted my back and eased the pain.
I hate how good news makes me break down. I feel horrible about it. It is such a hard feeling to digest - feeling genuinely happy for someone, yet heartbroken at the same time. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. How do I reconcile that? I honestly do not know.
So for now, my goal will be to wake up tomorrow, go to work and not cry at my desk. Hopefully I will be bounce back quickly. But for right now, I think the night will consist of some big fat ugly tears, some snuggling with my puppy, some praying, some more tears, more snuggling with my pup... and some Big Brother TV watching. I'm thinking that will make these Big Fat Ugly Tears go away, at least for today.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Friday, August 26, 2011
I need to remember...
On the bad days and even the good days, I need to remember:
It is true and I often forget this simple fact.
Side note: This especially applies today, as I'm still pretty distraught that Jeff, one of my all-time favorite players, got evicted from the Big Brother house. So sad. I must keep the faith. Because ... It will be ok. It will be ok. It will be ok. :)
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
I've gone off the deep end.
Someone must stop me. I'd like to blame this behavior on IF, but I'm pretty sure I'd be doing this if IF wasn't an issue at all! Ha!
Daisy turned the big six months on Monday. We had a 'tiny' celebration for her... a trip to the Dog Bakery, a personalized treat and party hats! You can't do much around this house without party hats! I'm not sure what we will do when she turns one, but watch for formal party invitations in the mail. And yes, I know... I'm losing it!!
Here's a little bit of Daisy's big day! First up was a trip to the party store. I had NO IDEA they would have so much for puppy parties! Man, I could have gone crazy. Y'all would be so proud of me... I only bought party hats!
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| They had a puppy sound track! Hahahahaha! |
Next stop... the Dog Bakery. Daisy LOVES this place. What pooch wouldn't?! An entire store dedicated to good, all natural, wholesome, homemade puppy treats and products. I must say, I love going there too. We purchased a pretty sweet celebration bone for her. Don't worry, that's not chocolate. It's carob - totally safe for any dog! She will be working on this bone for a long time!
Then, it was back home for the celebration! I personally think she looks pretty darn cute in her little hat! She will do anything for a treat.
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| "Ummm... why do I have to wear this silly hat to get a treat!??" |
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| Being a good sport and posing for picture after picture after picture. |
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| "Can I pleeeeeease have my treat now???" |
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| YUMMO! |
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| Happy girl! |
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Thing I've learned this week...
1. I still have my endo pain. Ouch! Not sure why it surprises me each month.
2. We are not classy people. This picture demonstrates this recent discovery.
3. I dress up when I go to the fertility doctor. I don't always mean to, but it always happens. I go tomorrow and I planned my outfit... a cute skirt and top. I'm thinking the cute skirt will help with my baby making plans. Maybe not with Dr. G, but at least with Doug. Hehe.
4. Summer feet are gross. What do I do about cracked heels?? I've tried lotions, creams and it's not working! Help!
5. If your classy puppy eats a ginormous amount of sticks, rocks and grass... you will get to know your veterinarian, very, very well.
He called our house and instead of saying, this is your vet, Dr. Craig Last Name.... he said, "Hi Jenny, it's Craig." Yep, we are on a first name basis. The other times he called, he didn't even say his name. That's how much we have chatted with him over the past few days. Yep, he's great.
6. There is a reason why I did not become a veterinarian... extracting a poop sample from a puppy that would not give one voluntarily is one of them.
7. The house is really, really quiet when Daisy has to stay overnight at the veterinarian hospital due to her eating all the sticks, rocks and grass. Sooooo quiet. What did we do before we had the pup?? We sure missed the little one.
8. I get a little cranky when the temperature goes over 100 degrees. I also get a little cranky when the temperature is below 100 degrees. Hmmm....
9. I'm lazy. I've known this before this week, but I'm embracing it this week. If I could sleep all day, I think I would... especially when it is over 100 degrees and humid outside.
10. I can't keep flowers alive. My prized flowers I planted are now nearing the end of their short life. I think it's due to the over 100 degree weather. See why the weather makes me cranky?
11. When your puppy eats sticks, rocks and grass, her 'output' will be something to talk about. Even the vet was impressed with what came out. We are talking full sticks here people. When did she eat that??!! Ahhhhhhh!
12. I've never talked so much or been so excited about puppy poo in my life. Thank goodness there was no need for surgery. Yay for poo! Oh, come on... I know some of you mom's have said the same thing, just not about puppy poo!!! :)
13. I'm still obsessed with Big. Brot.her. I'm even more obsessed with Big Brother than puppy poo! With all that has happened this week... that's saying a lot!
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| Nice look Daisy and Smokey. Classy. Not. |
4. Summer feet are gross. What do I do about cracked heels?? I've tried lotions, creams and it's not working! Help!
5. If your classy puppy eats a ginormous amount of sticks, rocks and grass... you will get to know your veterinarian, very, very well.
He called our house and instead of saying, this is your vet, Dr. Craig Last Name.... he said, "Hi Jenny, it's Craig." Yep, we are on a first name basis. The other times he called, he didn't even say his name. That's how much we have chatted with him over the past few days. Yep, he's great.
6. There is a reason why I did not become a veterinarian... extracting a poop sample from a puppy that would not give one voluntarily is one of them.
7. The house is really, really quiet when Daisy has to stay overnight at the veterinarian hospital due to her eating all the sticks, rocks and grass. Sooooo quiet. What did we do before we had the pup?? We sure missed the little one.
8. I get a little cranky when the temperature goes over 100 degrees. I also get a little cranky when the temperature is below 100 degrees. Hmmm....
9. I'm lazy. I've known this before this week, but I'm embracing it this week. If I could sleep all day, I think I would... especially when it is over 100 degrees and humid outside.
10. I can't keep flowers alive. My prized flowers I planted are now nearing the end of their short life. I think it's due to the over 100 degree weather. See why the weather makes me cranky?
11. When your puppy eats sticks, rocks and grass, her 'output' will be something to talk about. Even the vet was impressed with what came out. We are talking full sticks here people. When did she eat that??!! Ahhhhhhh!
12. I've never talked so much or been so excited about puppy poo in my life. Thank goodness there was no need for surgery. Yay for poo! Oh, come on... I know some of you mom's have said the same thing, just not about puppy poo!!! :)
13. I'm still obsessed with Big. Brot.her. I'm even more obsessed with Big Brother than puppy poo! With all that has happened this week... that's saying a lot!
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| If she only really thought this, we'd be set! |
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Quick Takes!
1. It's Big Brother Time! Oh yea!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this totally idiotic show. LOVE IT! It's my favorite thing about summer. I hate to admit that I even subscribed to the live feed one summer... many many years ago. I was single, no cable... and I watched it all the time!! Hmmm... maybe that was why I was single??
I'm hoping to convert Doug to a BB lover by the end of the summer. It didn't happen last year... but he's watching and smiling at the TV while I type this. THERE IS HOPE!
2. My little pup is HUGE! Daisy is growing up way. too. fast. She is now almost 5 1/2 months old and over 40lbs! She is still the life of the party around our house. She fills our days with laughter and joy and I cannot image our house without her now.
3. We had our house blessed a few weeks ago by our good friend Fr. Mark. It was the most hysterical event ever. It was so typical of something that would happen to Doug and I... and Fr. Mark for that matter. First, he brought a Spanish house blessing book. So, he had to translate all the prayers and blessing. Then, the Holy Water would not come out of his Holy Water sprinkler thing. (I'm sure there's an official name for that). We restarted the blessing three times before any water would come out. We ran out half way through and had to go through the whole 'no water coming out of the sprinkler' thing again. But, in the end, it was done! House blessed! Whoot! He did say it wouldn't hurt to have another priest sprinkle some water when they were over next time. Hahahahaha.
4. I've decided I'm getting pregnant in February! Yep, February ladies! If fertiles can pick a month to get pregnant, then I can too!!! It works for them, so I'm going to try it too!! Granted, I really want a BFP before that, but I'm setting my sights out a bit, just to ease the cushion in case my grand "positive thinking" plan doesn't work!
Why February?? No reason really. I hate it when I hear people picking their months they are getting pregnant when I know so many that would do anything to get pregnant ANY MONTH!
I am really just kidding about the whole thing. But... I randomly picked it when a bunch of girls at work were talking about what month they WERE getting pregnant. No ands, ifs or buts, that is when it was gonna happen for them. I think they had practically marked the month on their calendar. They were going off birth control and then boom -- they will be prego, per their grand master plan! NO charts, no temps, no clomid, no nothing! I'm sure they will all have baby bumps in no time too.
After rolling my eyes and thinking that I was going to attack the young newly married fertiles, I thought to myself... "Dang it (well, maybe it was a different phrase there), I'm picking a month too!!!! If fertiles can do it, gosh darn it, I can too!!
And... my mom who was infertile for 7 years, got pregnant twice - both times in February!
5. I haven't taken any official progress pics since the last time I posted, but here are a few pics from today. I was heading off the the gym. I am loving my training and trainer. He pushes me and it not traditional at all. It's always interesting. I'm beyond sad that he is moving to NY next month. Boo. He is awesome and has a great replacement all set up, but still.
He had me running last week, which was great. He knows I've done two half marathons and that I'd love to be that in kind of shape again. I was excited that I could do it and I've been able to do it on my own too! I'm walking/jogging/running about a 15:30 minute mile! Whoot! I couldn't do that last year.
Mr. Trainer always has my phone in his pocket while we are training. Today, he took pictures and a video without me even noticing. The nerve! He thought it was pretty funny... and it was kind of fun to see the pictures and the video... especially the super mean look I gave him when I figured out he was filming!
6. Speaking of working out... I've started taking a Latin Heat class at my gym. It's pretty much fake Zu.mba and so fun. But man, can I be uncoordinated!! Hahahahaha!
7. I must admit, I've really loved this summer. For the most part, summer 2011 has rocked. We've been to a lake swimming, out to the dog park, out for walks, to a FARM and generally more active this summer. I've been wearing shorts, which I haven't done for YEARS, so I'm not totally dying of heat all the time! It's been awesome to see more of Doug since he's off for a bit. I love coming home from work and him being at home. Plus... there's Big Brother!!!!! I know... I'm obsessed!
I'm hoping to convert Doug to a BB lover by the end of the summer. It didn't happen last year... but he's watching and smiling at the TV while I type this. THERE IS HOPE!
2. My little pup is HUGE! Daisy is growing up way. too. fast. She is now almost 5 1/2 months old and over 40lbs! She is still the life of the party around our house. She fills our days with laughter and joy and I cannot image our house without her now.
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| So big... and cute! |
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| Spoiled puppy. |
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| Daisy loves the men in black. |
Why February?? No reason really. I hate it when I hear people picking their months they are getting pregnant when I know so many that would do anything to get pregnant ANY MONTH!
I am really just kidding about the whole thing. But... I randomly picked it when a bunch of girls at work were talking about what month they WERE getting pregnant. No ands, ifs or buts, that is when it was gonna happen for them. I think they had practically marked the month on their calendar. They were going off birth control and then boom -- they will be prego, per their grand master plan! NO charts, no temps, no clomid, no nothing! I'm sure they will all have baby bumps in no time too.
After rolling my eyes and thinking that I was going to attack the young newly married fertiles, I thought to myself... "Dang it (well, maybe it was a different phrase there), I'm picking a month too!!!! If fertiles can do it, gosh darn it, I can too!!
And... my mom who was infertile for 7 years, got pregnant twice - both times in February!
5. I haven't taken any official progress pics since the last time I posted, but here are a few pics from today. I was heading off the the gym. I am loving my training and trainer. He pushes me and it not traditional at all. It's always interesting. I'm beyond sad that he is moving to NY next month. Boo. He is awesome and has a great replacement all set up, but still.
Mr. Trainer always has my phone in his pocket while we are training. Today, he took pictures and a video without me even noticing. The nerve! He thought it was pretty funny... and it was kind of fun to see the pictures and the video... especially the super mean look I gave him when I figured out he was filming!
7. I must admit, I've really loved this summer. For the most part, summer 2011 has rocked. We've been to a lake swimming, out to the dog park, out for walks, to a FARM and generally more active this summer. I've been wearing shorts, which I haven't done for YEARS, so I'm not totally dying of heat all the time! It's been awesome to see more of Doug since he's off for a bit. I love coming home from work and him being at home. Plus... there's Big Brother!!!!! I know... I'm obsessed!
Monday, July 4, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Two IFers in the house!
Poor Doug. There are now two IFers in the household. Daisy was spayed yesterday. She is taking her new status very well. She is just demanding lots of snuggle time, which I always love.
I may not be handling my IF status quite so well these days. I'm thinking the extra snuggle time will do us both good. ;)
I may not be handling my IF status quite so well these days. I'm thinking the extra snuggle time will do us both good. ;)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
What a difference a year makes!
Last year, I practically lived in these black linen pants. They were fairly comfortable, but could be a little tight at times. Here I am with Sew wearing them. They were probably sticking to my legs -- it was SO HOT that day!!
Here I am a year later! Yay!
Ignore the bad hair day - I had just gotten home from the gym. :)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Don't believe Beth!
Don't believe Beth...
I touched the goat on Farm Day with my WHOLE HAND!!! It might have taken a while, but I did it!
I touched the goat on Farm Day with my WHOLE HAND!!! It might have taken a while, but I did it!
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| See... a whole hand! Hahahaha! |
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| Me and Nicole - we matched! |
It really was a great day! I can't wait to go next year! It was so fun hanging out with Megan, Beth and Nicole and all the kiddos. I love blogger meet-ups... even if it is on a farm!
Monday, June 20, 2011
I slept
Last night, for the first time in a really long time... I slept.
I snuggled up in bed with my Star Wars sheets and my Spider Man blanket and my Star Wars/Spider Man lovin' husband and slept.
Peacefully.
No sleeping pills.
No bad dreams.
No anxiety.
No dwelling on all my fears.
No waking up at 2am.
I just slept. And it was wonderful.
Thank you for all the prayers. I'm pretty convinced they are working.
I snuggled up in bed with my Star Wars sheets and my Spider Man blanket and my Star Wars/Spider Man lovin' husband and slept.
Peacefully.
No sleeping pills.
No bad dreams.
No anxiety.
No dwelling on all my fears.
No waking up at 2am.
I just slept. And it was wonderful.
Thank you for all the prayers. I'm pretty convinced they are working.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Fears
I'm afraid I'll never have a child. This terrifies me to no end.
I'm afraid no one will call me mommy.
I'm afraid I'll never be able to see Doug be an awesome dad.
I'm afraid we will never get to use any of our names that we talk about all the time.
I'm afraid my parents will never get to hold my baby.
I'm afraid that I'll always have hope and every month I'll be disappointed and sad and scared.
I'm afraid that we will not be able to afford treatment and surgeries and adoptions.
I'm afraid I will get pregnant and lose blogging friends.
I'm afraid we would not pass a home study due to our ages and finances.
I'm afraid a birth mother would never choose us.
I'm afraid I will not be a good mother if we do get pregnant or chosen.
I'm afraid about my mom's health, my dad's health and Doug's health.
I'm afraid to get rid of the fat clothes.
I'm afraid I'll regain the weight.
I'm afraid I'll always feel jealous of others and never feel good enough.
I'm afraid my fears are getting the best of me.
Obviously, I have been so fearful lately. The more I think, the more I fear. This list could go on and on. I haven't been sleeping well. I lay down and my mind does not shut off, despite being exhausted. I lay there and think about everything in life and somehow expect to fall asleep. It is not working. I have been having odd dreams about my fears, making the little sleep I'm am getting very restless. I wake up exhausted and it all starts over again.
I am trying to pray. I am trying to trust. I am trying to not worry about everything - about the worse case scenario. I seem to not be able to get all the fears out of my mind. No big panic attack moments, just a continued state of fearing the unknown and future.
I keep praying this prayer... several times a day. It came from this blog and I love it. There was a picture on the post and I put it on my iPhone as my wallpaper. I thought it might remind me each and every time I turn my phone on (which is often) that Mary is there for me and I do not need to be anxious or worry. I need to remember that God is in control and there is no reason for me to questions God's plan for me - even for even a brief minute. If I am having an anxious moment, I try to glance at it. Thanks again My Heart Exults for posting it. Side note: I emailed my mom the picture and prayer. She printed it and took it with her to surgery. She prayed it and it did calm her down. It's that powerful. I hope it can give me some peace.
Mother of Tranquility and Mother of Hope, look upon me in this time of my weakness and unrest. Teach my searching heart to know that God's love for me unchangeable; and that true human love can only begin and grow by touching His love. Let your gentle peace which this world cannot give be always with me. And help me to bring this same peace into the lives of others. Our Lady of Mental Peace, pray for me.
I'm afraid no one will call me mommy.
I'm afraid I'll never be able to see Doug be an awesome dad.
I'm afraid we will never get to use any of our names that we talk about all the time.
I'm afraid my parents will never get to hold my baby.
I'm afraid that I'll always have hope and every month I'll be disappointed and sad and scared.
I'm afraid that we will not be able to afford treatment and surgeries and adoptions.
I'm afraid I will get pregnant and lose blogging friends.
I'm afraid we would not pass a home study due to our ages and finances.
I'm afraid a birth mother would never choose us.
I'm afraid I will not be a good mother if we do get pregnant or chosen.
I'm afraid about my mom's health, my dad's health and Doug's health.
I'm afraid to get rid of the fat clothes.
I'm afraid I'll regain the weight.
I'm afraid I'll always feel jealous of others and never feel good enough.
I'm afraid my fears are getting the best of me.
Obviously, I have been so fearful lately. The more I think, the more I fear. This list could go on and on. I haven't been sleeping well. I lay down and my mind does not shut off, despite being exhausted. I lay there and think about everything in life and somehow expect to fall asleep. It is not working. I have been having odd dreams about my fears, making the little sleep I'm am getting very restless. I wake up exhausted and it all starts over again.
I am trying to pray. I am trying to trust. I am trying to not worry about everything - about the worse case scenario. I seem to not be able to get all the fears out of my mind. No big panic attack moments, just a continued state of fearing the unknown and future.
I keep praying this prayer... several times a day. It came from this blog and I love it. There was a picture on the post and I put it on my iPhone as my wallpaper. I thought it might remind me each and every time I turn my phone on (which is often) that Mary is there for me and I do not need to be anxious or worry. I need to remember that God is in control and there is no reason for me to questions God's plan for me - even for even a brief minute. If I am having an anxious moment, I try to glance at it. Thanks again My Heart Exults for posting it. Side note: I emailed my mom the picture and prayer. She printed it and took it with her to surgery. She prayed it and it did calm her down. It's that powerful. I hope it can give me some peace.
Mother of Tranquility and Mother of Hope, look upon me in this time of my weakness and unrest. Teach my searching heart to know that God's love for me unchangeable; and that true human love can only begin and grow by touching His love. Let your gentle peace which this world cannot give be always with me. And help me to bring this same peace into the lives of others. Our Lady of Mental Peace, pray for me.
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| Mary on my iPhone. |
Monday, June 13, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
A Positive Spin on Quick Takes!
I'm still home sick in bed. I tried to go to work yesterday and it did not go well at all. After a whole 3 hours, I headed home. I was a mess. I made it to the doctor, who started me on my second round of antibiotics. I have a sinus infection, double ear infection and bronchitis. What the heck!?
I'm so not a good sick person. I whine, I complain and I lay around and look absolutely pathetic. Poor Doug. He's a trooper. I would not want to deal with me at all!
I thought I'd try to do some 'positive' quick takes, since this week has been such a bummer. Maybe it will make this crapola of a week, not so bad!
1. Like I mentioned in my last post, I wore a dress this weekend! I know this does not seem like a big deal... but I NEVER wear dresses! NEVER! I use to when I was smaller and I loved them. This weekend, I told Doug we were headed shopping for a skirt or dress. I thought he was going to fall over! He just kind of laughed and went along with it. After all, the only time he has ever seen me in a dress was our wedding day!
It was 98 degrees this weekend and the thought of wearing long pants to mass made me crazy! Luckily, I found two dresses at Tar.get! I only bought one, but I'm tempted to go get the other one. This is my first and only clothing purchase since starting to lose weight. I think it will last a while and I'm even going to wear it again this weekend! I was a bit out of my comfort zone, but I felt great in it! I slowly see my old self, my old confident self, coming back and I like it!
2. While I hate taking sick days... I have enjoyed spending lots of quality time this week with this cute pooch! Can you believe she is already 18 weeks old? She is so much fun and brings so much joy to our lives! This certain puppy graduates from puppy kindergarten this weekend. Yes, pictures will follow!
I'm so not a good sick person. I whine, I complain and I lay around and look absolutely pathetic. Poor Doug. He's a trooper. I would not want to deal with me at all!
I thought I'd try to do some 'positive' quick takes, since this week has been such a bummer. Maybe it will make this crapola of a week, not so bad!
1. Like I mentioned in my last post, I wore a dress this weekend! I know this does not seem like a big deal... but I NEVER wear dresses! NEVER! I use to when I was smaller and I loved them. This weekend, I told Doug we were headed shopping for a skirt or dress. I thought he was going to fall over! He just kind of laughed and went along with it. After all, the only time he has ever seen me in a dress was our wedding day!
2. While I hate taking sick days... I have enjoyed spending lots of quality time this week with this cute pooch! Can you believe she is already 18 weeks old? She is so much fun and brings so much joy to our lives! This certain puppy graduates from puppy kindergarten this weekend. Yes, pictures will follow!
3. This picture is for Marie! Daisy and Smokey are getting along pretty good. Daisy really wants to play... Smokey not so much. Daisy can pretty much squish Smokey with her big paw. It's a pretty funny sight to see. I had really hoped the two would get along and snuggle a little -- at least for a photo! Well... they were in the same space and looking so cute the other day. I think they are going to be great friends.
4. My mom is now home from rehab and is still doing great! This is such an amazing blessing and such a relief!! It was so hard to watch her be in pain and I am so glad that she is feeling more like her self again! Thanks for all your prayers!
5. My training at the gym is going great. I have an amazing trainer. He is awesome and has me do things I never thought I could do. He is so motivating and really gets me to work hard. He is leaving to go to graduate school in another state in August and I already miss him! I know some days, if I did not have a set appointment to train with him, I'd skip the gym. He gets me there and makes me do what I know I have to do! I have really improved and it is awesome to see the results.
6. This is one of my favorite pictures ever. It always makes me smile. It's my dad and my youngest nephew Peter. How cute are they?! You can see my dad is totally in love with his grandson. That little baby is now in first grade! :)
7. Next week I get to meet this blogger! Yay! We are meeting at her family FARM! Yep, I'm going to a farm. Beth is going to take pictures because no one would believe that I'm going to a farm with animals on my own free will. I might even hold a baby pig!! Yippee! I can't wait!
Monday, June 6, 2011
I'm just sad.
I'm home sick today. I hate taking sick days from work... for actually being sick. I have a sinus infection and I suspect an ear infection too. I felt so so all weekend, but yesterday was not good. My head just started hurting all over. Dang sinuses! Luckily, I was able to take some pain medicine and get some much needed sleep last night. I woke up and was debating going to work or not when I, or rather Doug, discovered that I have no voice at all. This really could be his dream come true! Ha ha! So, since I can't talk or breathe or swallow, I'm staying home with the pup today.
So today, I'm just feeling sad. I really shouldn't be. I am so blessed and I had a great weekend filled with so much joy! I was able to see Deacon Dominic give his first homily. He did an outstanding job and he just radiates God's love! I was able to snuggle my godson during mass, which I LOVED. Note: I did not feel or think I was sick then! Doug and I were able to play with Daisy at the dog park and out in our newly fenced in yard. It was so fun watching her run and play with the other dogs! Deacon Dominic came over for a visit yesterday and it's always fun to have some company and show off our puppy! Overall, a great great weekend! I even wore a dress -- something I NEVER do. The only other time I've worn a dress since I've met Doug - our wedding! Ha! See, great weekend!!
So, why, after such a wonderful weekend am I feeling so blue?
I want to be a mommy. That's why. I know that is what it is. There is a pain in my chest and it will not go away. I cannot stop the tears from falling. It happens every now and then and I just need to work through it. I need to cry. I need to feel sad and lonely and empty. I need to acknowledge the hole in my heart.
Then, I need to pack it up and be strong again. I need to fake smile when someone talks about their baby and their pregnancy. I need to act surprised and thrilled at the next pregnancy announcement. I need to act like I'm not dying inside. Maybe all that acting will actually make me believe I am not sad.
But for today, I'm not going to be strong. I don't have the energy. I'm just going to be sad.
So today, I'm just feeling sad. I really shouldn't be. I am so blessed and I had a great weekend filled with so much joy! I was able to see Deacon Dominic give his first homily. He did an outstanding job and he just radiates God's love! I was able to snuggle my godson during mass, which I LOVED. Note: I did not feel or think I was sick then! Doug and I were able to play with Daisy at the dog park and out in our newly fenced in yard. It was so fun watching her run and play with the other dogs! Deacon Dominic came over for a visit yesterday and it's always fun to have some company and show off our puppy! Overall, a great great weekend! I even wore a dress -- something I NEVER do. The only other time I've worn a dress since I've met Doug - our wedding! Ha! See, great weekend!!
So, why, after such a wonderful weekend am I feeling so blue?
I want to be a mommy. That's why. I know that is what it is. There is a pain in my chest and it will not go away. I cannot stop the tears from falling. It happens every now and then and I just need to work through it. I need to cry. I need to feel sad and lonely and empty. I need to acknowledge the hole in my heart.
Then, I need to pack it up and be strong again. I need to fake smile when someone talks about their baby and their pregnancy. I need to act surprised and thrilled at the next pregnancy announcement. I need to act like I'm not dying inside. Maybe all that acting will actually make me believe I am not sad.
But for today, I'm not going to be strong. I don't have the energy. I'm just going to be sad.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Quick Takes!
1. My mom is still doing great! She is leaving her rehabilitation facility Saturday morning! Whoot! She is headed home and will be tended to during the day by a home health nurse. She will also have someone come help her with meals and housework and such. She is moving around great and still exceeding all expectations! I am so grateful!
2. One of my bestest friends is being ordained a Deacon this weekend!!!! Big whoot! Dominic and I met at the Frassati Conference and have been close ever since. I always thought he'd make an amazing priest and now he is only one year away! We have had some pretty great times and we also share the privilege of being godparents to little Leo!
2. One of my bestest friends is being ordained a Deacon this weekend!!!! Big whoot! Dominic and I met at the Frassati Conference and have been close ever since. I always thought he'd make an amazing priest and now he is only one year away! We have had some pretty great times and we also share the privilege of being godparents to little Leo!
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| Well, here is a little bit of Dominic and I. Side note... this was taken about one hour before I met Doug for the first time! |
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| Dominic knows my hated of penguins... so he bought me one for Christmas! Nice! |
3. We got a fence! I LOVE IT!! We are right by a pond and I wanted a fence for our imaginary children someday and having Daisy just moved up those fence plans a few years. It looks amazing and the puppy is thrilled to have a place to run.
4. Could I use more exclamation points!!?? Seriously, I'm an exclamation point addict.
5. Doug is officially done with school for the year. I love it when he is done teaching and can be at home for a few months. He does some summer work in June and then I'll have him all to myself in July and some of August. Last year, I really thought I would hate him being at home while I was at work all day, but much to my surprise, I LOVED IT! It was awesome. Laundry was done, dishes were washed, dinner was cooked. We weren't rushing around to get things done in the evening and could actually relax and spend some time with each other. I love summer!!
6. Can you guess how many times this week I heard the question, "When are you and Doug PLANNING on having kids?" About 10! Can you believe it? Even my trainer at the gym asked me! I don't know what it was this week, but it was crazy. When I heard the question, I really almost laughed. The thought of us PLANNING is funny to me, since in my plan, we'd already be on our second by now. Ha! Each time I heard the question, I simply smiled and answered, "We are ALWAYS open to life."
7. I am fighting a sinus thing... so I'm taking some cold meds and heading to bed! Have a great weekend ladies!
4. Could I use more exclamation points!!?? Seriously, I'm an exclamation point addict.
5. Doug is officially done with school for the year. I love it when he is done teaching and can be at home for a few months. He does some summer work in June and then I'll have him all to myself in July and some of August. Last year, I really thought I would hate him being at home while I was at work all day, but much to my surprise, I LOVED IT! It was awesome. Laundry was done, dishes were washed, dinner was cooked. We weren't rushing around to get things done in the evening and could actually relax and spend some time with each other. I love summer!!
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| Chef Doug last summer! |
7. I am fighting a sinus thing... so I'm taking some cold meds and heading to bed! Have a great weekend ladies!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Quick Takes!
1. Wow! I am at awe at the power of prayer this week! I can see its power through my mom's surgery and recovery. It is amazing to have people from all over the country praying for her and my family. I am so grateful!
2. So... my mom is an overachiever! She is exceeding ALL expectations and is being released from the hospital right now - THURSDAY NIGHT!!! They were not expecting her to be doing so well and her release was tentatively planned for this weekend. Nope! She has walked the halls, gotten out of bed by herself and met all the other requirements to move on to the rehabilitation center. GO MOM!!!
3. In January, one of my mom's dearest friends passed away. It was very sudden and unexpected. She had been ill, but did not seem that bad. They were both quilters and bonded through the many stitches they sewed together. Right before she died, she asked my mom to finish a few t-shirt quilts that she had promised to people, in case something happened to her. The next day she died.
My mom finished the quilts, even with all her pain. My mom had not been able to sew for awhile. It was too much for her. Even making her little baby bibs proved too much. Side note: That is why I haven't beeen sending out any blogger baby bibs. She tried, but couldn't sit long enough to make them. :( Over the past two weeks, when her pain was at its worst, my mom finished the quilts. I "helped" with one of them over mothers day. I really need to learn how to quilt. My mom has made hundreds and they are all wonderful. Anyway... one of the quilts was for a nun! It was made from a number of great Catholic t-shirts! I loved all the shirts! My favorite one said: "Destroying evil, one bead at at time" with a picture of a rosary.
5. One of our little flower girls is afraid of all dogs. Nothing has ever happened to make her afraid, but she is. So, her mom has asked that Daisy help her out. Daisy is super sweet and a pup, so she thought introducing her now would be a good idea. I'm a bit nervous, but I think Daisy will do great! She does get pretty excited around kids. She LOVES them! So, to help with her energy level, I'm taking her to Doggie Day Care tomorrow!! Haha! She has gone once before at the same place we take her for puppy school and she was more than worn out when I picked her up! It was hysterical! See for yourself....
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| Before Puppy School. SOOOO EXCITED! |
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| After puppy school. SOOOOO TIRED! |
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
TWO miracles!
Thanks for all those prayers ladies! They worked - big time. Before you get ahead of yourself, there is not going to be a BFP announcement in this post. BUT... I think these miracles are equally surprising and wonderful!
1. MY BROTHER!!
I have been fervently praying for my brother, his wife and their three children for years. My older brother, Jeff, is a bit estranged from our family. I often think of him as the prodigal son that just has not returned yet. If you ever glance at my wedding pictures (they are pretty, you really should!), you will not see my brother in any of the pictures. He and his family weren't there. Very sad. There is a huge back story, but it would be long and painful to go into it all. Basically, when he wants to be involved with our family, he is and when he doesn't, he is totally absent. He lives across the country as well. He is very sporadic and you NEVER know what you will get with him. He has hurt my parents beyond belief with some of the stunts he's pulled. The scars are deep, but they keep loving him and trying. Forgiveness is one of their strengths.
Jeff is notorious at not calling on big events and holidays. No calls on birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, etc. He missed this Mother's Day as well and I didn't even give it much thought. Typical Jeff. I hate it that he hurt my mom by doing that, but I long ago gave up the notion that I could change his actions. With my mother preparing for surgery, I had thought (briefly) about calling him and letting him know what was up. I have not talked to my brother in a long time and I knew my mom would NOT want me to call him. It never goes well.
Turns out I didn't need to call him. He called, on his own, without any prompting or threat of a pending surgery (he was not aware of it yet), to wish my mom a happy Belated Mother's Day. This might not seem like a big deal, but he NEVER calls. NEVER. Unless he needs something. Granted, he was late, but still! THIS WAS HUGE!!! He was even pleasant and even told my mom he'd be praying for her. Again, HUGE!!!
The call put my mom at ease. She had wanted to talk to him before surgery, but often when she calls, it does not go well either. Again, you just never know what you are going to get with Jeff. So, she just had not called him yet. She was able to talk to the grand kids (again, can be a rarity) and that makes her day so bright. It was the perfect, pre-surgery medicine she desperately needed!!!
I consider this a small miracle. If anyone wants someone to pray for, my brother would be a good pick!!!! St. Rita, pray for him!
2. MY MOM!!
My mom made it through her 4+ hour surgery with flying colors!! She was in excruciating pain the night before her surgery. She could not move her leg. It was literally dragging behind her when she tried to walk. It was horrible! She was crying out in pain several times throughout the night and was unable to move, get in and out of bed, etc. It was not good. She was also incredibly anxious about how things would go, if my dad would have food to eat, if he'd burn the house down while she was away, etc. etc. But with the all the pain she had that last night, she knew that she could not put this off.
It was a LONG surgery day. It's amazing how sitting and doing nothing but waiting is SO exhausting! My dad and I kept busy, but it seemed we were in the waiting room forever. We were able to finally see her in the evening last night and get this... she moved her legs without yelling out in pain... something she hasn't done in months!!! The doctor said her pain should lessen and she should keep the use of her legs! Whoot!!!
My emotional dad kept it together most of the day. He has been the overly positive one about the surgery. So, after months of seeing his wife in great pain he finally had his breakdown moment. When my mom shifted in bed and raised her leg up without making a peep and really without even knowing she was doing it... he started to cry. He just whispered to me, "Look, she's moving her leg! That is so wonderful!" It was sweet. Ahhh... high school sweethearts. :)
I spend the majority of today with her. I was there when physical therapy came for the first time. They got her out of bed and standing up. She was able to take two short walks in the hallway. It was AMAZING. Monday, she could not move her right leg and today she was walking, standing tall, not limping and NOT IN PAIN!!!! Can you believe it!!?? Granted, she has incision pain from the surgery, but not the devestating pain that has been crippling her for months. Miracle? I think so!!! I think that deserves a big WHOOT!
My mom will be in the hospital until the weekend then will be off to a rehab facility. I pray she continues to improve!! Please keep her and my dad in your prayers... they have a long road ahead.
Thanks again for all those prayers... and the amazing comments from my last post. You ladies ROCK!
1. MY BROTHER!!
I have been fervently praying for my brother, his wife and their three children for years. My older brother, Jeff, is a bit estranged from our family. I often think of him as the prodigal son that just has not returned yet. If you ever glance at my wedding pictures (they are pretty, you really should!), you will not see my brother in any of the pictures. He and his family weren't there. Very sad. There is a huge back story, but it would be long and painful to go into it all. Basically, when he wants to be involved with our family, he is and when he doesn't, he is totally absent. He lives across the country as well. He is very sporadic and you NEVER know what you will get with him. He has hurt my parents beyond belief with some of the stunts he's pulled. The scars are deep, but they keep loving him and trying. Forgiveness is one of their strengths.
Jeff is notorious at not calling on big events and holidays. No calls on birthdays, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, etc. He missed this Mother's Day as well and I didn't even give it much thought. Typical Jeff. I hate it that he hurt my mom by doing that, but I long ago gave up the notion that I could change his actions. With my mother preparing for surgery, I had thought (briefly) about calling him and letting him know what was up. I have not talked to my brother in a long time and I knew my mom would NOT want me to call him. It never goes well.
Turns out I didn't need to call him. He called, on his own, without any prompting or threat of a pending surgery (he was not aware of it yet), to wish my mom a happy Belated Mother's Day. This might not seem like a big deal, but he NEVER calls. NEVER. Unless he needs something. Granted, he was late, but still! THIS WAS HUGE!!! He was even pleasant and even told my mom he'd be praying for her. Again, HUGE!!!
The call put my mom at ease. She had wanted to talk to him before surgery, but often when she calls, it does not go well either. Again, you just never know what you are going to get with Jeff. So, she just had not called him yet. She was able to talk to the grand kids (again, can be a rarity) and that makes her day so bright. It was the perfect, pre-surgery medicine she desperately needed!!!
I consider this a small miracle. If anyone wants someone to pray for, my brother would be a good pick!!!! St. Rita, pray for him!
2. MY MOM!!
My mom made it through her 4+ hour surgery with flying colors!! She was in excruciating pain the night before her surgery. She could not move her leg. It was literally dragging behind her when she tried to walk. It was horrible! She was crying out in pain several times throughout the night and was unable to move, get in and out of bed, etc. It was not good. She was also incredibly anxious about how things would go, if my dad would have food to eat, if he'd burn the house down while she was away, etc. etc. But with the all the pain she had that last night, she knew that she could not put this off.
It was a LONG surgery day. It's amazing how sitting and doing nothing but waiting is SO exhausting! My dad and I kept busy, but it seemed we were in the waiting room forever. We were able to finally see her in the evening last night and get this... she moved her legs without yelling out in pain... something she hasn't done in months!!! The doctor said her pain should lessen and she should keep the use of her legs! Whoot!!!
My emotional dad kept it together most of the day. He has been the overly positive one about the surgery. So, after months of seeing his wife in great pain he finally had his breakdown moment. When my mom shifted in bed and raised her leg up without making a peep and really without even knowing she was doing it... he started to cry. He just whispered to me, "Look, she's moving her leg! That is so wonderful!" It was sweet. Ahhh... high school sweethearts. :)
I spend the majority of today with her. I was there when physical therapy came for the first time. They got her out of bed and standing up. She was able to take two short walks in the hallway. It was AMAZING. Monday, she could not move her right leg and today she was walking, standing tall, not limping and NOT IN PAIN!!!! Can you believe it!!?? Granted, she has incision pain from the surgery, but not the devestating pain that has been crippling her for months. Miracle? I think so!!! I think that deserves a big WHOOT!
My mom will be in the hospital until the weekend then will be off to a rehab facility. I pray she continues to improve!! Please keep her and my dad in your prayers... they have a long road ahead.
Thanks again for all those prayers... and the amazing comments from my last post. You ladies ROCK!
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Progress pic and prayer request!
Hey! It has been forever since I posted. I have been crazy busy (that puppy is work!) and have a million posts in my head, but none of them make it to the computer.
I have a huge prayer request for you ladies. My mom is having extensive back surgery this Tuesday and she needs you all to storm heaven with prayers! Last August, my mom thought she had pulled a muscle in her back. Never having back pain in her life before then, she thought it would resolve quickly. It did not. It got worse. She went to several specialist who said her back had too many problems to count, including a tumor wrapped around a portion of her spine. They could not believe she had not had any pain until that point.
Her pain and discomfort has progressed at a rapid rate, especially within the last few months. She started losing feeling in her arms/hand and some function in her legs. It has been horrible to watch. After several repeat MRI's and meetings with several doctors, it was determined that the majority of her nerves were being affected and if she did not have surgery, she would lose total function of her legs and possibly her arms. So, as a last result, surgery was scheduled. It will take hours and they will try to repair her spine and remove some of the seemingly benign tumor.
Needless to say, I am worried sick. I have been praying to St. Rita constantly for her and will be relieved when the surgery is over. Then starts the grueling recovery. Ouch. I am heading out of state Monday to be there with her and my dad for a few days. Please keep all of us in your prayers. Thanks!
Now... to a more pleasant subject. As promised (a long time ago), I finally took some progress pictures. I am still doing great, feeling great and am thrilled at the progress. I don't really notice it on a daily basis, but when I looked at the pictures, I was floored. Whoot! It is definitely something to celebrate! It made that BFN sting a little less this weekend too! So.... here you go!
I have a huge prayer request for you ladies. My mom is having extensive back surgery this Tuesday and she needs you all to storm heaven with prayers! Last August, my mom thought she had pulled a muscle in her back. Never having back pain in her life before then, she thought it would resolve quickly. It did not. It got worse. She went to several specialist who said her back had too many problems to count, including a tumor wrapped around a portion of her spine. They could not believe she had not had any pain until that point.
Her pain and discomfort has progressed at a rapid rate, especially within the last few months. She started losing feeling in her arms/hand and some function in her legs. It has been horrible to watch. After several repeat MRI's and meetings with several doctors, it was determined that the majority of her nerves were being affected and if she did not have surgery, she would lose total function of her legs and possibly her arms. So, as a last result, surgery was scheduled. It will take hours and they will try to repair her spine and remove some of the seemingly benign tumor.
Needless to say, I am worried sick. I have been praying to St. Rita constantly for her and will be relieved when the surgery is over. Then starts the grueling recovery. Ouch. I am heading out of state Monday to be there with her and my dad for a few days. Please keep all of us in your prayers. Thanks!
Now... to a more pleasant subject. As promised (a long time ago), I finally took some progress pictures. I am still doing great, feeling great and am thrilled at the progress. I don't really notice it on a daily basis, but when I looked at the pictures, I was floored. Whoot! It is definitely something to celebrate! It made that BFN sting a little less this weekend too! So.... here you go!
... and since I cannot do a post without a picture of the cutest little puppy ever, she joined my for my little photo shoot! She is pure love ladies. I love her to pieces!
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