Bad Day. Best of Friends.

Yesterday was just one of those days.  I might as well got up on the wrong side of the bed.  I went into work in a fairly good mood, but it steadily went down from there.

I just wanted to be at home. In bed. I didn't want to be around anyone at work.  I was tired. I was grumpy. It is CD 1 and I have horrible cramps.  CD 1 didn't bother me, but the cramps were harsh and my legs are sore, as they always are on CD 1.  My clothes were tight and I just wanted to scream.  Get the picture?  Not feeling it today.

Despite my sour mood, I was able to be extremely productive this morning.  But I felt that everything was a struggle.  Even lunch.  I sat there, cramps and all, with my 'lunch bunch' as I call them.  Some of these girls I've known over 15 years.  We go way back.  We've been through a lot together.  So... as most days go, they started talked about their kids.  I love all their kids... and this is common lunch discussion.  No big deal!  Their stories are so funny!  Then they started on how they were so glad they had their birth control (why does this keep coming up? Ugh!)... they were glad their husbands were snipped ... they were so glad most of them would never have to worry about strollers and babies again.  Really?  There is one prego among the group.  She is incredibly cute and pregnant... and they all said to her... "We don't want your kind of birth control... it obviously doesn't work!  Hahahahahaa!"  Everyone was laughing.  But me.  I was emailing Ann about how horrible this was for me.  How out of place I felt.  How I wanted to get up and walk out or scream or something.  One of them knows of my ovulation issues and thyroid problems... they all know of my blocked tubes.  They ALL know about how I feel about birth control.  But they still went on and on.  I've heard this same conversation from this group a zillion times before, but today, it just got to me like it never has before. Thank you Ann for getting me through that lunch!! 

I went back to my desk and cried.  Seriously?  Yep, I cried.  I don't think anyone noticed.  It wasn't that they were talking about their kids that got me.  That happens every day.  I don't mind.  It wasn't the fact that I'm pretty sure I haven't ovulated for months and I'm pretty sure there will be no baby for us for quite a while.  Ok... maybe that was it a little.  But I think what really got me was just how different and out of place I felt.  As I thought about it... I was able to see really WHY I felt so horrible during lunch.

The obvious... I feel behind.  I've always felt this way.  I was always the single one among my friends.  I have friends that have been married 10 plus years and I'm just now a newlywed.  Whatever stage of life I have been in, I always felt like I was playing catch up.  And no matter how fast I run... ok, walk... I can't get where they are.  I can't magically pop out a 9 year old and be all caught up.  Ouch.  Whatever I do... I won't be where they are. 

But what really got me... Is how I kept thinking... "I'm so ok NOT being where they are."  I don't ever want to talk about how wonderful it is that I don't have to worry about strollers and baby spit up.  I don't want to shout, "Yay, I'M DONE!" I don't EVER want to talk about what hormones I'm putting in my body to make sure that happens.  I felt so alone among some of my oldest friends.  All of their talk just emphasized how different we all are.  How different I feel about things.  How different I see the world.  How I can't relate to them, on so many levels.  How if feels as if they do not know me or get me at all.  Comments and topics that never bothered me before, now pierce right though my heart and sting.  The differences between us seem so clear now.  They have always been there and we've known about some of them for a long time.  It was just a little overwhelming, as most things are lately. 

So I finished crying and got on with my day.  Then my fertility nurse calls.  I was anxiously awaiting my labs from last week... I wanted to know how my thyroid was doing.  I knew it was not going great.  All my temps were crazy low this month.  I know I didn't ovulate.  I'm still freezing, tired all the time and my weight hasn't budged at all.  But still... I'm on meds... my thyroid has to be getting somewhat better, right? WRONG! It has gone backwards!  It's worse!!!  Way worse!  I thought I heard the nurse wrong.  She was baffled too.  She had no idea why this would happen.  Everything was worse!  Not one single lab improved on the medication!  Ugh!  I have an appointment with Dr. G Monday and hopefully, we can get some things working in the right direction.

So, as I'm receiving the news... I was emailing Ann and Sew.  I think we were emailing about how Judas was the first to leave mass or something... Hmmm.... Anyway... we start emailing about my thyroid and Dr. Sew kicks in!  She and Ann were telling me what I need to order, what needs to be done, what tests to run, etc. etc.  They demand that I talk to Barbie (get ready! email is heading your way!) and get as much information as I possibly can before my appointment on Monday.  They are right.  I'm not wasting another appointment.  I'm not going to keep feeling like this.  It's horrible.  My body is not working and I hate it.  Sew tells me what thyroid books I need to read.  Check!  I called the library and started driving that way.  She then emails me the name of a doctor who specializes in adrenals and thyroid in my area.  Check!  I called and made an appointment.  I can't get in until the end of September, but it's a start.  I started reading my books tonight and I'm getting ready for Monday.  Talk about some best friends.  I have friends I have known for years that wouldn't go to all that trouble!  They lifted me up when I was down... what amazing sisters in Christ!!!

When I got home... DH was there to offer a big bear hug.  He knew exactly what I needed.  He's the best too.  He always knows just what I need... he loves me, even my non-functioning thyroid. I'm so glad I ended up where I did.  If I wasn't so "behind" I wouldn't be here with Doug.  I wouldn't have all these amazing friends here on the blogs.  I would not trade that for anything.  Well... maybe some armour!  Ha ha!  Just kidding!!

And today... I think I'll be eating lunch at my desk.  :)


Side note: I saw Beth last night and her baby bump is looking oh so cute!