Prayers please.

My dad was taken to the hospital tonight via ambulance. He was dizzy, light headed and passing out. They are admitting him now. He has some problems with anemia and some chronic health issues - diabetes, kidney issues, etc. He never complains, so I know it had to be bad for my mom to dial 911.

I'm very worried. I do not like parents getting old. It's a horrible feeling. I'm three plus hours away, which makes it worse.

Please pray for him, Ted Johnson and my mom too. It's very much appreciated.

**Update as of Monday morning...
I finally spoke with my mom and they will be running tests today. They do not know what is wrong. He just kept passing out and was very dizzy and couldn't walk well. He's on a cardiac floor because he is high risk, but he is not having cardiac symptoms. The doctor said the level of care is higher there and with his age, they want him there. His neurological exam was not that great... But no evidence of stroke. So now we are waiting.

Thanks for the prayers and keep them coming. My mom needs strength right now. She got home around 4am and is exhausted. She told me NOT to come to Ohio. I'm giving her 24 hours and then I'm heading there. My dad was worried I'd be worried and about the baby, so he didn't even want to tell me about all this. Oh parents! Thanks again for the prayers. I'll update when I know more.

Quick Takes - Week 14 edition with pics!

1.  I'm almost finished with week 14 of pregnancy!  Whoot!  Just a few more weeks until my next u/s!  I'm hoping we might get a look at the gender at that one!

2.  I'm feeling pretty good these days.  I had had a lot of pukeyness during that first trimester.  It was so welcomed and reassuring.  Now, I feel good.  I know that is suppose to happen, but it feels so weird to not be gagging at the thought of food.  I'm still looking for that rush of energy every pregnancy and baby website has promised me.

3.  I bought a Snoo.gle body pillow.  It looks, well... odd and it had a big page of instructions.  But man, oh man, it is the most comfortable thing EVER!!!  I had been sleeping with a regular body pillow I'd had for years.  That was not working.  I would throw it off in the middle of the night.  It would either hit Doug or land where Daisy was sleeping and then everyone would be awake.  Not good.  This strange looking pillow is marvelous and stays right in bed the whole night.  LOVE IT!!!!!!!!  And it was on sale - big time!  Even better!!

4.  I went to the gym tonight.  I am still working out with a trainer at least once a week.  I'm use to my clothes feeling a little loose at the gym.  Tonight, my workout pants were a bit tight.  Finally, I was happy for pants not fitting!  I didn't notice how uncomfortable they were until I was walking into the gym.  If I wasn't in public, those pants would have been off in a second.  I'm not saying what happened to them on my drive home.

5.  After the gym, I made a star.bucks run.  I'm thinking this drink cancelled out all the work I did at the gym But it was so YUMMY!!!!

6.  Here's an after-gym little bump/baby (and puppy!) pic.  Man, my dog is cute!

7.  Speaking of dogs... Look how freaking cute this is!  Thanks prayer buddy!!  You are the best!

I will never get it.

I will NEVER understand how people can think that this precious little baby is 'just a clump of cells'.

 Baby H at 13 weeks

I just do not understand how anyone can look at that picture, even when it is a little blurry (because the baby was moving all around!), and not recognize that it is a little baby human.

I will NEVER EVER get it.

Prayer Buddy/Easter/Belly pics!

Happy Easter Monday!  Finally, Easter is here!

It seemed like a really long long Lent this year.  I'm thinking it was because some of my favorite people were off the blogs, FB and had limited Internet time. Hehe.  I'm glad everyone is back!!!  I missed my peeps!

This Lenten Season, I had the pleasure of praying for Elizabeth at Motherhood: My Greatest Adventure!  It's a new blog... but I was able to get to know her a little better by reading her old blog.  She is newly pregnant with her second child.  We are just about a week apart from each other pregnancy wise... so it was fun praying for her and her little growing baby (and her hubby and daughter, too!).  I cannot wait to read more about her in the months to come!  You will continue to be in my prayers Elizabeth!  And Side note... Elizabeth, you have the most beautiful hair!  I was in total hair envy all of Lent!

A BIG THANKS to the blogger praying for me... Hebrews!!!  She's one of my best blog friends and we talk almost every day... so I was so surprised it was her... and SO THRILLED!!  Thanks PB!  You rock!

We had a great Easter weekend.  We went to Ohio to see my parents.  It was great to see them again, since it had been a little while.  Everyone was entertained by Miss Daisy - she is an attention seeker after all!  My mom and I went maternity clothes shopping.  It was SO MUCH FUN!  I got a great start on my maternity wardrobe and everything looked pretty dang cute!  Whoot!

We were also able to celebrate my dad's birthday while we were in town.  That went great!  We all got my dad one of the Ne.w iPad's.  He was THRILLED!  So much he teared up when we gave it to him.  He's an emotional guy - one of the many reasons I love him so much.  It wasn't the iPad that made him tear up... but us getting something like that for him.  Seeing him excited about downloading apps... too cute!  He's finally speaking my language!  Hahahahaha!  Now if he'd just get a Mac.Book and an iPhon.e... we'd be set!

Dad tearing up.  Never mind me standing next to him.  I had just gotten out of bed.  :)

Easter mass was really nice.  My parents parish is a lot different than ours, so it is a nice change of pace.  My Easter boo boo... I left my nice Easter clothes in Indiana!  Ahhhh!  They were hanging in the bedroom and didn't make it into the car.  I realized it right around the time we were finally at our destination!  Dang!!  That is SO ME!!  I didn't find any dress pants while I was shopping on Saturday and the dresses/skirts didn't work because it was freezing on Easter morning (and my legs - not exactly skirt ready!)  So... I wore blue jeans to Easter mass!  ACK!!!  Everyone is all dressed up and I was in jeans.  Luckily, I had brought a sweater!  I wanted to carry a sign that said... "I really would have dressed up.  I forgot my clothes in Indiana!"  Hahahaha!  Oh, well!  I'm thinking God was just happy I was there!

At least I didn't wear the sunglasses to mass!

Our official 2012 Easter photo.  

My parents with their Grand-Dog, Daisy!

I started to take belly pics last week. I'm getting a tiny little bump.  A lot of it is just my chubby tummy moving around... but I'll take it.  Yay!  So... here you all go!

Daisy was not all that interested in the photo shoot at first.  Those are my FAVORITE pink sweat pants.  SO COMFY!! Seriously, Doug won't let me leave the house in the them... but I live in them at home!  

So I had to wear them for a pic!  Hahahaha!  And then I remembered I was in the white shirt last week!  Time for a wardrobe change! 

I grew!!  Keep growing Baby H!

Baby H growing - in pictures!

I'm officially 12 weeks pregnant now!  I still cannot believe it.  Here are the pictures I promised!  I love love love looking at them and seeing how much our little one has grown.  I have an u/s on Tuesday -  and I cannot wait to see what he or she has been up to!  I get so crazy nervous before each scan, but feel a wonderful sigh of relief each time I see our little one up there on the screen.  It makes my heart very very happy.

7 weeks

8 weeks

9 weeks

10 weeks

Isn't that amazing how quickly a little person starts looking like a little person???  I am so amazed by it!  The baby was moving all around at the 9 and 10 week ultrasounds and it was so fun to see it kick and wiggle.  GOD IS SO GOOD!!

It's been hard to post.

It seems like I would have a lot to post about these days.  I've had doctor visits... ultrasounds of our little one... we've been to a baby store or two, etc., etc.  But the truth is, it has been hard to post about it.  I would go to write a post or post an u/s picture and I couldn't push publish.  I'd just start crying, thinking about my IF days and delete the whole thing.

I'm not looking for a pity party here, trust me.  I know without a doubt how very very blessed I am.  I have just gotten a few emails asking me why I hadn't posted and making sure things were OK with me and Baby H.  So I thought I'd explain.

It's nothing new.  I was warned way before my BFP that I might have some, ummm, confusing and interesting emotions when I finally found myself pregnant.  I believed them, but it seemed so far away, so distant that it didn't hit home at all.  Even in the first few weeks of my pregnancy, it didn't hit home.  Then, I took a moment to stop and think about everything and wham... emotional craziness breakdown ensued.

I feel OVERJOYED. I cry at the drop of a hat thinking that there is a tiny little life inside me.  I still cannot believe it.  Me, pregnant?  Really?  Yep, really.  I will randomly look at Doug and say, "Oh my goodness we are having a baby!!!!"  He will reply, "Yes dear, I know this," in his very calm reassuring voice. I am crazy blessed.  Just three tiny months after surgery and we conceived.  During a wonky cycle at that.  It is still so crazy and I'm not sure when I will really believe it.  Maybe in the delivery room.

I feel SCARED.  I spent the good several weeks of my pregnancy praying my little heart out that something would not go wrong.  I have been given the most amazing gift and my biggest fear is that it will go away.  Before each doctor visit, I was so excited, but also petrified that there would no longer be a heartbeat, that the baby hadn't grown, that my morning (or all day) sickness was due to my progesterone supplements and not real pregnancy hormones.  Seriously, Doug is a saint.  He has walked me off the ledge many many times in the last several weeks.

I think IF takes some of the innocence of a pregnancy away.  We know too much.  So many of my fertile friends never spent their early pregnancy days wondering about their progesterone levels of how their HCG was rising.  Ectopic pregnancy was not something they googled excessively due to their former tube surgeries... because they never had any tube surgeries to put them at risk!  They didn't have multiple ultrasounds because they were considered high risk.  Heck, several of my fertile friends found out they were pregnant around 9 - 10 weeks!  I'd had 4 doctor visits by then!

I never imagined telling random people I was pregnant, followed by a "please pray... I'm so worried about Baby H." It was like I have been waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I have been so use to things not going right, that when all of my early doctor exams went great, I hardly knew what to do.  I'm still afraid.  Even as I type this I'm hoping Baby H is doing just fine in there.  I'm thinking this fear, while I'm not going to let it consume me, will be sticking around for a while.

I still feel a bit RESENTFUL.  I wasn't sure about this emotion and it's been hard to swallow.  I have several IRL friends popping up pregnant right now.  We are due around the same time.  Many of them had just started trying.  I still feel a tad bit of a cringe when I hear, "We just got off the pill and boom!"  Seriously.  The pain of IF is still there, even if the IF isn't.  I almost want to wear a sign that says, "I'm not exactly like you!  It took us over two years to get pregnant and it wasn't easy!"  But there is no sign.  I know my time with IF doesn't win me a special award.  But the ease of others getting pregnant still hurts.

Along with the resentment, I feel UNCOMFORTABLE. It feels very strange that I'm all of the sudden in the mommy group.  I was the only one in my little lunch group without a baby.  Now, the pregnancy talk at lunch is about me, not the others, and it makes me feel weird.  I tend to change the subject when anything baby comes up.  There is still one girl in our group who hasn't conceived.  I am acutely aware of how those baby talks made me feel.  The last thing I want to do is hurt her.  While she has assured me that she is nothing but thrilled for me, I still worry.  We were a little pair of infertiles who would cry and joke about it.  Now, I'm with the others and she's not.  I don't like that.  It's odd I'm clumped in with the fertiles, especially because I don't feel fertile at all.

I feel like I'm in an in-between spot right now.  When I went to sign up for prayer buddies this lent, I drafted an email to sign up for the IF buddies.  Right before sending it, I realized I really should be signing up for the general prayer buddy group.  It didn't occur to me until right when I was sending the email.  Weird weird feeling.  I just don't know how to not be an IFer yet.

I'm also uncomfortable asking 'mommy questions' to those fertile friends.  I so wanted to be part of their conversations for so long and now I don't want to ask them anything.  Maybe it's because for so long I felt so separate, so out of it, but in a way I liked that.  I was praying and praying and fighting for a baby, while they were popping out kids and quickly getting sterilized after giving birth.  They never had to fight.  Again, it doesn't make me super special... but I liked being part of an IF group who knew what it was like to really value a BFP.  So, asking questions, talking about the baby like I've always been one of them seems - wrong.  Like I'm part of group I use to really dislike.  I'm just babbling and not explaining it well, but maybe you know what I mean.

I feel RELIEVED.  Knowing that we conceived, that it is possible, is a huge relief.  The heaviest weight of my life has been lifted off my shoulders.  It is the very best feeling.

Finally... I feel GUILTY.  Yep, I do.  Majorly.  This is probably the main reason for my lack of posting.  I hate to think that there are so many that are still waiting that haven't gotten their BFP.  It pains me that those who have been waiting longer, who deserve it more aren't talking about their baby yet.  I pray for them everyone each day and am so humbled that I have this gift.

I remember what announcements were like.... what baby talk feels like... baby/ultrasound pictures of FB feel like.  All those feelings are still right there.  While I was often 'saddened' or 'hurt' by the common pregnancy announcement, I never felt bad about IFers getting pregnant.  But that's just me.  I was always genuinely thrilled that someone had 'crossed over'.  It gave me hope and I loved following their pregnancy journey and seeing baby pictures.  I know everyone has good and bad days and can handle some things and not others on certain days.  I fell into that category each month.  I hate to think that my posts or my pregnancy cause others pain.  HATE IT.

While all these emotions are swirling around my head all the time, I cannot let any of these feelings consume me.  I know I have a right to be happy about this little one.  I have waited for a long time for this and I want to write about it and remember it all.  I blog about my life and this is my current life.  I need to get back to it and so I will.  I'm bound to make mistakes, get my emotions all messed up and such.  I'm still adjusting to this new state of life... so please be patient.  I'm working on it... I promise!

Later this week... Baby pics will be coming!

I love bloggers and BEHOLD!

I think people either get the relationship among bloggers or they don't.  I'm sure I have some IRL friends that would think I'm crazy for saying that some of my VERY BEST friends are people I have never met.  But it is true!  There is just something about the friendships we have here - it's almost indescribable.  And when you do meet ... it's like you are seeing an old friend again.  It is the best!

This weekend affirmed how much I LOVE BLOGGERS!  I went with my IRL/Blogger friend Sarah to the Behold Conference in Illinois.  It was such a fun road trip.  We talked the entire time... so much that Sarah lost her voice!  Yep, no voice!  We met up with some amazing other bloggers!  LOVED IT!!!!!!

The conference was really fantastic.  Great speakers, great music, awesome confession, chocolate and great friends.  How does it get any better than that??  I'm sure someone will post about all they learned from the talks and such... but you know me, I like to keep it simple.

Things I learned (that aren't really that deep - I'll leave that to the other ladies):

*Women like to cry.  We cried (happy tears) ALL DAY LONG!  Every talk made me cry... but in a good, very awesome way!

*Going to confession... even when I'm not 'in the mood' is FABULOUS!!  My confessor was awesome and I LOVED IT!

*I am not all that stylish.  They did a little fashion show and I'm just glad I didn't make the 'what not to wear' list.

*I need to start doing kegel exercises.  I was told that after the baby, when I laugh, I just might pee a little too.  I never thought I'd learn that at Behold!

*When the nun is talking about using technology excessively and I'm checking Facebook on my iPhone  at that exact moment... I have a problem.

*It is very good to sit right by the bathroom when you are newly pregnant.   Bathrooms are good.

*Women can have looooong conversations... even when two members of the group have no voice!

And most of all...I had a great time celebrating our Catholic faith!! Man, I LOVE BEING CATHOLIC!!

I also love to post pictures!  You all better mark your calendars for Behold 2013!!!!

Sarah and I in the car... gotta love a good road trip!

Couldn't you just eat those feet??  Love little Elizabeth B!

We met Jen from Conversion Diary!!  Ahhhh!  

She was in the 'Meet the Bloggers' part of the conference.  

 I'm not sure why they didn't ask out little blogging group to be a part of it.  Hahaha!  

And... Leila... SHE KNOWS WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!  

How can you tell you are at a Catholic event?  You see a lot of nuns and babies.  So sweet!

Catholic bloggers... Almost there, Me, Sarah, JBTC, My Heart Exults and In Her Footsteps!

The blogger babies were pretty into the conference too!

Catholic babies are the CUTEST!!

One final photo after dinner before hitting the road for home!  Can't wait until next year!!!

And... One more thing I learned (well, I kind of knew this already)... 

It is great to come home to these two!!

Please pray...

Please pray for my cousin Joe.

He is a 46 year old military man living in Washington, D.C.  On Tuesday, he had a massive heart attack and is on life support.  The doctors have him in a medically induced coma and he is not responding as they would wish.  They were planning on taking him out of that coma yesterday, but were unable to do so.

He is one of 8 children.  My oldest cousin (Joe's older brother) died a few years ago from colon cancer.  My aunt and uncle do not need to lose another son.  All of Joe's siblings and his parents are now in D.C. with him and by his side.  Please hold them all up in prayer.

Heartbeat!!!

Our first ultrasound went GREAT this morning!  I was a ball of nerves.  I've been that way pretty much since we got the BFP.

There was ONE (it wasn't twins!) beautiful little baby with a beating heart!  It was the most wonderful sight to see and hear.  Love love love!!

We were early for the appointment and so we were scanned early, which was wonderful!  It was such a relief to know the baby was where is was suppose to be (I had had nightmares about the baby being in a tube) and that the heart was beating away!  I have a little bit of a bleed, which they will watch, but it should be fine.

We met with Dr. G after the scan.  It was so great to have him say, "What a blessing! This is a 'Praise The Lord' moment!"  He must have said, "Praise the Lord" about 10 times while we were meeting with him!  I've never had a doctor say that.  He said that he loved how 'my case' came together.  I had a bucket of health problems when I first walked into his office over 2 years ago.  A lot of those are now fixed... and now there is the blessing of a baby.  Wonderful!  I agree with Dr. G... Praise the Lord!!!

I go back next week for a second scan... then I'm off to my regular OB.  Beth is going to go with me so she can see Dr. G.  He was her Endo surgeon first... before her three kids!  I would have never found Dr. G without Beth!

This is all so crazy, I still CANNOT BELIEVE IT!!

Here is Baby H.  What a cutie!  Thanks for those continued prayers!

Yep... PRAISE THE LORD!

Not-So-Quick Quick Takes

1.  We had a few birthdays this month.  First, Daisy turned ONE!!!  Can you believe it?  We had a little party with hats and a little cake.  Spoiled much??  Yes, but she (and we!) loved it!

Happy Birthday Girl.

I think she liked her cake!

Such good sports.  :)

2.  Next up was Doug's birthday.  I do not have the best record in celebrating his birthday.

Birthday #1:  The first year we were together, I had to work a pro-life dinner on his birthday.  He spent his birthday listing to a ex-abortionist speaker talk in vivid detail about the evils of abortion procedures.  Not exactly a "Happy Birthday!" moment.  It was bad!  He left that dinner saying that was the most depressing night of his life.  Way to go Jenny!

Birthday number #2:  I was dead set on making him a cake.  See below.  It was a disaster.  Plus, the Colts lost the Super Bowl that day.

It's true... I did try.  Eeek.

Birthday #3:  I don't even remember it, so it must have been bad too!

Birthday #4:  This year, I was determined to at least make it a little better.  I think it went ok.  We had a little party with some work friends.  I didn't make a cake.  I bought cuppies and some fun St.ar Wars themed party decorations.  Yep, finally a good wife!  I also got him a special gift.  Best birthday together so far!

Yummy and not made by me!  Perfect combo!

Wild About Daddy.  Best birthday gift I ever bought!

3. I'm not so sure about Lent this year.  I usually look so forward to it and this year... I am pumped for it... but not like I should be.  My soul is ready for it... needs it... but I'm having trouble getting 'into' it.  

So, for Lent, I am:

*Giving up being negative about a few crazy liberal friends of mine that drive me up the wall.  I've decided to spend time praying for them instead of wanting to scream at them every time I see one of their FB posts.  I've 'unsubscribed' from their FB posts so I can focus on the positive, instead of the negative.  If I take all the liberal, political stuff out of it... deep down they are GREAT friends.  They need prayers and I need to be a better friend.  This might not seem like a lot... but man praying for those that drive me crazy is hard!!  One of them is someone who was so insensitive to my IF... so there are a lot of wounds there.  I will do my best.  

*We are also doing the 40 Days, 40 Bags Challenge.  This house is FULL and it is driving me NUTS!!!!

Goodbye crap... we don't want you in our house!!

* I'm also limiting my time online.  Why??  Because all my favorite people are giving up FB and pin.interst.  So... the Internet is a little boring these day!  

4. I recently joined a Catholic book club and I LOVE IT!!!!!  I *knew* this blogger and she invited me. It has been great!  The ladies are wonderful and the discussions are fantastic!  Love it!!  

5.  Speaking of the above blogger... She and I will be going on a Catholic Road Trip next month!  Whooo hoo!  We are going to the Behold Conference in Peoria, IL.  Is anyone else going????

6.  I've been feeling pretty good lately.  The second time my progesterone was tested, it was a little lower... but still great at 26!  My doc put my on some oral progesterone as a precaution and that's been fine.  I have had a few pregnancy symptoms.  Today is really the first day that I felt nauseous all day.  I didn't get sick... just felt yuck.  I was so thankful for feeling sick!  I've never been so happy to want to puke ever!!  I've had bits of nausea at night for the past week... but today seemed different.  I'm tired, but I always am.  I also have some interesting things happening with my Boobular area.  Lets just say it's not that cold out... and they are at full attention all the time.  Apparently, that is normal.  I'm taking that as a good sign!  Hehehehe! 

7.  Doug and I are anxiously awaiting my first ultrasound on Monday.  I am praying my heart out that all is well with Baby H and that we will see a beating heart!  I know I haven't posted much since my initial HCG numbers and such... but it is so very overwhelming that I can't even write anything coherent about it.  I start thinking about it and I just cry.  It's so surreal and crazy and such a miracle -- hard to put that into words!

And... Hi Prayer Buddy!  Thank you for all your prayers!!  If you are new here... WELCOME!!

I married up

Last year Doug gave me Daisy for Valentine's Day - one of the best gifts ever!

This year Doug wrote me a beautiful love letter.  Full of lots of mush and romance.  I read it and it made me cry.  What a sweetie.  Gotta love him.  

So, what do I do to show him my love?  A Valentine's day card?  A love letter?  Nope.  But I did write him a little poem - with improper grammar and all.  

Yep.  I married up.  : o)

HCG Update!

Drum roll.... HCG for today was 302!!! It's has tripled since Monday!! Whoot!!! Whoot!!!

Progesterone was 45!

Good news all around. Keep growing baby! I am overjoyed!!

My first ultrasound is not for a few weeks since Dr. G is out of the office. But all is well!

This is a major lesson in trust!! I like to have some control and I have zero control right now. I just keep praying and saying, "Jesus, I trust in You!" I have my moments of panic, but, overall, I feel more peace since (trying!) to turn it all over to Him. Every time I get up from my desk at work, I say a Hail Mary. If I start thinking of the baby, I say a prayer. Constant prayer is what is keeping me sane! I don't know where I would be without it.

Thank you all for all of your support, prayers and congratulatory comments!!! A simple "Thank You"
seems totally inadequate. You all mean the world to me and I cannot thank you enough. You are all in my prayers!!

HCG NUMBERS!!!

Just got the call from Dr. G's office! My first HCG draw was 102!!!!! It is right where it is suppose to be!! They are still waiting on the progesterone and will call me when they get the results if low at all. Next blood draw is Wednesday morning!

OH MY GOODNESS I'M REALLY PREGNANT!!!

I am floating on air and am so excited for this little life!! Grow baby, grow!!

Side story: I did my experience my first almost stalker-like behavior today. Dr. G's office does not officially open until 9am. But they are 'open' doing ultrasounds for monitored cycles and such from 7-9am.

Well, there was no way I was driving to work, waiting until 9am to call, waiting for a call back, driving back to their office to pick up the order, get the blood draw and then drive back to work!! No way! Nope! I showed up right after 7am. They didn't even act like I was crazy! Just gave my orders and said they would call ASAP!! Whoot!!

And you know why I love that office so much??? I didn't even have to tell the nurse or receptionist my name! I know I've been there a lot lately, but I didn't expect that! Or maybe I was on a potential stalker list so they were expecting me. Hehe.

Big Fat Positive!!!!

This morning was my testing date per my doctor.  If I hadn't started a new cycle by today, I was to test and then call him Monday morning.  It has been 16 days since my HCG shot and I'm P+15, CD 29.  I've NEVER had a CD 29.

I hadn't started or spotted or had any cramps yesterday... 

I dreamt about testing and tossed and turned all night...

I woke up this morning at 5AM, POAS in the dark and then hopped back into bed with Doug...

When we turned on the lights we saw this...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  WHOOO HOOOO!!  WHOOOT!!!  AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Doug said he knew it all along!  I just started crying and screaming!  Praise the Lord!!  Praise the Lord!!

We went to mass and adoration.  We both cried such happy and thankful tears.  

I still cannot believe it.  I am in total shock.  I feel like I am in a crazy dream and it is not really happening.

I will go in for blood work tomorrow to confirm the results.  I am so excited and nervous and overjoyed and petrified all at the same time.  

I'm scared it is a fluke and I just have leftover HCG in my system... scared about my tubes... worried about my thyroid.  Ack!  That blood test cannot come fast enough.  I'm thinking of camping out at Dr. G's office. I'm sure he has had infertiles do that before, right??

I am just praying and rejoicing!!!  After all, no amount of worry will change anything.  It is all in God's hands!!  Please pray along with me!!  I/We need them!!

St. Gerard, pray for us!

St. Rita, pray for us!

St. Anne, pray for us!

St. Gianna, pray for us!

St. Joseph, pray for us!

Our Lady of Joy, pray for us!

St. Elizabeth, pray for us!

Blessed Pier Georgio Frassati, pray for us!

St. Theodore, pray for us!

St. Robert Ballarmine, pray for us!

St. Anthony, pray for us!

All Holy Men and Women, pray for us!

Grow Baby H, Grow!!

"THE LORD HAS DONE GREAT THINGS FOR US, AND WE ARE FILLED WITH JOY!!"  

 ~ Psalm 126:3

P.S.  We are keeping this away from face.book and the 'real world' for a little bit.  Thanks!

Doing better...

THANK YOU all so much for your wonderful comments on my last posts.  I sincerely appreciate them.  When I am feeling down, I re-read them and I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me.  I can feel the prayers and they mean the world to me.

I am holding onto some hope.  My FCP emailed me yesterday, again stating that I very well could have ovulated.  I'm going with that for now!  I'd like to think my chart had a zillion white baby stickers because I'm just not an experienced charter and I need to practice.  Maybe I was mistaking 'lubricative for smooth'??!!  That would make the chart look totally different.  Maybe.  Can't expect to have a perfect chart the first month, right???

She also gave me some resources for the GI Diet to help with PCOS.  Anyone have any good tips on resources for that??  I want to get on the PCOS diet bandwagon asap.  I'll do anything that will help.

To answer some questions raised in the comments:

* I was on Femara this month, CD's 3 -7.  I had my follicle scan on Day 12.  The three follicles were mature, so I was given a HCG trigger shot.  Less than 48 hours later, my temperature went up (I chart it on my fertility friend iPhone app - haven't broken that habit yet) and stayed up and I had some fertile mucus.  Hence, I assumed that I was part of the 95% of women that the trigger shot works at inducing ovulation.  I know I'm special, but I'm really not hoping to be part of the other 5%.  But if I am... I will deal with that later.

*Mucus was ok right after the trigger and into the next week.  I think I just expected more.  I was taking B-6, Fertile CM, Mucinex and trying to chug water like it was going out of style.  I'm now wondering if because I was paying SO MUCH attention to my mucus that maybe I had the same as previous months, it just seemed less.  My FCP did a mucus score on me and it was in the 'normal' range.  That's good at least.

*I need to remember Krissy's comment.... "Just remember that God is not limited by cervical mucus, poor sperm counts, infertile diagnoses, etc."  I keep saying that over and over to myself.  Isn't that the best?? It give me incredible amounts of hope!!!

*I will be able to do all the hormone testing, ultrasound series, blood work, etc. once meeting with the Napro doctor.  But we need a few more months of charting before I will have my initial appointment.  Probably mid to late March.  I heard this doctor speak at an infertility conference I attended last year.  I really liked him there, so if we haven't conceived in a few months, I'm hoping he will be great as a doctor in person as well.  We will see.  Dr. G has done some of this testing, but we didn't do a lot of blood work this month.

*I might ask Dr. G to do some of the extra blood work and such this month.  But I'm thinking the real work will begin once we head Napro in March.

*I am current not on Metformin.  I was when we first started this journey over two years ago.  For months.  I had to stop taking it when I had my weight loss surgery.  I need to call my bariatric surgeon to see if I can get back on it asap.

So there it stands for now.  I'm 12 days past my *possible* peak day.  This is as far as I usually get, so I'm expecting to start any day now.  No cramps yet, which is unusual for me.  I'm 14 days past that trigger shot... so I'm getting there.  I should start any day now.  Come on AF or don't come at all!  I'd prefer the not coming at all - but only if there is a baby involved.  :)

Thanks again for all the support ladies.  You are all the best!!

Bad News

Today started out great.  It was going to be a short day at work (love!), Daisy was getting groomed (she needed it!) and Doug and I were heading to see our FCP to go over our Creighton charting.  Go Tuesday, go!

Our FCP is really great.  She is SO knowledgeable and has been teaching for years.  She went thought infertility years and years ago, so she is very understanding of all that we are facing.  I am really glad we ended up with her.

The session was going along great.  "Do you wipe front to back?" Yes! "Use folder toilet paper?" Yes!  "Do you always do your observations?" Yes! "Any questions?"  Nope - Let's look at my dang chart!!!!

Then we looked at my chart... and my mood went downhill and fast.  For my first month charting this method, I did ok.  I didn't exactly get my peek day right.  I was confused on a few observations.  So we changed a few things around... added a few white baby stickers to the chart, etc., etc.

My seemingly good looking chart looked horrible.  Mucus pattern was ok.  But the overall chart - horrible.  So much for having some hope for this month.  SHE WASN'T EVEN SURE I OVULATED!!!!!!  Say what??!!!  That's the one thing I thought I actually might have done this cycle!!  Ovulate!

When she said that... I could NOT hold back the tears.  I started sobbing.  Literally sobbing over my little white and green baby stamps.

{And really... baby stamps!  Who thought baby stamps were a good idea for an infertile to use??!!}

I told her about my follies... and she said she cannot be sure, since it is my first month charting... but my mucus pattern *might* indicate there was not any ovulation.  Those great looking follies could have turned into LUFs.  Obviously, she cannot say for certain.  I *could* have ovulated just fine and just have a little too many days of mucus and lubrication... after dry days and such.  Maybe I didn't do the observations exactly right.  It's hard the first month to know exactly what you are seeing.  I even had the Creighton picture dictionary out this month and I still had some trouble. If I could have carried that thing into my work restroom, I would have!

But dang... I am crushed.  Crushed.  Big time.  She knew it.  She offered me a tissue.  She said that I needed to get the tears out... to cry away.  She understood and was fine with the crazy sobbing infertile in her office.

We see her again in two weeks.  She is going to email me a bunch of articles on PCOS and such.  She gave me tons of infertility handouts.  I've read them all before, but I took them to re-read.  She told me when I should make an appointment with a local Napro doctor.  We need some more charting, so not yet, but it's coming.

We left the appointment and got in the elevator.  My eyes were red and I had mascara all over my face.  Doug looked at me and smiled and said, "Well, won't she be surprised with your BFP that is coming this weekend!"  I love my optimistic husband.  I started crying all over again.

So, now I just want this cycle over with so we can start a new one.  Have I totally lost hope?  No.  But for now, I'm just crushed.  I feel tired.  I feel defeated.  I'm not going to even try to act otherwise.  No sugar coating here.  It is what is it.

My Constant Battle

Welcome to my head.  I think it currently belongs in a little padded room, because I am going crazy.

So much for my calm post I wrote at the beginning of my 2WW.  All that is out the window.  Well, not all of it... I'm trying, really, I am.  But man, this is a killer!

I have a constant battle going on in my head.

In Corner #1: HOPEFUL ME - full of happy baby thoughts!
In Corner #2: PESSIMISTIC ME - full of "This will never happen!" thoughts!

Battle rules:  There are none.  It's just a constant back and forth.  There are about 60 rounds per hour... and the event takes place 24 hours a day.  It's like a boxing match.

Here is some of the action from earlier today!

HOPEFUL ME:
This weekend I was exhausted.  I feel asleep twice on the couch, which I never do.  I was in a dead sleep.  So sleepy, that when Daisy tossed a dog toy on me to get me to wake up and play, I didn't even flinch.  Hmmm... could I be so tired because I'm growing a human?

PESSIMISTIC ME:
I wouldn't be so sleepy if my adorable dog slept in later than 4:30am on a Saturday.  If I could have just slept a little longer, I wouldn't be tired at all!  No human growing going on here!

HOPEFUL ME:
My temperature went up this morning!  It never is that high.  That must mean something. {Yes, I still take my temperature, even thought I'm charting Creighton.  I cannot stop! I know... bad, bad me.  Sorry!}


PESSIMISTIC ME:
It must be the flannel sheets.

HOPEFUL ME:
God has heard my cries.  He will answer all of my prayers.

PESSIMISTIC ME:
He is pretty busy these days.  You know... there is world hunger, civil wars and that dang man named O.bam.a!

HOPEFUL ME:
What is up with my on-again, off-again cramps/right pelvic discomfort.  Could a baby be implanting??

PESSIMISTIC ME:
It's just normal cramps.  AF will arrive any day now. The endo is already back and my right ovary is acting up again!  Great!  Just great!

HOPEFUL ME:
That food makes me want to puke.  I cannot even stand to look at it. Morning sickness already?

PESSIMISTIC ME:
It's just my cooking. {Sadly, this is probably be the case, even for those not TTC.  Ha!}

HOPEFUL ME:
My chart doesn't look too bad.  Lots of good timing or 'cooking' as some might call it, with some ok mucus.  I'm so glad I got to put 'Sew's baby making apron' to good use!

PESSIMISTIC ME:
My mucus was not that great at all this month.  Poor little swimmers didn't stand a chance.

HOPEFUL ME:
My stomach feels funny.  Must be all those cells dividing!

PESSIMISTIC ME:
Man, I must have gas.

HOPEFUL ME:
Three follies!!!!!  All big and ready to go!  Plus HCG!!!  Way to finally ovulate!!!!!

PESSIMISTIC ME:
Back to the mucus... egg might be ready... but no sperm could get there!  And what if those follies were too big and were duds??!!  This is typically followed by a mad session of dr. google.


Welcome to my world.  I know we've all been there.  Thank goodness it is only a 2WW and not a 3WW or I think I'd have to be admitted to the loony bin!  It's a constant battle in my head... ALL FREAKING DAY LONG!

I really do hope HOPEFUL ME wins this round.  However, it is so hard.  I've never had a cycle turn out the way I want.  I've never 'been late'.  I've never had implantation spotting.  I've never not had pre-menstrual cramps that were really something other than just that, pre-menstrual cramps.  So, as hopeful as I want to be, it is hard when I don't have anything to go on except what I know -- and what I know is no baby.

However... the tricky and frustrating thing with hope is... it lingers, it is a real fighter.  It stays around, even when it looks like it should get the heck out of dodge!

When PESSIMISTIC ME is winning... HOPEFUL ME comes back for a few more punches.  Hope will be there... even if it is just a tiny tiny tiny bit.  It is the winner for a while... then retreats... then comes back... then retreats... then comes back... you get the idea.

So, the battle continues.  Who will win is any ones guess. I'm not sure who will win this battle!  But it will be decided in approximately 6 days or less with a BFP or CD1.

Where is that padded room!!??

During the 2WW

During this two week wait...

I will not obsess over my chart.

I will not use doctor google - nothing good comes of it.

I will not over analyze every single twinge I feel with my body.

I will be realistic.

I will prepare for yet another CD1.

I will have hope.

I will dream of snuggling a baby in October.

I will pray.

I will be OK.

Hope times 3!

I had an ultrasound today to check on my follicles.  

I was sooooo nervous before the appointment.  

I was afraid that even with ovulation meds, there would be no mature follies!  

But......   There were 3!!!!!!  Three beautiful big mature follicles!!!!!!  Whooot!  

Two follicles on the left... and one on the right!!  Can I get another Whooot!??  Yep!!  Whooot!

My uterine lining looked great too!

While I know that mature follicles are no guarantee for anything, it was nice to leave an appointment smiling. Heck, I almost floated out of the office.  It's amazing what a little good news can do.

My ultrasounds are usually a little boring.  This ultrasound was a little different, so I asked for a picture.  I mean, I've had zillions of ultrasounds and no pictures, since there was nothing to even see.  

So... without further ado... my follies from my left ovary!  Whoot!

So now I've got a little hope... well, three follies full of hope to be exact!!! I'd say that is a pretty good way to start the weekend. 

So true

I heart this. I have read it many, many times and every time it gets to me. It seems so very very true.

"The English language lacks the words 'to mourn an absence.' For the loss of a parent, grandparent, spouse, child or friend we have all manner of words and phrases, some helpful, some not. Still, we are conditioned to say something, even if it is only 'I am sorry for your loss.' But for an absence, for someone who was never there at all, we are wordless to capture that particular emptiness. For those who deeply want children and are denied them, those missing babies hover like silent, ephemeral shadows over their lives. Who can describe the feel of a tiny hand that is never held?"

~Laura Bush